Trans Questions: 101 (Teach Me)

Yes, I would like to know about these as well.

I've been thinking a lot about trans people since I started reading EC, and I'm still not sure what to think.

 

There are no stupid questions just bad ways of asking them! It's better to ask a stupid question than to remain ignorant.

All I can give from the questions you asked so far are responses I've had to the whole thing.

My friends were 100% cool with it. A couple weren't quite sure how to respond to it but said they support me either way. My best friend went as far as to say I'd make a good girl! Knowing him he probably means it.

My Brother was weird. I told him over the course of a day. I asked him if he knew where-abouts the top of a skirt was supposed to go. He laughed and then gave an actual answer. Later on I asked him if what he would think if I said that whole thing before wasn't as much of a joke as it seemed. He wasn't sure, then it became apparent his only exposure to guys dressed as girls is monty python. Needless to say this is not what I was going for...
He basically decided he didn't quite understand it but was cool about it.

My mum on the other hand was really bad. When I came out as bisexual, she immediately started making jokes about how it was fine 'as long as I didn't start wearing dresses' and other such comments. The two things are not related, but in her head they may as well be the same. We got into a huge argument where it became clear that she though cross dressing or being transgender was wrong and "against the natural order" so things got quite heated!

I'm sure others will have more enlightening answers, but if there is anything else you are not sure about ASK IMMEDIATELY!

 

Transvestite is a really outdated and offensive word. Don't worry about it though, I didn't know that until recently either. Trans is an umbrella term (you'll hear people say that a lot) which means than trans can mean a lot of things. There's gender neutral people, there's just people who like to crossdress, there's some people who just live as the other gender and never get surgery, and of course, there's the ones who get surgery and take hormones and often you can't tell whatsoever that they were born as the other gender (some of whom do it so well that you can't even tell even if you have sex with that person).
Oh, and I think you might be referring to drag queens, who for the most part only dress as the other gender during events and going out. So mainly just for show.
Everyone is different. When you're first meeting someone, it doesn't really matter, they're just a regular person. Maybe sometimes if you can't tell, you'll have to politely ask, "What pronoun do you go by?" or in other words "Do you prefer 'he' or 'she'?"

 

And thank you for wanting to understand us better! (*hug*) Also, don't fret over your questions. I get asked a lot of stuff regarding my transition and how my sexuality/brain works.

"However, what I don't know is how does this play out in every day life."
Being trapped in the wrong body feels like I have a Scarlett Letter sewed to my forehead as well as a 100 pound weight strapped to my back. I'd say 90% of my life is negatively impacted by being Trans*.

"What are the issues that you face every day?"
Constant harassment by society. I have yet to go out in public and not be called a derogatory name. I've given up shopping for fun as I became tired of people cutting me in line or reporting me as "looking specious" to store managers. If it's my word vs someone elses the manager takes the other persons side. Every time. I've been asked to leave restaurants and movie theaters because I was "causing a disturbance" by simply being there. To top it off I'm told that I "made a choice" and how no matter what I do I'll never be a real woman.

Then there's the mental side of thing I have to contend with. Things like having a maternal clock to bear children that will never happen. Having to be constantly reminded I don't look like a girl by my genitalia and things like my Adams Apple and facial hair. Frustration from not being able to masturbate or do anything sexual as a woman. Anytime I would get aroused there was that male erection that would send cold shivers down my body because of how wrong it felt. My brain would scream "this should not be happening! You should have a vagina! Make your vagina work!". There is a lot more mental stuff, but I'm starting to really depress myself so I'm gonna stop.

"What kind of support do you need?"
We need for people to understand that being Trans* isn't a preference or a choice. We can't simply pretend to be our outside gender to blend in. Doing so is as painful as knowing you're gay male and trying to force yourself to only be with women. And it isn't just about wearing certain clothes. It's about people taking the effort to look past our outside physical appearance and treating us by how we feel on the inside. We're just trying our best to make the best out of a bad situation and want to be treated as equals.

The other thing I feel we need is for some cisgender people to stop going out of their way to treat our issues in a condescending or dismissive manner. I've met quite a few GLB allies who have that "oh, well your problem doesn't affect me so I really don't care. I'm going to focus on my problems.". We go through a lot of things that cisgender people never have to contend with. Gender Dysphoria and the unfair treatment of society is downright crippling some days. We need to vent before we mentally break. Nothing pisses me off more than when someone walks into a Dysphoria crisis and says "oh, I think you're really making a big deal over nothing". I don't expect everyone to happily jump on board for support or to fully understand our plights; but it'd be nice if people would not feel the need to throw in their 2 cents in belittling our struggles.

