Hello everyone, I have nobody else to talk to at the moment but you guys, and I hope you can support me. I need to explain a back story for how I feel. From the age of 4 to 14, my step dad would beat my mother and occasionally hospitalise her. I grew up in fear, and he was my role model, I started to grow up like him through my most impressionable years. From the age of 4 to 10/11 I had been sexually used. (I have never told anyone about this, not even my last three counsellors, so it's a big thing for me to admit) I have suffered from depression for about 3 years, and haven't tried hard at school because I didn't think I would still be alive now. And that depression has come full circle, to bite me in the ass again, because that lack of effort I put in, I haven't got in to the sixth form I applied for. Making me feel worse. My step dad was a diagnosed psychopath, and I see things in myself, that I saw in him. I lie, cheat, manipulate. Because I have started to take pleasure from it. I don't see people as friends, I see them as puzzles. Paraphrasing Dexter, I feel like I'm carrying a 'dark passenger'. I have started to like hurting others and myself. Hurting is the only way I can feel anything, I dont feel happiness, or sad or anyhthing anymore, just like killing someone. At the age of 8 I tried to kill my step dad. I failed, at the end of that day, i vowed that even if it was the last thing I did, I would kill him. That is screwed up, an 8 year old, wanting, wishing some one dead to such an extend he tries to do it himself. I am on medications that cause depression, they are designed to stop acne. I know taking them is dangerous as I am already in a dark place, but I feel worse when everyone is looking at me, when my skin is bad. I don't want to grow up and turn into my step dad, or anything like him. Well, my biggest problem at the moment is I want to grow up, I don't want to be so depressed I feel like taking my stash of high strength tablets I have been rationing off from my prescriptions for the last couple of years. I know this isn't a LGBT matter, but this is the only forum I have, and coming out, did make me feel like shit, everyone staring at you. Insulting you, it's like you don't belong. I don't know who else to turn to, please someone help me. Give me advice. Anything that will make this go away.
Well done for sharing your history... and welcome to EC !! :eusa_danc The fact that you are able to sum up your situation quite clearly suggests you are going to be in a strong position to make some changes in the near future. And want to make some changes. First thing I would like to say is you are not your stepfather. Just because you are in his proximity does not mean you are going to become a clone of him. Put these thoughts aside and realise you can shape / direct your own future. The acne meds do not sound helpful - can they not be changed for something less problematic? Are you getting proper advice on meds from a decent psychiatrist so you are not being given meds that conflict with your underlying depression? I think that, given the early onset of the hostile environment you experienced as a child, you will have picked up a lot of negative traits that are possibly quite deeply rooted. And therefore possibly best explored / examined/ minimised through therapy - chipping the 'dark passenger' to pieces ... have you considered this or had any therapy??? Are you living at home or away from home? (*hug*)
Yes, the meds are counter productive, but when my acne clears, (as it does occasionally). I feel happiness, which is rare, but i feel like i can express myself more. So, i put up with them for the clarity they provide occasionally. They cause 17 suicides a year for people my age, but it is not a guarantee, they cause depression, its just a maybe. I have had a couple of counsellors in the past, but I have never admitted half of what I have said above to anyone, not even counsellors. I only posted on here as its anonymous. And even then it was really difficult to actually post that. I live at home. I should probably add, we kick my step dad out 3 years ago, but he is still causing us problems. I feel all my problems would go away if I did something drastic, and he dissapered. Mum suffered from depression so I never wanted to vring it up with my counsellors as they would tell mum and she would feel more crappy. So I suppose me bottling all of this up, was just as much to protect myself as to protect her. She, doesnt know about any of the above.
Your discussions with a therapist would be very helpful if you had certainty that they are in confidence. Which they should be. I do not know why a counsellor or therapist would blab to your mother (unless the rules are different where you are - perhaps) I think it might be useful to discuss the deeper secrets with someone. Somehow divulging the information face to face might just unburden you. You can also work together to find a way out of your predicaments and worrying thoughts. A good therapist could help with a lot of the things in your original post. By all means use this forum to get other people's views - but you must steer clear of "doing something drastic" as that can only lead to truly bad situation (eg: prison or death). Bottling it up is a classic bad tactic in dealing with things. You lose proportion and perspective and things eat away. Talking it out on EC or with a therapist (or a trusted friend or relative) can really help to de-fuse the bomb inside you !! Whilst protecting your mother (by not talking about things) is understandable - the price to pay is you are missing out on the benefits such interaction might bring ? She might welcome you opening up a bit and she may also open up a bit to you. Without falling in to a depression she might be lifted by it ?? Just a thought...
Continue seeking therapy....please never stop talking to someone, anyone. The moment you become isolated is the moment you will regret. So please, continue to seek and get professional help. It is imperative. If you cannot do therapy, please call Boys Town. 1-800-448-3000. They are available 24/7 and are there for at-risk youth and families. These forums are great for general support, but I really think you need help. You are not your step-dad. You developed coping skills and in the situation you were in you became a liar/cheat/angry not because you are a bad person, but you had to stay ahead of the game to keep you and your Mom safe. It's a survival skill. You should feel good about yourself that you have the mind to see how unhealthy the behavior is. My heart as a mother feels for you. I never want to see any child have any pain in their hearts. I really hope you find what you are seeking. And to reiterate again...never stop talking to someone...keep staying strong. *Stephany*
The reason I said my counsellor would tell someone. My current counsellor is a school counsellor, which I was advised to see by senior members of my school. If I tell her anything particularly bad she can tell social services, parents, people at school. But only if its bad enough. And my previous counsellors werem't fully confidential either, and to me EC is. Thanks for the advice @bingostring I did see that number on else where, but I think the bill from calling that number would be just as bad news as what I have to say. I'm from UK. I will find a UK company thats similar to them. Thanks, I hadn't thought about that. Thanks Skyriclyn
i know alot about how you feel i have felt this way since i was 13 its horrible but i am here if you want to talk hun *hugs* its a lonely life and it feels like no one understands but your not alone im not a psychopath but i know the depression and suicide
Thanks ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2013 at 04:03 PM ---------- It's nice to know there are some people out there who I can talk to, I prefer talking to people in the same situation rather than a counsellor, as they can show empathy rather than just sympathy. If you've been feeling like this since your 13, how old are you now? I stood up to my step dad when I was thirteen, and kicked him out. That's the bravest thing I have ever done, considering he had been drinking at the time. I just find myself blaming myself for stepping up sooner, and people say I was too young, but i still beat myself up over it, I still hurt myself in punishment. Thats why I am worried about me ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2013 at 04:05 PM ---------- What made you first feel like that?
