I don't really know how to go about this. It seems odd. I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for but four years ago when my relationship ended to the best guy I've ever known I started to wonder if that was even what I wanted. It was the "status quo", meet the guy establish a long term relationship, he proposes to you, and we were "engaged" for four years. Oddly enough the demise of our pending wedding had nothing to do at the time with me questioning who I was and what I wanted. I got scared and hit the self distruct button and ran. Since that had ended I have experienced more love and loss but never really feeling right about it. I've moved about and even spent a brief period of time in Europe. I've had a difficult life at best and I'll never use that as an excuse to say that I'm not "happy" now. I balance life every day while maintaining the different challenges that I have had to learn to cope with. But the past few years I find myself drawn towards women. Mentally, emotionally, and as much as I fight myself to say it, sexually. I feel ashamed to fight myself every day to ignore it. I had always considered myself strongly in support of all my gay friends, hell even my mother is gay. I remember when she came out and how happy she was, she would always say that she would of come out in her twenties but the world was not as kind and accepting as it is today. I can honestly say that the thought of exploring what interests me more and opening myself up to it terrifies me. I've had some nights that I've cried about it thinking that I'd much rather go through past traumas than think that that is what I could possibly be. And then I find myself becoming angry with myself for thinking like that cause that is not the voice of reason from someone that is supposed to be a supporter of that life. I've never been more scared of anything in my life than I am now and wondering what it is. I'm so tired of putting on the facede of looking for the next "Mr. Right". when I someday think that is not at all what I am looking for in love form some one. The ironic thing is, if I where to accept it right here and now, I'm almost cretin that every one I know would accept and embrace it. But like I said. I've never been more scared of anything in my life. But when I think about some one sexually it's another women and that makes my heart feel right that feeling in your stomach when some one has swept you away and I think of it as another girl and it does make me happy but just as well it's over in a second because I can't cope with that fear. Like I said, I know every one would accept and embrace it but I'm still scared. I've almost for the most part shut myself out socially and I'm nearing out of ideas how to cope. I know it's easy to just say accept it but I choke on the words and turn around and ignore everything. I know this is like a shot in the dark but I had to take a shot or try something because it is a very lonely battle when I've pretty much locked out every one I know who would support me. I'm not sure I'm ready for them to join that battle even or if I am either.
Just think about what will make you truly happy! Why should you cope with what you want? Just don't stop yourself from your thoughts and desires. You will find out more about yourself that way. Then when you're confident enough, you will let everybody you want to know. You should find support right now somehow because you need that really bad right now. I know I'll be here to support if you would like and I'm sure other people will also support you on here. Best of luck to you!
If it's other people's opinion that you fear, do not. Don't live to make other people happy. Don't live to make people like you. Live for yourself. If a woman is what makes you happy, and making her happy makes you happy, then for fuck's sake do what makes you happy. You don't have to label yourself as "straight" or "gay." Just label yourself as happy
What I'm about to say might not be very helpful but I'm more or less in the same situation as you. It's probably fear of the unknown that's making it so hard to accept myself and because I know that my life is probably not going to be the kind of life I was brought up to look forward to. Uncertainty is always scary. The best thing for me to do is to just leave it alone and not think about any of it. I'll deal with it when I'm ready, one by one but I just can't at the moment. I'm still the same person, nothing has changed about me, except I've realized my future is going to be very different from what I've been led to believe.
Until that early morning in February of this year, as I lay on the couch (since I no longer slept with my wife), I still thought that all I needed to do was find "the right woman", but I couldn't sleep; my mind, soul, whatever, was trying to tell me something important about me; that I am gay. Suddenly it all clicked into place, like some giant lock mechanism suddenly unlocking. And that closet door opened a bit that night and a feeling of joy and release and "rightness" came over me. The fear had vanished. The shame had gone away, I could finally deal with this fact and accept it for what it was. The day that followed that morning is indescribable: I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, I finally felt as if things made sense at last. I could be free to love fully, wholeheartedly, without reserve, without judgment. There's nothing wrong with fear, unless it paralyzes you. Use your fear to guide you, use it to counsel you. But to act, you need to let that fear pass over and through you, so that you can set it aside and become who you are.
I've had to deal with a lot in my life and like I said I've never and I will never use it as a crutch. I think I've always had a life where I thought everything through. And these feelings and these emotions have been something that I've thought long and hard about. I can remember a time when I was with the guy I was supposed to get married to where I was out with a bunch of girl friends and we were out at one girls ranch out side of the city and we'd all had a few to drink and this was shortly after one girl came out. She was so confident and sure of who she was and I remember looking at all three of them and I said out loud, "sometimes I wonder if I'm gay" and there was just this long silence. I never talked about it out loud again. I still was with my ex for another 2 years before I left him. I've had about 3 failed relationships since him and the whole time in my mind I was thinking this was not what I wanted. I know it's so it's all the fear of the unknown but I am so terrified to say the words out loud rather than think or type them because I'm terrified it will change everything about me. This isn't getting a hair cut or changing a hair style or glasses. This is admitting something that I want to but I can't let go of what I've lead myself to be and what every one around me thinks I am already. I know that they wont hate me for it and they'd probably love me more for being who I want to be on my own terms. When I think I'm ready to do it I just break down and cry. This will change everything. I've never had such a hard time with something as I do with this. and I cope every day with Bi Polar and social anxiety. Nothing has scared me as much as this and I've cried more tears over this than anything in my life. I truly feel like I'm in the fight of my life with myself. My brother and I were talking the other day and he said love should always 100% be unconditional and blind and it shouldn't matter who you find to love you as long as you have some one to love you. I'm ready to find love but I know that love I want would be from a women and I'm scared more than anything to say it out loud, it becomes real once I do.
Start by saying out loud: "I am gay" to yourself, look in the mirror, say it again, and again if necessary. You're hanging on to your old self, obviously that is a comfort you hold dear. It's kind of like you're hanging on to some tree-branch as a deep dark chasm lies beneath you. Your only source of information about what's down there is us, we've crossed that line, we've let go of old illusions and comforts in exchange for a deeper and more authentic life. Just let it be.
