he is my best friend's little brother, a 14 years-old boy, he is slightly overweight, and has been bullied, has been in heartbroken relationships with girls he thinks are cute but are just sluts, his mom is a mess, and he was raped when he was 10, he didn't told me how he felt until after a common friend of ours told me he had been hospitalized. We started to talk to him, we all hang out together, recently he tried to hang himself, his dad found him on time and was taken to emergency for over 5 days and i wasn't aware of that! I'm a very very intuitive and observant person, so i noticed since the first day that he had been badly hurt, as i got to know him, he told us he cut himself, he felt like he wasn't worth a thing, we've been telling him we love him just the way he is and i'm being sincere here, he is a selfless and kind guy which is worth a million things for me, but something wasn't right just yet, something was causing him to feel depressed, i didn't know what was this cause was, but when he told me he was raped by a man, i put it all together. I have no idea what he is feeling right now, he is putting himself down so much! i don't know what to tell him, he listens to what strangers have to say about him and believes it, we told him that what matters is what the people he loves have to say and not what a bunch of strangers have to say, he just won't listen... What can i do? push him? wait for him to decide when to release all of what is eating him inside? wait for him to attempt suicide again?!
I don't think the problem is that he isn't getting the right information - like you said, he's listening to negative things that strangers say, but not to positive things that friends and family are saying. The problem is that his own thought patterns predispose him to believing certain things about himself. You may not be able to change things for him - it sounds like he's been through some rough experiences, and as you say, has already tried to hurt or kill himself. With the caveat that, of course, I don't know him and thus don't know what exactly it is that he needs, I would in general try not to argue with his feelings too much. Say, for example, he tells you he feels like he's stupid. There's a difference between "no, you're not stupid" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" - one, essentially, tells him that he's wrong, which is just going to (weirdly) reinforce his own feelings of not being able to get anything right. The other accepts his feelings and just offers a different view. "I statements" may be a good idea - "I'm concerned that..." or "I'm sorry that...". Beyond this, one simple fact is that you won't be able to change things yourself - every supportive person helps, but he's probably going to need what is sometimes referred to as a support network. So if you can, try to open up different areas of support for him, too. Maybe introduce him to more people, or suggest someone for him to talk to - a school counselor, or even a professional counselor. Perhaps you know a few people that he could add to his own support network.
I would give him contact information for suicide prevention and encourage him to see a school counselor. All you can do is listen to him, give him resources, and a shoulder to cry on.
that is exactly what i'm missing about all of this! the way we speak to him... but he has a bad relationship with his mother, and his dad was revoked of his custody on him and was taken to his uncle's house by social services. he has had many counselors according to what my best friend said, nobody knows what to do with him and he won't tell any adults about what happened when he was 10, he feels like he is going to be judge, we already told him that we can help him, but he just won't co-operate.
Sorry, I think I didn't catch that one bit - what are you missing about all of this? At the moment I'll just add - counselors, whatever else they may be, aren't miracle workers or mind readers - if he's not talking to them about what happened when he was 10, then they won't be able to help him with it. If he's confided in you, encourage him to confide in a counselor - after all, you didn't judge him for it, and it's certainly not a counselor's place to judge him. Barring that, though, the best thing really will be to get him outside help. If you feel like things are really dire and he's in danger of hurting himself, also don't be afraid to talk to somebody about it. Tread carefully here, because he may be upset if you do that, but if you think it will save his life, it may be worth it.
The bit is the way we speak to him i tried talking him out of feeling worthless the wrong way, i could try and speak to him in a different way. With the help of two friends of mine that have gone through the same experience, i might be able to try and tell him that, he is not alone and not the only one and that is okay to be afraid sometimes? or something similar to that and maybe i will talk him into the counselling again and see what goes on (i'm reluctant about counselors, most of the time they only fix you but not think about how the person is actually feeling... but that is just me) thanks Mr. Gravity
I had an ex who went through similar problems as your friend. Mostly I just encouraged her to see counselors (which she didn't go see) but I didn't push her. I expressed my dislike of her cutting by making faces whenever I saw her wrists or a razor, and occasionally told her how cutting really didn't help, sometimes I would make some offhand remark about having different ways to solve problems that actually helped. I encouraged her to draw and always dragged her over to where my friends were in the morning instead of her sitting by herself. Mostly I just kind of stood there and offered her help and made sure she knew she could always talk to me. Ironically I eventually started getting depressed because of her depression and we broke up but I made sure she knew that I would still be there to talk to her and she eventually stopped cutting, turning her depression into other forms such as drawing. Just let your friend know your there but don't be too overbearing because some people can take that as being pitied or feel guilty about having you worry over them. It works somewhat differently for everyone, example being that showing disapproval for the cuts might not always work out like it did for my ex, instead it might make them feel worse.
1-866-488-7386 ^that is the american Tevor hotline. It is for LGBT help or suicide prevention. If you even need to talk to someone about that kind of thing give them a call. I have never done it, but ive heard its really good.
you are right, those two friends dealt with their situation differently one was strong the whole way, still is to this day, the other attempted suicide several times but finally got over when she felt safe with friends. But this kid, if i have to be honest, is acting stupid! today we were at the mall, we were talking about Kevin James's movie the Mall Cop and how funnie the movie was, and was yelling out loud and giggling in between "i'm fat, i'm fat, i'm fat... and the fattest and filthiest fat person alive!" we told him he was exaggerating but he ignored us, later on started with the same thing repeating another word and still giggling so many people stared at us "i'm worthless, i'm worthless, i'm worthless... i'm worthless than shit" all the way back home i seriously wanted to slap him repeatedly, but i forgot about that thought, his brother says is not the first time it has happened, and not the only place he does that. no wonders he is bullied, he is degrading himself! ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2013 at 05:23 PM ---------- you are right! the Trevor project might help if nothing works, i just hope they help us or else that kid will go to the other life and is not going to be through suicide.
