Detachment (i.e. rant rant, nothing to see here)

This is just a rant. I realize it's hard to give answers when a question is not asked. So I don't expect any. I realize most people don't like reading a feel-bad post. I wanted to post this as a blog entry at first, but decided to come here.


You know how they say that it feels like you are going to explode? I feel like I'm going to implode. Does that make any sense? I feel like I've been building up (down?) vacuum within myself, trying to hold up against the outer world so that it doesn't crush me. Now, that outbound border is almost unguarded. It feels like I am going to implode.

And what do you do when who you are, what you are as a sentient being, starts to slowly become less and less the image you project outwards? When there's a persona one, the shriveled, pathetic self; and persona two, that friend to friends, son to parents, employee to employer - the painting drawn on the outside, for anyone to interact with. A proxy, an emptying shell.

Do you find yourself live your life mechanically? There are things I do, things other people think I am. I work, do my job, hold meetings, deliver solutions. I get paid, I in turn pay my bills, buy food, clothes, pay for drinks with colleagues, friends, family. But it's all so mechanical. I find myself talking to people, sometimes having very deep conversations, but still being somewhere else entirely. My body is cruising on auto-pilot, my mind is dissolving. It's a good auto-pilot, though..
That's the whole thing, really. At any moment, I'm just a thought away from the deepest loneliness. I don't interact with people. That's the auto-pilot. I am somewhere deep inside, lonely.

So you read a book. And you cry over sad parts. Literally. And you hardly notice the good bits. Or you see a good-looking guy; once, this would have made you feel good, it would get you an adrenaline rush, it would be nice; now, it just rips your heart out again, no pause, no waiting for disappointment anymore, now it's just glance-rip-hurt-hurt-hurt. Or you decide to buy something for yourself, something that would once have made you happy. And then it sits on a shelf, laughing at you, mocking the hope it held. No positives.

Parents ask if you are ok. Define ok.. whatever, yeah, of course I'm ok, just tired, overworked.
Colleagues ask how the project is going, you look tired, your eyes are all red. Yeah, no, project is going ok, I'm just tired, went drinking last night, I'm exhausted, but it was great, lol, got so waisted, haha.
Friends go...... well, you get the gist.
And I. Am just hurt. Can't talk to anyone, of course.. it's a little overwhelming for most people. Well, all people really. It's easier to talk about weather. I agree, actually.. that part is on the auto-pilot anyway.
It's..
.. mh, the rant has been long enough anyway. Now this looks like just a pathetic call for help. Which I don't believe it is.

 

Thank you, guys. I appreciate your willingness to help. I did just want to let a cry out though, just to be heard, nothing else.

I can talk about anything, but the thing is there is no one problem, no fix to apply. Joey, my job is great. It challenges me intellectually, it offers an opportunity to work on what I like. My colleagues are the best bunch of people I've ever met. And it's a relatively new job, so no, it's not stale. But life is, there you are right.

I talk to people, but they don't know me. Nobody knows me.. the thing is, as I said in the previous post, that who I am and what I project to the outside are two conceptually different human beings. I know my colleagues see me as a witty, quick, smart and fun guy. I know, because otherwise they wouldn't seek my company, open themselves up to me, like me. Well, me. People respect that guy.. in some cases even look up to him or expect advice.
But that's all not me. I'm playing a role in this life, succeeding to earn for myself, succeeding to get people to like me.. it's just so easy. The auto-pilot. But now I don't get the feeling of actually being involved anymore. It so often feels as if I'm on an expedition, looking through my eyes, not being a part of my life.
And I'm just in there somewhere, alone and half-dead inside.

All I do I do only because it's expected of me. Need to do a project at work? Ok, when is it due? Going for a drink after work? Sure, why not. Need to babysit friend's kids for a while? Of course. Someone needs a shoulder to cry on? Let me help.
And when that whatever is over, it only takes a step away, just to know that I'm on my way.. to start withering away again, if ever I was up at all. And then I'm lonely but also alone and it's all the same again. Back home, eat, wash up, sleep.

So there, penguin, Todd.. I don't have a problem to pinpoint.. I don't know. Nothing's happened. It's just that after a few years this has become so overwhelming that any normal emotion just kills me. There is no moment, no situation in which I can't sink into the darkest abyss in a second. And that's not me.. it shouldn't be me because it didn't use to be me. I was once a light-hearted, happy guy. Well.. happier. Looking at some people, I don't know if I ever was really happy. So tired.

 

I think we are phoney in public because it's a defense mechanism, a learned behaviour. I've always been a very honest person. Honesty, however, can lead into a world of pain, so after some time you learn to be.. well, not disingenuous, but you hold back the whole truth. That, however, hurts me enormously; I'm not that kind of person.

