OK, so, I don't know if I'm gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual, and it's slowly but surely destroying my life to the point that I feel like killing myself. I'm trying not to put a label on myself but my mind is telling me otherwise... I have this fantasy about sucking cock which stemmed from Erotic Hypnosis (Female Domination). It's a fantasy. Perhaps one day I'll act it out in real life, but up until this fantasy started I've always been interested in women. Now though, this fantasy is with me 24/7. It's like my mind is constantly visualizing me sucking a cock and I literally can't stop it. Sometimes I find it arousing, sometimes I don't... it all depends on my mood. I'm incredibly anxious that I'm acting gay or that people think I'm gay to the point I'm crippled with fear. I don't feel like a man. I want a girlfriend, but I don't feel worthy of one. I tell myself I must be bisexual because I have this fantasy, but my mind disagrees and still shouts "No you are gay!" ALL the time, and I really don't know what to do. The funny thing is, I have no attraction towards guys. The thought of kissing a guy isn't very appealing, but the thought of kissing a women is. I want to girlfriend to come home to, to cuddle up to, to laugh with and to share life with. I want to be with a women, and always have done all my life. But, I just don't feel like a man. I'm crap at manly tasks, I have no common sense, and have been perceived as gay on numerous occasions. I admit, I suffer from social anxiety and is something that stems in the family. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere or with anyone. I'm too emotionally unstable and very insecure in a lot of things. I have no social skills, am always awkward around new people and can't seem to have banter. I'm so insecure. First it was my weight. Now I've lost so much weight and have a fairly good physique, I can't help look in the mirror and think I look gay. I don't recognize myself has a man anymore. I just don't know what to do. It's like my mind just won't leave me alone. It's affected everything that I do and say 24/7. Always anxious, always masturbating in the toilet at work trying to work out my orientation. I find both women and the thought of sucking cock highly arousing. I want a relationship with a women, but I'm so insecure and feel so worthless that I think that would never be possible. I would be too emotionally dependent in a relationship that it would never work because of my anxiety and my insecurity as a man and as a person in general. Help, please!
Welcome to EC! My main thought upon reading your post is that you simply have too much going on for anybody to be able to "set things right" with just the right combination of words. I'd definitely suggest looking into getting a LGBTQ-friendly therapist so you can work through this stuff in earnest. But I can at least haphazardly poke at your situation with a stick to see if I can find out anything. I'll just highlight some things you've said, and give my thoughts on them. Ordinarily, this would be rather telling, and it might suggest that your gay fantasies were simply "spice" to keep a (apparently up-until-now completely fantasy-based) sex life interesting. However, there are a lot of things in your post that suggest something else. I can highlight several parts of your post that equate "gay" with something negative. Be it your fear of being thought of as gay, or your thought that the thinner-you "looks gay" AND "doesn't look like a man", or that you're not "worthy of a girlfriend". I don't know if any of this is intentional or subliminal or what, but let me just take a second to spell out some stuff. * Being gay doesn't necessarily mean you're less masculine. * Being less masculine doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. * Being gay doesn't make you less of a man. * Gays aren't "failed straights". We're not gay because we decided there's no way we could land a girlfriend. In fact, as the running joke goes, there are a lot of women upset that we gay guys aren't interested in them, because we're good catches otherwise. Given that, you MAY have simply erected a wall between yourself and homosexuality. Then again, you may be having these fantasies for precisely the reasons you suggest. Understand that when I fantasize about giving oral to a guy, or actually do it, I don't consider it a degrading act. I don't go down on guys because I'm not worthy of a woman, or as punishment for something. I do it because it's fucking awesome. I love doing it, and the guy loves me doing it, so it's an enjoyable activity for both of us. But that's not how it sounds in your post. It sounds like something akin to a "punishment". As if to say "No, you're not worthy of having a woman. You're so low, you're going to have to give oral pleasure to a MAN." (The "dominant female" thing certainly seems to suggest this, as well.) And you might find this sort of mindset sexually exciting. Ordinarily, I don't have much issue with whatever games people want to play in the bedroom. If you want to tie someone up, or get tied up, or play master-and-servant, or whatever else - as long as your partner is cool with it, go on with your bad self. But it sounds like this isn't just a sexual kink. It's playing off your already-battered self-esteem. And given that, I don't think it's healthy. So back to the original advice. Definitely do keep working on your self-esteem. I'd again suggest finding a therapist. And as far as your sexual fantasies go, I'd see if you can revert back to something more neutral. Keep the dominance/submissive stuff out of it for now. See if you can fantasize about having sex with somebody on equal footing. Where it boils down to "I'm horny, you're horny, let's have sex." "Cool." Lex
Geeza, I think that you may have gender dysphoria and you're a lesbian woman stuck in a male body. After reading your post, it's the impression that I have. It would explain your whole post actually...
