I am a college student that, as my username implies, lives in the Southern part of the US. For years I have struggled with questions regarding my sexual identity. I have been attracted to other men for as long as I can remember (earliest I can remember is 5 years old.) My attraction intensified as I grew into my teenaged years, but seeing as I live in the South I was not really in an environment where I could explore my attraction openly. I have had a few sexual experiences with men since I became of age, but all of them have left me feeling unsatisfied and empty...almost as if I had done something wrong. I find this troubling as when most people talk about sex they seem to describe it as the most wonderful thing in the world. This dissatisfaction prompted me to look to religion a bit more which led me back to the Catholic faith as well as their apostolate for people with same sex attraction Courage. That is actually the reason I'm here. I have gotten a lot of feedback from that community stating that I need to abstain from any kind of sexual relationship and instead focus on building strong friendships to find meaning in my life and retain my salvation. I have found this difficult to reconcile with my very high sex drive. I'm sure that I could do it, but I think that denying myself any kind of sexual pleasure would take its toll on me. The Catholic community refers to this difficulty and sacrifice as the "cross I have to bare." So this is where I stand...at a crossroads with one community stating that a life of celibacy is the way to go, and another encouraging me to express my sexuality however I see fit as long as it is consensual and it does not hurt anyone. Before I make a decision I wanted to get the view of the other side regarding my my issues with my sexuality. Any thoughts of my situation would be greatly appreciated. deepinthesouth
Two quick thoughts: 1. If you grew up in an environment that said being gay is wrong (and based on your post, I'm betting you did), then you will have been conditioned by that belief to some degree. It is probably making you feel some degree of guilt or shame about the experience, which is not going to contribute to your enjoyment of it. This can be gotten rid with time and work however. 2. Did you actually have any feelings for the guys you did stuff with? If it was just sex, then you shouldn't expect to feel much more satisfaction then you'd get from masturbation (which is fine if that's all you're looking for, but it sounds like you want more than that). However, things can get much more intense if you take the time to find someone you like and then get to know them and have feelings for them. To summarize: the quality of your experience with gay sex is heavily impacted by the sex organ between your ears. If you have negative thoughts/feelings about being gay or gay sex, that will work against you enjoying yourself. If you don't feel anything for the person you are having sex with (and especially if you're the type of person who really needs to to really enjoy it), then you will probably find it less satisfying. The good news is that both of these issues are readily addressed and can be fixed. Hope this helps, Todd
I can remember scouring the personal ads in college (this was WAY before hookup apps or anything like that!) with the thought of perhaps having sex with some anonymous guy, but my religious upbringing (Catholic, like yours) always kind of got in the way. The thought of sex with someone I had no feelings for of any kind just seemed wrong somehow--perhaps that's why your experiences left you feeling empty? A hookup wouldn't seem very satisfying if deep down, you look on sex as an expression of love between two people, which is pretty much the idea I was raised with. Although I'm still an active and involved Catholic (but only out to a few people at work so far), I have to tell you I have totally rejected the notion that sex with a guy will lead me down the path to Hell, and I hope that at some point you can get past it as well. In general I'm not what we refer to as a "cafeteria Catholic", picking and choosing only the beliefs that I'm comfortable with, but in this case and several others, I feel that the church has it wrong, and I can guarantee you that once I'm out, I have no intention of seeking out my dream guy, and then spending the rest of my life staring longingly at him across the dinner table without ever touching him. The fact that I'm past 50, married and still in the closet is due to many things, but in my case, my religion really was never a major reason, if at all--we were generally not obsessively strict, and my parents were not the kind of dead-eyed "Romans" with 12 kids who prayed the Rosary every night and fretted over the line between a venial and a mortal sin. We have some of them in our parish, but most of us are somewhat more liberal. That has probably kept me from agonizing over the religious aspect of being gay nearly as much as many others here. I don't think being gay is a "cross to bear" and I don't think avoiding sex is realistic or even sensible. But you may need to find some kind of middle ground here. No sex at all may work for some people, and sex with anyone interested may work for others. But maybe what you are looking for, and what left you feeling empty with past experiences, is a relationship that LEADS to sex (and maybe wild and frequent, at that!), as opposed to JUST sex? If that's the case, you may need to move in a different direction than a group like Courage. There are groups for Catholics that are not as hung up on the notion of abstinence (not sure what is in your area, but I think Dignity is one) , or you could look in a completely different direction, but I get the impression that you're not really comfortable with totally rejecting your upbringing, either. Something else to remember is that most of the religious "rules and regs" came more from the minds of religious leaders over the centuries than from God, the Bible or anywhere else. In my mind, at least, that means that they're not guaranteed to be right. You CAN like your job 80% of the time but disagree with management or policy 20% of the time, without feeling the need to look for a new job. Religion is no different. But you can't look for it to MAKE your decisions. That has to come from you.
