I'm posting here because I have a few problems i'd like to discuss but i'm not sure if everything would fit under the other forum topics. I'd first off like to say I'm a gay male in my late teens and i'm extremely confused with my sexuality, not that i'm questioning if i am gay or not, but the fact that i have a girlfriend, and we participate in sexual activity... a lot. And it's really, really hard for me to keep it "up" while we're doing so. I really really enjoy pleasuring her, studying her body, finding new ways to make her feel good, but I haven't "gotten off" once no matter how hard she tries... I'm just not sexually attracted to her. She's a beautiful woman, and i'm in love with her personality... i want her as a person. And i have no idea how to tell her i'm gay. I have no idea how to tell anyone that i'm gay... but i really want to. But i'm seen as that guy who has the ladies all over him, that charming guy, perfect guy, "ladykiller" and other stuff that i might take pride in if i were straight... i feel like people would be shocked and i might lose some friends... other thing is, i just don't want to be gay. i don't want to be attracted to men. I want my father to be proud of his big strong son who gets married to a beautiful wife... But god damn, my sexual mind just wants a robust, muscled, hairy, manly man to hold me and keep me warm... who probably chops wood and has a beard... mmm... ...sorry... lumberjack fantasy... What do i do? (sorry if this actually would fit under other forums... i realize now my problem is pretty specific)
Hi, Welcome to EC :smilewave Regarding your situation in general, I think Shakespeare said it best: This above all things, to thine own self be true. If you are having to lie to everyone and not be yourself for the sake of their...happiness? Emotional complacency? Comfort zone? then you aren't being true to yourself and (as it sounds like you've discovered) you aren't likely to be fully happy. It's not fair to your girlfriend to keep the relationship going if you aren't really into it. Because sooner or later (maybe years from now when there is a marriage and kids in the picture), that big strong lumberjack guy may come into your life for real and then what will you do? Or the pressure and urges will simply get to be to strong and you'll find yourself sneaking out on your wife and kids to get with guys and then feeling horrible about it afterward. And if you do eventually come out at that point there will be all the fun and joy that is a divorce. If your friends are truly your friends they won't care what your orientation is. You like sex with guys. It's not like you're an ax murderer or something. You can still be a big strong son and you can still do lots of things that should (and I would hope will) make your father proud. You can also have a great spouse, but he'll be your husband rather than a wife. You can also have kids, if you want them. I'm sorry you don't want to be attracted to men, but it sounds like you are. Life is what you make of it and that includes being gay. You can hide and feel ashamed and bad about it. Or be yourself and figure out your own path to happiness. As far as what you do...you say you're in your late teens? Are you going to be graduating and leaving for college or the military or something soon? If so, that might be the first step in disengaging a bit from your current circle of people who know you and gaining some distance and perspective on things. You'd be surprised how little the opinions of the people you hung out with in HS start to matter when you're far from home and starting a whole new phase of your life and becoming an adult (hint: part of being an adult is that you pretty much get to do almost anything you damn well please). You might consider coming out at that point to the people you meet in college. Eventually you might find that you aren't so concerned with the opinions of those from your HS years and can come out to them as well. Moving away for school or whatever might also provide a natural break point between you and your girlfriend as well. If that doesn't work for you, then it comes down to figuring out what you want to do and then taking steps to make it happen. Just on general principles, if you are concerned about your parent's reaction then you might want to wait until you are no longer financially dependent on them. But at the end of the day, I'd suggest you will be happier in the long run if you are true to yourself and honest with the people around you. Hope this helps, Todd
Thank you... I'll take your advice seriously. At the moment, I feel really scared about coming out publicly, but I feel that coming out to my girlfriend now is the right thing to do. I leave for boot camp for the marines next year, and it's a really nice thought to not keep a relationship going through that, especially when i don't want it in the first place. I still have the problem of not wanting to be gay... which is the reason why I kept my relationship going so long... but I've liked men as long as i can remember, so it looks like i have some soul searching to do. Thank you so much for your advice, it really helped.
