This is long. There is really no TL;DR because the details are necessary. I have a friend that I have strong feelings for. I never really fell for someone this way, and I believe it happened because of how misleading he is; there is a constellation of potential red flags that have brought these intimate feelings out of me like never before. He claims he is heterosexual, but to many close friends with whom I discuss this, he seems to have some sort of attraction to me. We met at work. Early on, it was smiles and curiosity. I asked him once why he always smiled at me and his response was, "Your optimism gives me energy". Eventually we became closer and we would talk about games; he would casually invite me out somewhere or when I jokingly told him I could beat him in a sport, he asked my mother for my address to pick me up and challenge me. Now, this person is seen as a stormy, moody guy who is an utter jerk with no consideration, and I am seen as a beam or light at our work place, respectively. This friendship did not make sense, but the bonding continued as well as fights over absolutely stupid things. As an aside, he is not attractive physically, but he is very buff. One night I made a facetious statement and he said, "Hey, that's not cute anymore!" as well as, "Stop giving me those puppy dog eyes!" I told a coworkers and almost unanimously they thought it was strange; I thought it was a little strange, but I liked that sort of attention. The next event that struck me was when I told him that customers tell me I have a baby face, and he said, "You do, and I love it." Now, when I told people THIS, they jokingly said he was attracted to me. Time went on and he would say something like, "You're a really handsome guy." etc, but when I brought up the event of us hanging out, he declined with an expression akin to repulsion and said, "I.. don't really wanna hang out right now." It was strange. The first night we talked on Skype was amazing, and, according to my sister and her boyfriend, they thought he was totally attracted to me. He said things like, "I love your eyes.." and "I love you." and that if a guy ever hurt me he would "F*** him up so bad" before I could even finish the entire statement. But at the same time, he was projecting his feelings for a girl at my work. During that same conversation he told me he was interested in her, but still I was melting by the layers of affection he manifested that night-morning. That conversation lasted for several hours, and he shared a lot. Some of the things he shared were somewhat ominous.. he went onto say almost out of nowhere that "HE WAS NOT GAY" and that his father (who was dead and beloved) was homophobic. My sister and her boyfriend believed this was his way of almost rejecting feelings he may have had for me, by expressing this directly after uttering sweet nothings. The next night it was raining and I had no ride home from work. NOTE: I do not drive, and he picks me up from my house every time we hang out. He said, "Come on, I'm taking you home." This was a big deal, because it was the first time I would spend time with him outside of work. We ended up eating out and spending a great deal of time together and talking. That night, he softly touched my cheek when I was looking away. I looked back at him, almost shocked, and he had a warm smile on his face as he looked back at me. I giggled. We stopped somewhere and started talking about his tough childhood with his abusive mother, and how his father protected him. He was pouring emotion into it, or so I thought, when a guy simply parked next to us and was apparently looking at me. My friend glared at him intently and said, "If he looks at you again I'm going to f*** him up." I calmly said that it was okay, and he calmed down. It weirded me out, honestly, but I can't deny feeling attracted to his protectiveness. We hung out everyday that week because we had off the same days. It was a great week. One night we were driving somewhere, and he, almost in a passerby context, said, "Hey, wanna makeout? - Just kidding!" I didn't even have enough time to say anything, and it was really weird. Before that, he was discussing with me how much he loved sex and asked me excitedly if I wanted to do a three-way with him and the girl he liked. I politely declined... I didn't think he was entirely serious, but he may have been. Hanging out continued and we eventually slept together (literally.. not sexually..) in the same bed, but nothing happened (no cuddling or holding..) and he was never erect around me so I figured he did not have too much interest in me... (though I don't know if not being erect means you aren't attracted to someone). One night, we were both lying on our backs in bed. He was "asleep" and I affectionately grabbed his arm and placed it on my belly. Then I tried linking fingers with him. About a minute later he removed his arm and rolled over. The next day we were talking and in an utterly casual way he said, "What was that thing you did last night? With the fingers... that was creepy." I was aghast. It wasn't romantic as much as it was just affectionate. He always touched me, asked me to kiss his hand, begged me to scratch his head (to which he purred like a cat). He has asked to touch my skin, to which he uttered "So soft..". He has looked me in the eyes quietly and then said affectionately, "You're so beautiful... GOD I wish I looked like you!" (Slapping his face shamefully). He has said to me, "I could never yell at you... you're adorable!" with a warm smile. And yet my show for affection "creeped him out" in a display that was latent? He said "I know you come from an open-minded family but that's just not normal to do!" He was behaving strangely and hypocritically. I got upset and quiet. He continued talking to me like nothing happened. Later I said, "... Were you really that creeped out by m-" Interrupted by "LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT." I said, "Then let's not hangout." He said, "Okay." I removed him from my lists and then a week passed and I added him back, for I missed him greatly. He messaged me, and said, "Thanks for adding me back, wanna hang out?" We did, and that night was wretched. He starts talking like everything was fine, that the week apart actually felt REALLY GOOD and then I just angrily brought up his hypocrisy. He want BALLISTIC in his vitriol and repulse. He told me it was SO WEIRD what I did and that he was TRAUMATIZED to sleep in bed with any friends anymore. He asked people if I was gay, he was pretending to actually feel like he was offended by my action, when his initial reaction spelled nothing of trauma, or an aversion, or anything of the sort. I got so offended. I yelled at him, and told him furiously that he was a hypocrite. I listed everything he's done to me - putting his head in my lap, kissing my forehead, caressing my hand with his thumb, asking me to scratch his head - everything, and my little action was somehow insanely homoerotic. It made no sense. He knew it. He apologized and said he was a hypocrite. But there was still a change in our friendship. We hung out more and more but I felt depressed, despite everyone I knew telling me he was gay, bi, or something very strange and repressing his emotions hardcore, while I was just a victim who tried reciprocating his affection; In the midst, I became attracted to him for the safety I felt through his love and attention. Now it's strange. He rarely shows me that he is very