1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to feel comfortable with myself outside of a relationship

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Jaden, Sep 5, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. Jaden

    Jaden
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2013
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My life has been entirely defined by my relationships. Ever since my first girlfriend, when I was 15 - and that's a long, melodramatic story, let me tell you - I feel like I've basically just been drifting from relationship to relationship in my life. After my relationship with her fell apart, I basically looked for somebody - anybody - to cling to. My friends weren't there for me. I don't blame them anymore - we were all too young to deal with what I was going through at the time. So I ended up almost immediately dating another girl in my life. And then I went straight from her to another, and another...etc. I've only had one long-lasting relationship that I was sure was actually going somewhere, but she ended up breaking my heart as well, after a year and a half.

    Anyways, I've been single for almost two years. That's the longest I've ever been single since I started dating. I understand my problem completely - I use my relationships to define myself. The thing is, I have no sense of who I am outside of a relationship. I never had a chance to find out, because I was young(er) and hormonal and in love. I feel like half a man when I'm alone like this.

    I know the solution isn't to jump into another relationship necessarily, it's to come to terms with my identity when I'm single. But I don't know who that person is. My two modes are "in a relationship" or "looking for a relationship." There was a version of me that was fine with who he was as a person, but that version died about 8 years ago. Since then, I've been wracked with depression and self-esteem issues. I don't know to stay motivated to do anything in this state, and I'll do just about anything to fix it =/ I just don't know how to do anything but hate myself.
     
    #1 Jaden, Sep 5, 2013
  2. RoguesWolfe

    RoguesWolfe
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kentucky
    I know this isn't much and may be random but if you ever need anyone to talk to shoot me a wall message I would be glad to listen. I'm great at doing that ^-^.
     
    #2 RoguesWolfe, Sep 6, 2013
  3. Filip

    Filip
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Finding who you are is, in a way, like finding something comfortable to wear: you try on a few things and see if they fit.

    So the best way, IMO, to go about it, is to take on a number of hobbies/projects. Join a sports club. See if there's volunteering you can do, see if some nearby school offers open courses in something that seems vaguely interesting! If you find any of them enjoyable, talk to the other participants. Interacting with like-minded people is also a good idea to find out more about yourself.

    And, here's the important part: if you find one of these things not working out, don't see it as a failure in any way. If you're trying out shirts, and the first one doesn't fit, that isn't a "failure to find fitting clothes". Instead, you go and try out another shirt. Building a life of your own is just like that.

    To give some personal examples: joining a judo club was way out of my original interests, but on a recommendation from a friend, I tried it anyway. Turns out I found a lot of satisfaction that way, and a group of friends that stuck around. I consider EC to be somewhat of a volunteering job, and I've learned more about myself by talking to the people here than I ever would have thought there was to know.
    On the other hand, I ended up abandoning my piano classes and my French class because I lost interest. But that's the way of life.

    And, in a way, you're doing some of that already. you're here, talking to people about yourself and offering your thoughts. It's already a sign that exploring yourself is going on in earnest! :slight_smile:


    Last but very much not least: if these feelings of depression and worthlessness have been around for years, it might be best to talk to a professional about them. Over time, such feelings can be hard to get rid of, and like you wouldn't sit around with a persistent cough without going to the doctor's, you shouldn't sit around with a persistent depressio without getting a professional look at it.

    In any case: I have no doubt you'll end up finding out more about who songle Jaden is. And from the posts you made around here, I'd say he seems like a pretty good guy :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Filip, Sep 6, 2013
  4. Jaden

    Jaden
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2013
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks, I may take you up on that :slight_smile: (*hug*)

    Thanks, that's very sweet of you (*hug*)

    As for the depression issue, I have sought professional help. Therapy seemed like a dead end for me, but I'm on anti-depressants. They help...somewhat. I'm definitely not as bad off as I was before taking them at least. But I still have lots of issues and they don't help and much as actually dealing with the root problem would be.
     
    #4 Jaden, Sep 6, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)