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Emotional Trainwreck: Asked to Apply for a Job

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by SimpleMan, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. SimpleMan

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    I am currently between jobs and just got a call from one of the big bosses at an organization where I worked. Essentially, my old supervisor is leaving and they want me to apply for her position. Honestly, I am probably the person who understands that job best.

    You would think I'd be pretty excited about it too. An opportunity to move into a salaried position with people I enjoy working with!

    But, I am not. And I am stressing on how to tell them I am not interested as I think they are great people.

    1. It is a religious org, and I have moved from being religious to being agnostic over the years.

    2. There's no way in hell I would ever be able to come out if I took this position. Though my bosses would be accepting, the leadership of the religious denomination it serves is openly homophobic. As would be at least a few of my coworkers.

    3. My nights and weekends would be severely limited. One thing I'd hoped to find was something where I could at least donate some of my time to a local theater. (Even if it were just backstage crew.) One of the things I've realized in the last year is I need to be firmly connected to a creative community. Partially because it helps keep my GAD from flaring up, and partially to feed my creative drive in a meaningful way.

    I could straight up tell them I am gay. I know they'd be accepting of me and understand why I can't take the position. But I know it could cause major headaches for them if people higher up in the church found out they knew. I feel sort of like I am bailing on them in some ways because the other person within the org who would want to be in the running for the position is in no way ready for it. I think it would be detrimental to the culture of the org if that person got the position.

    So I am battling conflicting emotions. It feels great to be wanted. It feels terrifying to think I would be locked in the closet for several more years. I feel selfish in some ways for putting my needs/wants before the needs/wants of people I admire and care about. (Though this feeling is easily recognizable as unrealistically negative self-talk/perception.) And lastly,I feel anxious about how exactly I am would tell them it would not be healthy for me if I took the job.
     
    #1 SimpleMan, Aug 20, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2013
  2. Lexington

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    "I'm really honored and flattered that you've asked me to apply for this position. But I feel I've put in enough hours at that organization, and frankly, I'm interested in trying something completely different. Thank you very much for thinking of me, though."

    Lex
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Obviously there will be a price to pay for your own integrity. This is a choice you will have to make, in the context of having no choice as to your orientation.

    One of the key things about employees is that they need to accept the mission of the organization. Clearly you do not. If you accept this position, you will not be living with integrity and you will not be aligned with the mission of that religious organization.

    It's great to be wanted, but you need to think about yourself as well. If you take that position, you will feel, maybe not at first, but soon enough alienated from yourself and your true being. What will happen is a gradual loss of enthusiasm, and growing cynicism. It's a closet within a closet! The job will become more and more difficult for you.

    You need to really examine carefully whether the other person who could take the job is as unqualified as you think, you may be surprised; people do rise to the occasion sometimes...This new responsibility would also encroach on your own personal time, clearly you don't want that either.

    I assure you that you will not be letting your employer down, on the contrary you are doing them a favour and they ought to respect you for that. Indeed they probably will if you explain very clearly that you have thought this through very carefully and, although you are probably qualified, other aspects of the job will not satisfy you (no need to mention being gay).
     
  4. SimpleMan

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    Thanks for your thoughts. It just sucks not having anyone in real life who I trust to help me through this stressful situation. I often ask myself, "How much integrity I can really claim to have while in the closet?" I know I at least can't go making decisions that chips it away even further.


    My thoughts on this other person is definitely colored by negative experiences working with him. I recognize that our personalities just clashed like crazy too. Doesn't really help when you live and work together. He did recognize that his previous behavior did not matching the org's culture once he was in a middle management position during the summer season. He was flabbergasted with himself. If he can stay true to that culture even when stressed, he would do fine. So there is definitely reason to hope.





    And thank you for your thoughts too Lexington!
     
  5. Lexington

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    Forgot to address this issue.

    I was working at a job when I got offered a better position at a new company. When I asked who was going to handle my stuff when I was gone, my boss said "Oh, I'll just do it". Mind you, it was a full-time job handling the books for a decent-sized company as part of a large corporation. But the boss thought it'd be great if he did it, because 1. he could fudge the books in any direction he wanted, and 2. he would have one fewer employee on the payroll, which would make the place look more profitable than it actually was. (He loved doing ANYTHING that would do this - including not giving customers refunds even when they deserved them.)

    I pretty much knew what would happen when I left - the place would fall apart. So I was reluctant to leave for just that reason. But then it hit me - I'm not in charge of everybody. It's not my responsibility to make sure the company does well once I'm gone. So I wrote a short note expressing my concerns to the district manager in charge of our division, and then left with a clear conscience.

    As it ends up, the boss decided to simply not pay a lot of bills, and the DM was so happy with the "net profit" result of this that he ignored my note, and didn't even bother to check how the boss managed this. Within three months, the place was falling apart. The company was no longer given credit at any business, and was forced to pay cash for everything. The electricity was actually shut off for two days. The DM flew out to figure out what was going on, and ended up firing the guy on the spot and living in town for six months trying to reestablish the place.

    Do I regret what happened? Not really. I did what I could. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. SimpleMan

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    Thanks again for the advice all. I let them know yesterday that I would not be applying for the job. Went as smoothly as it possibly could. No nightmare scenarios where I get peppered with a million questions about why. :slight_smile: Felt good! My next goal is to at least get called in for an interview somewhere. My savings won't last forever...