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dad isnt taking it well. :(

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Stridenttube, Sep 12, 2013.

  1. Stridenttube

    Stridenttube Guest

    How do I calm my dad down? I gave him a letter telling him everything. My mom said he cried and nobody has ever seen him cry before. He thinks its his fault that I'm gay and he is very depressed now. He took the rest of the week off from work. :frowning2:

    I feel terrible that he doesn't want to talk to me. Any advice?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    The only thing you can do is let him grieve, he needs the time to think and mull over the implications.

    You also said that he had a crap day at work, it could all be mixed up with issues of self-esteem and self-image, reflected in his child. For some fathers, being "just like Dad" is an important value, and when you aren't, it's devastating. Nevertheless, he needs to know who you really are, he needs to educate himself about this (not right away, let him grieve). He still loves you, but he's bewildered with all kinds of wrong ideas at the moment.

    Eventually, he needs to understand that it's no one's "fault", it's not something either he or your mother did, it's who you are. Only you and your mother will really know how to communicate this to him. You need to insist on this very point, it is crucial that he understand.
     
  3. Stridenttube

    Stridenttube Guest


    I'm not sure it will ever get better with him.

    I feel like such a fuck up. :frowning2: I've never felt this bad.
     
  4. bingostring

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    You are not a fuck up. You did a courageous thing.

    Your dad seems to have the issues and I'm afraid I do not agree that you should feel bad or, more importantly, no reason why HE should feel bad.

    It will get better with him. He just needs time to come to terms with things which I think you will find will happen very soon !!

    best of luck.
     
  5. olides84

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    Please don't. You have done nothing wrong! You are coming out and saying that you are going to live your life with the hand you were dealt / as God made you / however you think about it. For him, he needs time. How long did it take you to understand yourself, to accept yourself, and now to come out?
     
  6. greatwhale

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    It's not about what you did that created this, please do not blame yourself!

    As Bingostring said above, you did a very courageous and, yes, necessary thing... it's what's in his head that is causing all the distress, it will take time for him to sort this out, you need to have faith right now that things will improve...give it time!
     
  7. My dad hinted at similar things when I told him about myself. He blamed it on himself and others, thought maybe something went wrong somewhere and that it's fixable. So I can relate to what you're saying.

    As the others have said... don't feel bad, you've done nothing wrong. Let him come to terms with the situation, let him grieve about it. It will get better in time.

    You're very brave! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Stridenttube

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    I don't want him to think I can change. I don't need to go through that. :frowning2:
     
  9. Chip

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    Ask your mom if she can get your dad to go to a PFLAG meeting together. I think the best thing in the world for him would be to be around peers... others like him who are coming to terms with their children being gay.

    And, as others have said... you did totally the right thing. It's not uncommon for fathers to blame themselves for their sons being gay. It's obviously not their fault in any way but that doesn't stop the self-blame. And of course it's not your fault, either for being who you are, or for telling him.

    He'll be OK, he just needs time to come to terms with it.
     
  10. soulodolo

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    hey man,

    don't be so hard on yourself. I went through the exact same thing when I told my dad. you just need to give it some time. I mean my dad is still not thrilled about it but he said I'm his son and if this is who I am than there's really nothing he can do about it and he still loves me. just make sure you talk to him about it as much as he wants to. it will speed up the process. ignoring it is only going to make it worse so make sure he understands that this is who you are and who you're always going to be. I remember feeling like crap the next few days. I didn't want to come home from work. I would sit in the driveway for 30 minutes before going inside because I couldn't look at him. I felt so bad about myself. i know it's not a good feeling but hang in there and don't give up. your family is the most important people that you're going to come out to so make sure they get it. I'm sure your mom will help smoothe things over with him. anyways good luck!
     
  11. malachite

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    Being gay isn't about him, it's about you. Give him time to adjust. It can be a shock, my Dad was kinda catatonic for about 45 minutes after I told him. There is no fault when it comes to sexuality, that would imply that he somehow made you gay, which is just crazy talk.
     
  12. blueberrymuffin

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    You are *not* a fuck up. Reading your letter again, especially since you mention depression, i think it will be very bad if you start internalizing his reaction. He's the one being unreasonable. You have to find your own path. If that means being with a guy, and your had doesn't approve, so be it. Maybe he will come around, but not from arguing.
     
  13. Anomander

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    You have allota of balls dude. I'm 23 and am scared to death to tell my parents... granted I am still early in my coming out process, I have only told my two closest friends over the last couple of months.. While I cannot give you any advice from experience as far as your dad, it would seem to me that if this was going to turn into one of those horror stories, such as being disowned ect, it would have happened already. With that said it seems to me that he most likely just needs time. You should be very proud of yourself. I think in the long run you will he happier for doing this. I know after telling my first two friends I really wish I would have come out in college. I keep imagining how much better college would have been. Perhaps the same can be said for this? You don't wanna be like me and be an adult before you even think about coming out to them...but then again what do I know about your situation?

    Ironic I am suggesting all this when I cant even do it myself ehh? Wish you the best of luck. Please update us. And your certainly not a fuck up. I mentally beat myself up to. Try not to dude, its not worth it.