"How are you treated by your bosses, family, friends?"
Work was absolute hell when I was forced to come out there. I didn't want HR to know I was transitioning yet as I didn't know the laws in the state of Iowa. I've heard horror stories about how jobs outright fire people for being GLBT, so I wanted to make sure I was safe. The problem was I had a homophobic christian client who constantly bashed gay people. Working with him while hiding in the closet was wearing down my mental health to the point that my depression became unbearable. So I nervously talked to my main boss about how I was starting to transition and explained my situation with the client and about HR. He gave me his word that I could look for different hours elsewhere and wouldn't say anything; he then turned around and told my client a ton of lies about how I was a drag queen, planned on getting my dick chopped off, and wore dresses in public (which I hadn't even done yet).

I walked into my shift to my client yelling "Are you a faggot? Ron says you're a faggot! You know I don't want your kind around me!". He became hostile and I ended up having to spend an hour convincing him that I was a guy. After that I reported it to my coordinator, who in turn told HR, who then basically outed me to everyone on my job. After that co-workers treated me like I had the plague, other transphobic supervisors were finding reasons to pull my hours, and the head of HR basically told me that I was expected to act "accordingly as a male" until I had my legal name change and GRS done. I would have left my job, but I had nowhere else to go. And I couldn't sue them because I had no money. I was afraid of getting a new job, them finding out I was transitioning, and then firing me over something stupid so they wouldn't have to deal with a Trans* employee.

Needless to say I had to do a lot of legal research and drag my therapist into the fray before my job begrudgingly started treating me fairly. I still get discriminated against (such as they still won't let me work with female clients), but I'd say 80% of the people there are fine with me now.

Family has been somewhat of struggle as well. My parents are both Christian and thought I was coming out as a gay male. Then I went through the whole explaining that I was only attracted to woman and wasn't "making a choice" to be a girl, that I was a girl the whole time struggling to pretend to be a boy. My Mother came around after a couple of months, but 8 months in my father still is rejecting it on some levels. While most of the women in my family seem fine with me a lot of the guys have really distanced themselves. On my birthday a group of them got together on Facebook to announce they were disowning me and were going to do everything in their power to have the rest of the family reject me. 8 months in I've yet to meet with any of my relative face-to-face for fear that they'll turn their back on me. As for my religious family my church of 20 years exiled me when they found out.

Most of my friends thought I was pretending at first and blew me off. The few religious ones I had outright disowned me. I've managed to get most of my older friends on my side though, so I'm happy in that regard.

"I go out to a bar and meet a man dressed as a woman. Is there any way of telling if he is a transvestite and just likes to dress up in women's clothes vs a transsexual identifying as a woman?"
From my experience most of us don't wish to draw attention to themselves. Our goal is to blend in, not stand out. In social settings I typically dress according to the occasion. So in a bar I'd dress in typical pants, a feminine shirt, and outside of foundation to hide my shaving little make-up. My advice is to go up to them and talk as if they're any other woman you'd see on the street. If it's a Transsexual or a guy wanting to just feel like a woman neither of us is looking for the "hey dude" treatment.

 

First off, glad you asked. Am happy to provide you with some insight.

So bit of background may be needed. I'm a closeted transman. The world knows me as a "chapstick" lesbian.

Since I'm only out to a handful of people and have only started socially transitioning, I haven't yet begun the process of physically transitioning and won't be able to for some time.

Day in, day out, being trans* is a game of coping. Pretending female pronouns don't bother me when it really feels like a slap in the face each time someone calls me a "she" or ma'ams me. Trying to ignore a body that doesn't feel like mine with only the vague hope I'll one day look like the man I feel inside. Sometimes, dysphoria hits me like a brick and I can't even begin to see the man inside- I can only see everything I hate about my body- the hips, breasts, lack of penis, high voice, soft face. I've developed depression and anxiety over the years and am learning a lot of it had to do with my desire to be a man.

You wear a mask when you're in the closet. I pretend to be a woman and I police myself constantly to make sure I'm keeping up the ruse. Any small slip, like my voice dropping too low or that I haven't crossed my legs properly, and I worry I come across as exposing my true gender, however irrationally that worry is. While I rarely present male, behaving like one comes naturally, though I do have to deal with years of feminine socialization.

I'm fortunate that the people I am out to, namely friends and a support group, along with a few online communities, have been incredibly supportive and respectful of my identity. So coming out as trans*, I've definitely met many wonderful and supportive people because of it. I've even come to notice that after coming out, I've grown closer than ever before to the friends I'm out to. There's nothing left to hide, you know?

I'm not out to my family, just to my brother, so I don't know how my parents or extended family will react- I can only worry. Nor am I currently in school (but will be in a month) or employed so can't say I know how that is. My state has gender identity protection laws so I'm not uber worried about what life's going to be like when I'm out- seems too far away to worry about.