I dont even know whats going on really. Ive always been there for others really when they have needed advice, not the other way around. But I feel realy lost right now, and I am afraid. I after almost three and a half years have been with my partner, and I we have back and fourth about weather we were going to stay together or not, but today, I finally told him it was not working for me. For many reasons. However, when I did, he told me he had been having an affair for long time. I feel really violated and almost sick even I dont know how to handle all of this.
I recently went through a break up. (on the 26th). And as cheesy as it seems time does help. I feel a little bit better everyday. As far as him cheating, that should make you feel even better about breaking up with him. Dont spend all day thinking about it. I know that's easier said than done but try to focus on other things. That's what is helping me right now hope it helps you too. hope you feel better
First and foremost: take one of these: (*hug*) In fact, take a couple: (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) They're a poor substitute for the real thing, but do know there's people out there thinking of you and wishing you well! (*hug*) I can't tell you how exactly to handle this in detail. But I think my general framework for handling loss, disappointment, and anger, looks a bit like the following: Start off by allowing yourself to feel bad. If you want to cry, you don't need to be ashamed about it or have an excuse. It's a normal feeling you have to get through. This is the time to lean on friends, just like you'd allow them to lean on you if they're having a bad time. If it helps, express your feelings. I'm the more verbal kind, so I tend to express my feelings in long letters (which I never send or even really keep. I delete them about 24 hours after typing them. It's mainly the act of writing that clarifies my thoughts). I know my brother sorts through things by way of long exhaustive runs. Others use other methods. But they help to get your thoughts out there instead of mulling them over. Try not to get wrapped up in resentment. It's normal to be resentful for a while (and it's a normal part of grieving), but over time, it's better to see how his actions were probably the result of mistakes, weaknesses, bad calls, cowardice etc. That doesn't mean "oh, just forget what happened!". But actively remind yourself that it's the future that matters, not obsessing over the past. Yeah, the above is a bit formulaic. But I hope that it can help somewhat. Above all, don't ever forget we're here to listen. It's tough, but you're not alone! (*hug*)
I feel for you Ty, here's one from me (*hug*) I would add one more to Filip's excellent list: try not to paint your entire relationship in light of how it ended. Try to remember the good times and the love that you had for each other. It seems life is a series of forks in the road, and the right decision is needed at every one. Sometimes, at one of these forks, a wrong decision occurs, and a whole new direction is taken which, inevitably, culminates in something that should not have happened. Feel your loss, and feel it fully. Eventually, you will have to let it go and move on; a little wiser, hopefully not too jaded by the experience. Hopefully, for your own sake, you will one day forgive. All the best! (*hug*)
Thank you everyone, It just feel so strange, like I have stepped into an alternate reality. I was done already, but when he told me what he had done, I just lost it. It was not something that he recently did, like 2 years ago, but the thing is, I feel really lied to and violated. It was my best friend that he cheated with (who has like slept with everyone in Sacramento practically), and they had unprotected sex. What really sucks is that He swore up and down that he was a virgin, and I gave him mine, and he never got tested either, so yesterday I had to sit through getting blood drawn and everything. The whole relationship has been built on top of lies. We had problems being intimate, like he wouldn't touch me, or look at me, or say I love you, or cuddle, and now I know why, its cause I was his sloppy seconds, and he was shameful every time he looked at me, or tried to have sex with me, and he blamed our sex problems on me and intimacy problems on me because I had a normal sex drive, and I like physical affection as much as non physical affection. I feel like I have lived through alot of his depression for the last 3 years, and I feel like I had been waiting and waiting for something to get better that never would. I just cant believe someone I loved would not only put me in danger sexually, but also lie to me and live in that lie for 3 years. He wanted to be with my friend, he told me, and when my friend found someone else (a new flavor) he left my ex, and then he just decided that it was easier to be with me then be alone. I dont know if I can trust as much ever again. I have never been jealous in our relationship, and I am really wounded.
Oh man, that must really, really hurt...best of luck with the tests... The way you describe how he treated you reminds me of the last dismal years of my marriage; only I was the guilty one, I didn't and couldn't acknowledge that I am gay and she assumed that our lack of sex was her fault...it's a shitty thing to do to someone, to treat them as second best and to hang on to them by default for convenience instead of love. Part of the reason I came out to myself was because I could not, ever, do that to some woman again...but the deep regret is still there. There's a choice you need to make; a new fork in the road in front of which you need to stand awhile and work through how you will approach the rest of your life and relationships therein. I recently had an intimate friend who was seriously hurt by other guys in the past. His approach with me was to enjoy our company, but to never say "I love you"; he never said it, he was too afraid to be that vulnerable. I don't know if this is the proper way to approach relationships...I never knew where I stood with him, and I could not open my heart to him as I would have wished, his defenses were all on alert, always. The relationship ended soon enough. This is the risk you are facing, that trusting someone new will be too difficult. I don't know the answer to regaining that trust, I'm not even sure if you should...but you need to decide how you want to live your life; in fear...or in vulnerability (with all due precautions and lessons applied). You are a beautiful person, inside and out. There is someone out there for you, who deserves you. It will take time for you to heal, take the time, take small steps and try to recognize that there are good people everywhere. If you should love again, love the good in them. (*hug*)
Well, breakups suck. But if he was cheating on you, you are better off without him. You don't deserve that. Relax, because now you are free of somebody who was abusing your love and trust.
First of all, an extra (*hug*) and, like Greatwhale, I'll keep my fingers crossed for the tests. Without condoning, let alone approving... I guess that panic and the fear of losing what you have, are two of the strongest motivators in many people's lives. And from extensive personal experience that I'm not exactly proud of, I've found that lies build on themselves until you've made yourself a nice, deeply-buried, concrete bunker of lies, and the lies themselves start to feel like your only protection. Only when it starts toppling do you really start noticing just what a relief it is to cut through all the falsehoods (actually, the way you describe it, it kind of makes it sound like coming clean was somewhat of a relief for him). Too bad that the moment you come clean is the point where you discover just how much you hurt people, even without ever setting out to do so. So, for now, feel free to be angry, licking your wounds, cutting him out of your life... But remind yourself that keeping resentful forever is only allowing him power over your life afterwards. And that in the end, there's still trustworthy people out there that deserve a shot at being trusted. And, if it has a silver lining, it's this: you have apparently been walking around with doubts about this for a very long time. You've been seeing the signs even when you didn't act on them. This is a painful lesson, but in future friendships or relationships, you can use this experience to tackle issues earlier, and make better-informed judgements. If used right, this can make you better at knowing when to give your trust, and making that trust deeper. It's tough, but I have faith that in the end, you'll overcome it and will end up in a better relationship for it! (*hug*)
At some point, there's always that one incident. I know because I have been there. It's hard, I think, to give up something you've had for so long. It's almost become a part of you, and when you lost it, you felt as though you missed something. You felt violated not only because he was cheating on you, but also because he knew every part of you. You should feel angry, but as Filip said, he had wanted to come clean. Those lies that become pent up inside a person can hurt a lot, and he wanted to feel free again. I hope you will be okay and I wish you the best of luck. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)