I have to be, though. When I came out to my parents, my mother let out this wail of pain that cut right through me. Even worse, my father remained silent; I could see part of him die there on the spot. These are people I was always absolutely honest with.. now, when they ask how I am, I must.. lie. I must have that shell around me, for their sake. When I came out to my best friend (if that term means anything in adulthood) he quickly came to a conclusion that it's something I have to work out with myself; later, he made it more clear by saying that it's his parental duty to raise his kids so that they know being gay is not ok.. and I love those kids. So now I have to put up that shell of normality when with them.. and my friend, well, the only time he asked me how I was in the last two years is when I lent him some money so he felt in debt. And so when I go there I choose days when I'm not as much down; lately, I've been visiting only maybe monthly. I used to go see a therapist, but finally on one visit, when I brought my crush as well (who's straight, so I was looking for a way to be able to deal with that kind of soul-grinding feelings) I realized in a moment of sudden dread and momentary despair that there is nothing she can do to help. I started laughing uncontrollably, couldn't stop. I probably had an emotional breakdown of sorts then. She never called after that (she would call normally to tell me when she was free). Probably best that she didn't. That was a year and a half ago. I have a few people I can confide in, but this state I'm in has now lasted for years. No matter how good and loving they are, I can't tell the truth every time: that I feel horrible and that the pain never goes away. I can't, because it gets too much with years. So I "save" these people for when I can't take it anymore, to use some of their love to keep me sane. There are just a precious few of them, though, so I'm just alone.

I can't talk to people. I mean, I can and I've tried from time to time, but the advice is always the same: "snap out of it". I can't do it; it just doesn't work. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, maybe it's all me (I mean, obviously it's me), but whatever I do, I just end up deeper in.. well..
So I build up this character around me who people can at least talk to. Inside I'm getting worse and worse, but from the outside, it seems as if everything's ok. Or at least I think it does... In any case, the me inside is in a bad shape.

blueberrymuffin, of course it's depression, that part is clear. I do have some medicine that I take when it gets to shaking and also some mild ones that I take when I just need to relax enough to be ok with people. Other than that, I don't know what a doctor could do.


Thank you, all, once again.

 

Hi again. I've seen your posts two days ago, but honestly I didn't have the energy to respond. The previous three messages I've written in this thread have basically took all I'd had. It's hard to try to find the right words and to manage to let at least some of my emotions get transferred into words. It's really at the limits of my capabilities.

Well, what can I tell.. Todd, I hope it doesn't sound too evasive or defeatist when I say that I can't really give any counter-argument to what you wrote. I mean, no, it's not a debate, but.. you are right and I'm still doing the wrong thing. I know it seems stupid and it's annoying when I say "I can't" and you say "yes you can" and I go on with "I can't". It does sound pathetic and it is a sign of giving up.
So let me just try to answer a few points there.. First, I'm not ashamed of being gay. I'm not out and I'm ashamed of that, but not of the fact that I am gay. If anything, I'm relieved by it and enjoy the feeling of understanding myself, finally. I'm not out because of my parents. It sounds as if I'm using them as an excuse, but I'm not. Two years ago (a little less) when I came out to them, I was afraid they would somehow learn it from someone else. I didn't want that. Telling them was my last step before letting it be public (if the public were interested). Only because of their reaction did I shut that closet back closed. My parents' reaction hurts me deeply, because I can see how much they love me still and how much they are hurt by me being gay. I'm perfectly aware that it's who I am, that gay is a part of what I am and that if I weren't gay I wouldn't be me. But the fact still hurts them so much and in turn that hurts me. To go public would mean taking them to the point I shudder even to think of. Of course it's the wrong way to think of this and of course that will lead me nowhere.... btw, I'm sorry my thoughts are so random and that it seems I'm covering the gaping holes in my logic as if I want to dismantle any future argument; I'm pretty much thinking aloud as well as answering you.... I'm torn between these two goals: to present myself as what I'm not and to be what I am. And so, both personas exist in me. They've grown so far apart that I now resent the gap (because it feels ultimately dishonest) and I suffer because of it (because my real self is buried somewhere down there, away from everyone, alone).
And the friend.. well, it's too easy to burn bridges. I know he's not the best. I know him saying that he feels uncomfortable with me around his kids is horrible. But I still love those kids. Cutting them all out of my life.. I don't know if it could be called an improvement.

I do put myself after others. It's not just in this but in everything. I've always done it, that's who I am. I don't mind that. If I get in return a tenth of what I give, it's still a lot and I like being there for people. In some cases that makes them take me for granted, but it seldom bothers me. All in all, I like it this way. I mean, why wouldn't I go out of my way to be there for someone?

Oh yeah, and about therapy. Croatia is not the best place to be gay, but it's far from worst. Honestly, it's not bad here. I mean, if you are openly gay you could hear sneers or voiced protests or something like that, but you would not be (I believe) in physical danger. Sure, that's not enough, but it's relatively safe. So there are some therapists, but not many. The one I used to go to is thought to be one of the best; she specializes in LGBTQ therapy. I don't think she was bad with me; I think I was expecting too much and when I saw it wasn't going to provide any real answers, I snapped. I pretty much lost my faith in therapy, not just the therapist.

