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Not again!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Aptiva, Sep 4, 2013.

  1. Aptiva

    Regular Member

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    This is going to be long so sorry in advance.

    So we are back to school from summer holidays. It was a nice break, especially with being able to avoid my crush most of the time, despite him living fairly close to me.

    I am pretty sure I've talked about him before and I know I've talked about him on my previous account that I deleted. I am probably annoying you all with my garbage posts, but I am looking for advice, and if its okay, a good place to vent.

    Last year, there was this guy in one of my classes that I fell head over heels in love with. Funny thing, I technically haven't even met him. Anyways, all the time during that class, it seemed to me that he was really flirty all the time when he sat in the desk behind me, like he would touch my feet and my legs all the time with his feet and he did it too often for it to seem accidental. I've also only talked to him only a couple of times. I don't have the physical courage to talk to him more.

    He is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and he looks just perfect. Last year, he was fairly thin but it seems now that he's built up some muscle and he looks even better than before. I figured the summer would keep my mind off of him but it sure as hell didn't.

    Anyways, I want to write him off. As much as I keep fantasizing about him and wishing I could have him, I just want to forget about him but its far too difficult. He takes the same bus as me, and even though I can avoid him by taking city transit, I am late every time if I do. I want to get incentive for the first time so I can't take city transit more than 3 times. He is also in my English class and Foods class.

    But that isn't all.

    Every time I see him, it's like my heart flutters, I get so "romantically excited", which is no where near the same as being horny, just for the record. It's hard to keep my eyes off of him. Because these two classes are the last classes of my day, I go home very depressed. I get depressed whenever I see him and I get thoughts of why I should die, of why I'm worthless and a useless piece of trash. It trails over from my crush mood to my outlook on life.

    I feel like I won't be successful and I should just give up now. He's extremely smart and is in all the high level classes and I am no where near that. I also don't think I'm attractive so even if he did turn out to be gay then he wouldn't be into me. Don't other guys go for taller, handsome guys? I'm definitely not that. He's quite tall as well which makes me feel worse about myself.

    Because of this I feel all kinds of self hate. I have thoughts about wishing I died at birth, thinking that I should just give up on everyone and having a strong feeling of being unsuccessful in life. English is the only class I'm really good at but it isn't in the field of what I want to do. It isn't even related in any way.

    Now that school has started again, my depression is getting a lot worse and I hate myself even more. Most nights I had to cry myself to sleep because I know I'll never have him. On several occasions I've tried cutting myself again, but not doing much, just a couple of nicks.

    I just don't want to fall in love ever again. They say that there's someone for everyone, but I don't believe that because I feel as if I'm unattractive, I'm short, I feel like I'm irritating to my friends but most of all I'm probably just all-out undesirable. I highly doubt there's anyone out there for me and even if there is I won't meet them until I'm 50, which is unlikely.

    It makes me physically ill, it slows me down and is probably going to degrade my school performance even more. If there was a pill to make me straight, or at least make me never fall in love again I would take it with no hesitation. Being gay sucks, like really sucks. I should probably quit my whining because there are people who have life much worse, but I am just so sick and tired and need to vent. I'll be surprised if this gets read through to the end.

    Someone help me please! I don't ever want to feel this pain again. And there's only two options I can think of and that's either get castrated so I never fall in love and we all know the other option. Sorry if there's any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm using my phone to type this out.

    I'm too scared to tell anyone about this in person so I just bottle it up.
     
  2. eatsleepclimb

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    I understand a little bit (although I'm not going through close to what you are), I thought I was over my crush until today when I first saw her since June and I was like "darn it, another year of this again"
    I'm so sorry you're in this situation :frowning2: I don't know if this is really possible but is there some sort of support group for lgbt kids that you could go to, or is there a place where you could meet other gay guys your age that could distract you from your crush (people that you could actually end up in a relationship with?) I understand that it might be hard because you're not out at school or anything, but maybe because your mom knows it could be possible? The worst thing is feeling alone and feeling like you're the only one. Good luck with everything (*hug*)
     
  3. Emberblaze

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    Hey there kiddo, I'm going to give you some advice that someone like ME would take. You may not be like me, so this is just going to be a shot in the dark.

    Why do most of us live? Sure, some may say to help others, care for others, make a difference in the world. And then, some will say the truth--they live for their own pleasure.

    When you boil it down, we as human beings live only for our own gratification and satisfaction. We want and need things to live up to that satisfaction, but those wants and needs are scarce for everyone.

    You want to be with this guy, and hey, you may even feel like you need him. But, think of it this way, he's just another "WANT" on your Great To-Do List of Life. There are plenty of things that are on that list that you can get and that you may just not be able to get.

    So when one of those things fail, do you just give up on life? If your cant get the car you want, do you end it all? If that career opportunity that you fought for eludes your grasp do you throw away all hope and give up on your dreams.

    Uh, no. You keep going and keep fighting.

    You're going to be sad and depressed, you really are, but it will be temporary. Love is for everyone who wants to partake in it. There are MANY right guys out there, but you'll never find them if you're forever down about this one.

    I'm not telling you not to mourn, I"m just providing you with the light of the future.