1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Feeling like a sleaze :/

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Djinn, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. Djinn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2013
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In the dark
    Gender:
    Female
    So I'm not exactly out to anyone in my school right now, so I get to envelop myself under a blanket of heterosexist homogeneity. It's still pretty comfortable, but partially for the wrong reasons.

    I subtly, yet actively ogle attractive women. As an example, my eyes caught sight of a girl running on the treadmill today. She was very tall and fit. I was more fixated on her than all the other fit guys with their weights. I even got a chance to chat with her as we walked back to our dorms. If I didn't feel so sweaty and gross, I would've asked for her name.

    That's when it hit me: I'm still struggling with letting myself be openly attracted to women. When I am, I feel like a sleaze, like I'm disgusting. Like if girls knew, they'd stay away from me. I'm sure this could involve body image issues and low self esteem somewhere in the mix, but I'm still slapping myself in the face whenever I have thoughts about women, like "What the hell are you doing? You, of all people, should not be thinking like that!" I think I'm still dealing with internalized homophobia, except it's directed at only myself.

    I know it's common for some girls to look at guys and think, "He could never like me!", but this is far worse. I often pinch or scratch at myself to divert attention away. I'm still punishing myself for thinking about girls this way. :bang:

    At this rate, I will not be able to come out because I would have to deal with the onslaught of suspicion I'd have for other girls at all times: is she avoiding me because she thinks I might hit on her? Better to let everyone assume I'm straight so I can deal with this amount of craziness alone, right?

    But I need to know how to not feel so disgusted at myself when I give in to thinking about women, to not let body image and self-consciousness muck things up for my already awkward ass self. God forbid I fall head over heels for a girl; I might just light myself on fire for it.
     
  2. dreamerindenial

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2013
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    I can definitely relate to some of this. I remember when I first started being aware of how I attracted to women I was disgusted by myself. Public transit would be the worst. I would get nervous chills imagining somebody could read my mind.

    I wonder - I don't know if this relates to you or not - but for me, I think a part of it was my politics and being kind of prudish, having acted mostly straight for most of my life, I equated someone being attracted to women being a 'pervert' a 'gross jerk.' To be fair to me, I'm sure I'm not a lone as a woman having encountered a lot of sexual harassment or worse by men. Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful but I wonder if you might have that similar image of what someone attracted to a woman is. I found it helpful to remember that attraction is normal and a good functioning part of being human, that doesn't mean you are being degrading to women, etc.

    Even being in a same sex relationship can be hard, at least I find.I have a hard time letting go of my hang ups (if i find certain features of her particularly attractive and don't think i measure up then how could she possibly like those same features in me?). So yeah, I don't really have any advice haha, just mostly that I can relate to a lot of this!

    Something I do find helpful though is try sharing your feelings in a jovial way to someone you can trust who can understand you. A close (straight-ish) friend of mine gets a kick out of hearing some of my sexual adventures/desires - i like using humour and really getting people to connect with me on it. Saying out loud and normalizing it - owning how 'natural' it is with someone who will be supportive might help. It has been for me anyway!

    Good luck. You've got 8 years on me! You've got time!!
     
  3. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can relate to this as well, but I've learned not to be too hard on myself. It's okay to check out women even though it took me a while to become comfortable doing so. And I guess my only fear was other people noticing what I was doing and I still have that same fear today. I mean, I know that there is nothing wrong with liking women, but I do not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable around me.

    It doesn't seem fair that straight men and women can check out whomever they find attractive without feeling guilty about it. Some even make their interest known; I mean, why not, it is a great way to get a date. So, why do we feel like what we are doing is any different or wrong? I tend to smile and maintain eye contact whenever I'm checking out a girl, but I think they think I'm weird or even jealous of them :rolle:

    However, when the advances are not welcomed or unnoticed it makes me feel a bit defeated like I am doing something wrong. Then again, and like I said before, I could not imagine someone being freaked out by me just because I find them attractive.

    If anything, I think it is perfectly fine to look just as long as you're not being a creeper about it. And if you find yourself interested in someone, give her a compliment as it is an excellent icebreaker.

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2013 at 02:27 AM ----------

    I wanted to add something else, why do you feel like this ^ is an issue? Do you feel like you're not good enough for the women who you find attractive? I'm just curious as to why because I feel the same way sometimes.
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Aug 28, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2013