So, sure, that's all fine, but then... why do I feel like this? I guess you are right; I'm approaching it all so wrong. But I have conflicting goals and I'm not ready to give up on any, because they are all so important.. It's just that now I'm so detached from reality.
Hell... that last sentence doesn't even make sense. I think I've come to the verge of that capability to transcribe emotions into words.


Passing regret, thank you for your kind words. You are right, hope is what keeps us going. Well, to an extent. The question is whether hope deserves the faith we have in it. And also, I question if it will be too late when/if it delivers change. I'm already so scarred by the last two years that I don't know how to cope.

Thank you, guys. I know I'm being difficult, so thank you for still writing back.

 

Aw, thank you (*hug*) You said so many nice things
Nihilism is... well, it can be liberating. When you try to tie so many loose ends, bring into peace so many conflicting issues, it gets overwhelming. And hope rarely delivers.

I need to say one thing, though. I realize it could be read that way, but I didn't mean it; there is no danger of me doing anything (physically) self-harming. I'm really not the person to burn bridges and suicide seems like burning the bridge and nuking both banks as well.

What I meant was that I've been so much changed by depression and pain of the last couple of years that I barely recognize myself. On the other hand, from the outside, people barely notice. So, when I said that it might be too late, I meant too late for me to be me, not me to be. Which is actually, in a way, even more frightening.

Thank you once more.

 

Hi guys. I've been sort of an ungrateful git, taking my time before posting again. A surprising amount of what you said hit incredibly close to home; and when I say "surprising", I mean astonishing, because, thinking about what I said about my real self being somewhere inside, this thread feels like the first time in a long time that someone has spoken to the real me and I to them. I'm a too-emotional-for-my-own-good kind of guy, so that fact alone took some time to digest.
Just know that I'm more grateful than I can put in words, for all you've said.

Greatwhale, thank you for that comment
The problem with therapy, as I see it, is that it basically makes you think about your problems and then relies on a miracle of self-realization to actually provide help. That's only when it aims to resolve problems at all. In most cases, it's even worse; it provides nothing but a vent, nothing but an opportunity to voice your problems so that you get a temporary relief. Now, I'm not saying these have no value, but that's not what I need. I am aware of my problems and I need a resolution; or, at least, a sense that a resolution exists. Therapy doesn't give me that; it's fundamentally incapable of giving answers, because it's not meant to. Granted, I may have not had the best experiences with it, but still, it seems rather futile. Also, that last time when I was there it was just a horrible trauma.

Todd, I'm loving your approach. You are saying the exact right things; you are right that they are not always what I want to hear (in the sense that I'd like the truth to be different, not that I don't want to hear the truth), but your comments accurately follow my thought and questions.. so weird and great.
I'm not giving up, that was a clumsy statement to make. I traveled around Europe a bit, mostly for work, but also privately; I've been to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Vienna and plenty of other cities. In most of these I went to gay bars just to drink in the atmosphere, just to feel like I belong. It was great, every time. In Amsterdam, I spoke to the barman (it was a slow evening) and it was so fun talking openly with a stranger. In Paris, I spoke to a guy who lives there and it was fun (although somehow the conversation sidetracked to philosophy and military history; weird but fun).. so, I did get a glimpse of what a normal life can look like.
This doesn't exist in Croatia. There are, as far as I know, only a couple of gay-friendly bar/club sort of venues in Zagreb. However, they are anything but exclusive and I know plenty of straight people (mostly girls though) who go there because it sounds cool to go out to a gay place. So being there brings nothing in terms of immersion. And anyway, while I have fun out when I go with friends/colleagues, in terms of meeting new people that doesn't work and in the end I just feel even more down. I like getting to know people, so any situation in which there will be a lot of talking is what I enjoy and feel comfortable in the most.
For some reason, I don't enjoy talking to gay people in Croatia. They seem to be either very insecure (talk about hypocrisy) or aggressively forthcoming or substance-abusing (which, I guess, is also insecurity). But I really haven't talked to many, just a few really. Hm... I'll have to think about this actually; it seems there is some exposure anxiety I feel about it. Can't really put my finger on it.

Passing regret, I know some of my sentences had "suicide" all over them, so no worries. Still, I'm far from it. I think there are two types of people when it comes to dealing with insurmountable problems: those who will end it all and those who will slowly wither away. I'm definitely the latter. But, I do believe this is not an insurmountable problem. I'm fundamentally an optimist and a problem solver. But it does get overwhelming from time to time.. when you are struggling anyway, small disturbances can get you choking.
I'm glad you are feeling better yourself

Etiggy, you really decided to rip the bandaid, right? I can only say: congratulations, that's some courage (whatever you say, even if it's the only thing left to you, the leap still has to be executed).

I plan to do a similar thing.. Next spring/summer, I should be living in Paris; or at least that's my hope. I can't take it here anymore, so I have to go. Paris is beautiful and I felt so at ease when I was there, more than anywhere else. I speak (to an extent) some other languages, but not French, so that will be quite a move; I'm only just starting learning it. But there is hope in that, I think. I need to change something.


I felt really, really down, guys, crushingly alone and deserted... you managed to show me it's not so and for that I'm moved beyond words. Thank you so much (&&&)