interested in hanging out, however he is very busy with college. He always comments on attractive girls but he told me he would "put me first" if ever he got a girlfriend. At the same time, he said he doesn't like dating, and his only "sexual" relationship lasted for a month. He is not a considerate or nice person, and I enjoy him for the very few times he is incredibly soft, warm and affectionate. This person is a tough shell to crack, and although I used to think more confidently that he felt something strong for me, his neglect and indifference seems to yield a different paranoia in me. My attraction is unique in that it is actually painful. For one week I thought about him, and ONLY him. If I am with him for a long time, I get jealous and bummed out when he talks about marrying a woman or dating a friend who is a girl. He is very confusing, but he told me once in a conversation that his family would hate if he were gay. I know people will tell me to look for someone else, but I wasn't looking to begin with. In fact, the only reason I feel this strongly is because of the red flags that led me to this state of mind. This individual instigated almost everything, and he still tells me things like, "I cherish you more than a brother.." and so much other strange lingo which would be considered a red flag to anyone else. I cannot drop these feelings. I am not depressed right now, because we're on good terms, but I want to know if there is any chance his behavior might be a strange subconscious mating ritual. I do not express sexuality or romantic desire in my very asexual behavior. He has told me he would "NEVER KISS A GUY ON THE LIPS." when I jokingly said (in response to him saying he would not kiss Mark Walberg on the lips) "Oh but would you kiss me?" This is strange and I feel like he is not uber-attracted to girls, while at the same time he seems somewhat, if not quite (at times) attracted to me. Despite showing callousness and neglect, he will pick me and take me to wherever I want to go. It's all so confusing.. Please help.
I know in the beginning you said it was long and that's apparent. Hopefully someone will read this, but if you want to maximize the potential help you'll get, you really have to condense this down to something people are willing to read.
What you have to understand is that even if these feelings are truly homosexual in nature, you can't do anything about it. He isn't going to come out if he doesn't want to, and he isn't ready. If you were to force him out of the closet it would more than likely traumatize him. Truth is, we can't really know if he's gay or just affectionate. It's something that only he can know. You can speculate all you want about his sexuality, but at the end of the day he's only going to be comfortable with being what he wants to be. It's going to end badly for both of you if you try and force something that may or may not be there. I know this isn't the answer that you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry. But you're setting yourself up for a really painful road. It's hard to like someone who you probably aren't going to end up with, but it's a part of life. For the time being, you should treat him like he's straight. Be his friend and go through the grieving process of losing him as a potential lover. Just stop setting up this idea that some day he is going to come around and become the man that you want, because it might never happen. Instead, you should try to focus on being a really great friend. If he ends up being gay, you can take the next step. For now though, you have to just let nature run its course.
I had some similar experiences in the last six or seven years. In the beginning it's kind of though to come to terms with it, but later on I realized a person can be attracted to another person in a non-sexual way and that it's still is a wonderfull thing, beautiful and intimate friendships can emerge from such situations. If I come to think about it, as a gay guy I have been doing this unintentionally to a lot of girls in my life. Intimate relationship between guys do exists, even if society often loves to flag these as homosexual behavior. Just remember: society often turns to the lowest denominator - aka represents the opinion of the simpletons.
I scour forums like these and it seems people experience these types of situations in multiples; I have experienced this once, and it's not some straight crush that is hopeless, it's an attraction that was formed by the red flags that have led me here (and they are blazing red). I have never heard of someone being attracted in a non-sexual way, and it seems like over-thinking when this person is nurtured to be a homophobe explicitly, yet implicitly he treats me practically like a girlfriend. You say that you feel you've been treating girls like this, however it's different because there is no societal aversion towards a male, gay or straight, being affectionate to a girl. There is, however, a strong tide against males, gay or straight, showing the slightest bit of affection towards one another. He has told me within days of meeting me that he would take a bullet for me. We cry to each other. He has planned a future with me in it, LIVING with him and his wife. Still, there remain many strange elements to this friendship that I would like to have resolved. There are not many friendships "similar" to this, as there are not many individuals who are like either of us. My simple desire is not to regret never having known what he wants with me, while at the same time I will never tell him I have these feelings for him unless he makes a move.
I think he personally doesn't know what he wants from you, and maybe he is attracted to guys in a way and can't help but to express it to you since he can possible like you, but maybe his parents are affecting him since they're homophobic. I once had a friend that long ago told me he went both ways, and when I went to his Facebook just about last week he kept posting on his walls that he isn't gay and that he doesn't like guys and he likes the "cat." ..And I just knew he was just hiding it, because he admitted it to me looong ago. Well, you've pretty much tried all you can to make him confess. It's either he's just playing with your heart, or he's in denial. This is his dilemma and something he needs to figure out, I honestly wouldn't intend to do anything with him, but just remain a friend. You can't really do anything at this point and if he's just going to keep lying to himself then that's his problem, not yours. Thus, you should find someone else and keep the friendship with him. I would say take a break from him, but you work with him so there's no way to avoid that. Just play it cool around him, and assuming he knows that you like him, you should settle him down one day the next time he does something strange and bluntly tell him that you're starting to see it odd and that he's confusing you (because, well you've already gotten in a fight about the situation, right?) and that if you can just play it off as "normal" friends because you just don't feel as comfortable anymore. If he questions that, don't go into details and just tell him that you had to think things over and just stop it from there. I'm sure he's going to want to know more, but I can't really tell you much at this point..he's playing with your head and that's not cool. If you do ever happen to find someone else and he looks sort of jealous, well..that's his loss, right? :icon_bigg
