So I finally got a therapist/counselor and we've only had our first session and I think this will be great but... Im sitting here trying to put into words things I want to say and Im just curious on some other peoples thoughts on the way I feel. *deep breath* The handful of people I've told that I'm gay are female and very suppotive bit yet its been almost a year and I still dont have any closure. Everyone I have told is really cool about it but never want to hang-out or do anything with me. I text and they talk to me for a bit but I cant help feeling like they don't want to be friends with me. For some reason I'm actually disapointed that we dont have these stereo-typical gay bff relationships, like its some weird fantasy in my head. One of them I considered a very good friend, we talked alot but when we went out with some friends, she seemed to have expectations that I was going to drink girly drinks all night which would have been fine but it just seems like.. Im not the stereo-typical gay guy. I sometimes wonder if I have an ulterier motive, like Im mentally incapable of being in a relationship with a girl and thus I just say Im gay and want to hang out with these people. I dont want sex from them but for some reason I feel like I almost have a crush on them. Its really bothering me because I dont want to be straight, I want to be gay. Idk, I used to crossdress, I thought I was a transsexual for years until I realized its all just a sexual thing I think. Ive always had a fetish with being a girl, experiencing things as a woman would, maybe this moved over to sex too. I lost my virginity to a guy, Ive tried sleeping with women in the past and it was never satisfying for me.. But I can't escape the feeling of I like being a guy, strong, logical and successful. Once in a blue moon Ill fantasize about one of these friends sexually, I dont know if its just to test the waters that Im not straight or if its a hidden feeling trying to come out. I really need to find some peace with all this. I dont want to be some creepy guy. Thoughts?
These friends you told, did you hang out loads before you told them and they've suddenly stopped hanging out? YOu say you "want to be gay". Well, you SOUND pretty gay just not movie-gay! People don't tend to work like TV friends do. I'm not saying you won't have a 'gay bff' type thing at some point but it's not like saying your gay gives you an instant 'in' with the girls. From the almost have a crush on them, maybe you're a bi-romantic homosexual, a term I'm sure there are people far better qualified to explain properly than me but basically means can have a romantic attachment to either sex.
