I don't know what's gotten into me, but tonight I'm just so disgusted at myself. I just feel like there's so much about me that isn't enough, all I can focus on are my regrets. I wish I had come out earlier so that I could have made friends who I can relate to instead of being the odd one out, but it's my own damn fault, I wasn't brave enough and I'm still scared shitless... it makes me feel weak, there are so many people who handle this better than I am. I'm sick of being like this. I feel frustrated, angry and hopeless a lot of the time... that's not the person who I would want to be friends with, and that's certainly not who I want to be, but I keep falling back. I think a lot of it has to do with that I don't have the right people in my life right now, and it's really hard to go about getting the right people. Sometimes I feel like there are no right people for me, which I know sounds ridiculous but it's a fear that I have, and a very overwhelming one at that.
I'm afraid I can't give much helpful advice because I feel almost exactly the same way, I just wanted to pitch in and let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this. Just be aware that everybody has things they wished they'd done differently, and all that any of us can do is make sure to learn from our mistakes and step confidently into the future, because we mustn't waste our present by worrying that we've wasted our past. My wall is always open if you ever want to chat about anything. (*hug*)
One thing that has helped me in my not so stellar times with my self-esteem, was write things on sticky notes like "You are perfect", "You are amazing", etc., and put them in a place where I will see them everyday when I get up and before I go to bed. You can personalize these notes more to reflect your positives, I was just using broad examples. That helped me to see positive things to start and end my day.
Thanks guys, I just wanted to talk about it with someone... I can't really do that right now in real life so thank you for listening.
I think this is common. I finally came out almost 2 moths ago. Something I've know since forever. I often wonder if I was able to come out at a younger age how my life would have turned out or what kind of a person I'd be. I used to be extremely outgoing and loud. Now I'm quiet and keep to myself self esteem takes a huge blow when you hide who you are for so long. Everybody has been extremely supportive and I'm trying to figure out who I am truly and not who I think others expect me to be. Truth is we are all scared I'm fine with being gay and I don't care who knows because if somebody doesn't like me for who I am then they can be cut from my life I don't need that. But it was just yesterday at work a coworker asked what book I was reading and I hesitated to tell her "rainbow boys". I don't know why it was hard but it was. I'm not ready for work to know I'm openly gay. Hang in there. It has its ups and downs.