Wow. Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it. This certainly is a very difficult time in my life... I'm only 22 so I'm glad I'm sorting this out now so I can enjoy the rest of it in peace. The last year I have abused the hell out of drugs (cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy and marijuana specifically) and I really don't think they have helped me. I locked myself away in my room for nearly two years crippled with anxiety due to my weight, and it was during this time that I came across my Erotic Hypnosis fetish. An old friend of mine then started inviting me round, and we used to smoke weed. I never enjoyed smoking weed, but I done it to fit in. Whenever I'd smoke it and was high, my mind would scream "SUCK HIS COCK YOU GAY BOY SUCK HIS COCK. ADMIT TO HIM YOU ARE GAY NOW!" and this was nearly a year ago. It happened on and off, but very, very rarely do I have an enjoyable high... I just become crippled with anxiety. Sometimes on Ketamine I would visualize myself "coming out" to people and how easier life would be when I admitted to everyone that I enjoyed sucking cock. The thing is, it's never about relationships with men, it's always related to sucking cock. I really wish my mind would shut up and let me function normally. There hasn't been a day for the last few weeks where I haven't been able to stop thinking and analyzing to the point where I feel like I'm destroying my life. I'm not scared of the outcome, I know it will make me happier whatever it will be, I just wish my mind would work with me and not against me. It's always making me feel fucking worthless. This is what I initially thought as well. In all honesty, homosexuality really isn't accepted where I am, but for myself and the group of friends I've been hanging around with lately, we are very accepting and open minded. I've spent most of my useless life trying to be liked and accepted - I'm rubbish at creating and maintaining relationships, I'm just a "smart kid" who sits in the corner and doesn't say a word because I don't value myself. But, I find it very hard to imagine spending my life with someone who isn't a female. I want the intimacy, closeness and togetherness of a relationship with a women. I honestly do. Perhaps I'm insane... I am seeing the doctor next week where hopefully he'll refer me to a therapist. In the UK, therapy is free, but you have to be referred by your doctor. This is very, very interesting. When I first read it, I couldn't comprehend literally becoming female. But, now that I think about it, the thought of having a vagina is actually very arousing. I once listened to an Erotic Hypnosis session that involved gender transformation, and it was fucking awesome, and I have worn panties before. Thinking about it, my life would be so much easier if I was a women, but I wasn't put on this earth as one. The funny thing is, my parents often used to joke that I should have been a women... for example, I'm highly sensitive and I even I have breasts (gynecomastia), both of which don't help with my self-image. What makes this even more interesting, is for most of my life I've only ever masturbated to lesbian porn, the thought of seeing another guys tackle used to turn me off. Contradictory or what! I am very sensitive, I wonder if this erotic hypnosis has had a damaging effect on me. I know you are most vulnerable to manipulation and stress when you are anxious... and when I listened to it, I was the most anxious I've ever been. I never used to have any problems falling into a trance, and I remember when I used to come out of it I used to have a hard time remembering what went on. The reason I found female domination quite interesting at the time is because it felt like it gave me a sense of purpose and it gave me pleasure during yet again another confusing and low time of my life. Now just to throw something else even more confusing in the works, the last four or five months I have become obsessed with a girl I am living with. She is quite manly believe it or not, but she's absolutely gorgeous and I really do fancy her. A lot of the time I have a constant need for her reciprocation, but I'm not worthy enough for her. I couldn't be a real man in the relationship. I wouldn't know how to act, what to say, what to do, how to be because I've never had a relationship. It would feel like everyone would laugh at me because everyone knows I shouldn't have a girlfriend. I freeze and become anxious every moment I spend with her, my confidence goes out the window and I beat myself up making myself feel worthless all the time because I blow every opportunity I get to make an impression or to get close with her. So, one side of me is telling me I'm gay and that I need to suck cock... while the other is falling head over hills for a girl. I think I'm insane.
I couldn't take anymore, so I contacted a local therapist. I was in there for two hours, I've been out for about an hour now and I couldn't feel any better. Just in case anyone is going through the same thing, I wanted to post on here. The truth? I was in denial. God that feels better saying that. In fact, the truth is I don't quite know what my sexuality is. I have a tendency to over-think. My brain goes at 100mph and my fear and anxiety is all based around what other people think. I've lived a life trying to impress other people and my own needs and my own happiness would always take the back seat - and it's all to do with acceptance. You're never going to be accepted by anyone unless you accept yourself. And interestingly, discovering this, I've never felt more of a man. So I've figured out I may in fact be gay. I understand now why it's so important to not label yourself. In life, it's all about happiness, and it's the right people, regardless of there sex. So, I'm attracted to both women and to men. Whether it's equally, I'm not sure, that's something I'm going to have to find out... and I'm going to enjoy the ride. I may end up with a women, I may end up with a man. Do I have a preference? Not particularly, not until I've tried... but my fantasies at the minute would probably suggest it's going to be a man. I can't believe my outlook on life can be completely changed within two hours. Less than three hours ago I was suicidal and anxious. Crazy. Anyway, I no longer care what people think. I'm going to seek happiness for myself, and although it's going to be a bit of a bumpy ride, I'm 100% committed to finding the right person, for the right reason. Next step... help deal with my social anxiety and get back my self-esteem! So, if any of you are in the same boat, and want to no what to do next because a big hole has been left from all the worrying and confusion, then understand sexuality is so complex. You need to find out what you prefer. And once you found it, learn to be happy and be proud. So, Lexington, even though I was afraid to admit it to myself, your wise words were correct. I did erect a wall between myself and homosexuality. In fact, it was a huge wall that took two hours for the therapist to break down! I've been over the whole Female Domination fantasy for a while, I honestly believe that was a stage, I don't think I'm ready to go back to it just yet as I need to work on my self-esteem, but to think I could use this as an excuse makes me laugh. My advice to anyone reading this? HOCD, Sexual Orientation OCD, and Gay OCD do not exist. Learn to experiment, be open-minded and aim for happiness in life. Fuck society and be proud.
Yep, I just broke down. Secretly I knew. I knew I was in denial but just didn't want to admit it because I was scared what other people would think. I was making up all kinds of excuses, and it's this that causes all the confusion. I mean the truth is, I still don't know whether I prefer guys or not, but I'm going to find out soon enough. Does anyone have any tips to finding local gay men?
Glad that you broke down the barrier. Don't fuss too much about who you like... it may end up that you're pansexual and just like everyone (male, female, MtF, FtM and so on). As for finding local gay men... hit the internet and look for the local LGBT places near you, like bars, pubs, discos and so on. And remember to always keep an eye on your health... play safe and don't let yourself get used by anyone.
