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Lost and Struggling

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sen1126, Sep 2, 2013.

  1. sen1126

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Tonight, I was really struggling with some stuff in my life. I searched for a site like this because I really have no one to talk to... I'm new to it and don't really know quite what I'm doing, but I figured this is better than isolating myself and contemplating drastic measures to help myself.

    I'm 20, I'm a femme lesbian. I don't really know where to start, but basically, I'm just really missing my ex. No one really understands how hard it can be to get over a relationship that was mostly a secret unless you've been there. Like I said, I don't really know where to start...so I guess with background information...so if anyone does read this (I have no expectations), then it might be a little easier to understand.

    I met her (I'll call her K) in high school. We became instant friends, and in hindsight, we both later realized that we were never really just "friends". We instantly clicked, I had never had a friend like her. At this point in my life I didn't label myself as gay simply because I didn't think I was. Again, hindsight later helped me realize that I had always known, but that's a completely different story.

    After only about 3 months or so of knowing K, I was not only super close with her but with her family as well. They invited me on their family beach vacation at the end of the summer and K and I were so excited we could barely contain ourselves. So the beach trip rolls around, we're silly 16 year olds who sneak some alcohol one night, and we end up making out........all night. Like until the sun comes up.

    We laughed it off as something "best friends do when they get drunk". However, something changed after that. We were clingy and protective...we didn't want to be apart. We openly missed each other...we would have sleepovers on the weekends and sneak alcohol to get drunk (just because we both wanted to kiss again but didn't want to admit it). Eventually, we started kissing sober and things progressed from there. Long story short, we eventually labeled ourselves as girlfriends about 4 months later. Also, we both realized we were gay.

    We had a little over a year together. Our relationship was mostly secret because of the way our families were. A few friends knew. Fast forward about 9 months into the relationship and her mom busted us. She read K's diary and our texts and wouldn't let us have sleepovers or anything. Couldn't be in the same room with a door closed. We had to "prove" we were "just friends"

    A summer of "proving" came between us. We taught ourselves to look like nothing was between us and eventually it wore off into our relationship. About a year after it officially began, we broke up. We were both devastated. We both handled it differently. I isolated myself and just tried to finish out high school. She almost instantly got with someone else....a guy. We both still fought like cats and dogs because we still cared.

    College started and we had contact once and a while ( we go to the same university). She and her bf eventually broke up and she ran back to me, saying "she never stopped loving me, blah blah blah" All the while I had been drowning myself in meaningless hook ups to distract my pain of missing her. We fought over and over, didn't get back together at that point. 5 months later, we sort of had a thing again. That ended. About another 3 months later (and this brings us to last fall), we made up yet again. This time things lasted for about 4 months. Until she left me for her ex (the guy).

    I guess I've been fooled and used. I believed her when she said she never loved him like she loved me, she always wanted us to work out, and whatever else. I guess I believed her when she sat in therapy with me and cried because she was afraid of how society would treat her and of how her father would react if she were gay.

    She and her bf got engaged last month. It feels so final. My heart is constantly aching because I'll never talk to her again, every bit of our history is meaningless to her. So, here I am, posting this, because I just don't know what to do.

    Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? I don't have any gay friends and so it's difficult to go through this. We have mutual friends so no matter what I do, traces of her are everywhere.

    Help? :frowning2:
     
  2. TheMailman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I can't really help you here, I'm afraid. But I can offer this: I don't think she left you because she didn't love you, in fact, I think she still loves you deeply. But she will never come out of the closet, she's too afraid to come out to the world, afraid what they might think.

    But you will be happier, being who you are. K will always be in the denial stage. She will always have to watch her thoughts, and hide who she is. She can never be as happy as you will be, remember that.
    You will be able to move on, lead a happy, long life.

    I hope this helped you to feel a bit better. Good luck going forward, you WILL get over her, but not with meaningless hook-ups. Just live your life, you'll find someone right for you.
    (*hug*)