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Asexual Relationships

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Fate, Sep 24, 2013.

  1. Fate

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I guess I want to know:
    If your ace, how did you know you were?
    Have you ever been in a relationship with an ace?
    If so, how did it work out?


    I have no idea what I am doing and could use some insight....

    I am questioning and right now I guess I would call myself panromantic.
    This month I started going out with "E" and things have been confusing.
    This is all new to me because not only is this my first homosexual relationship, but E is non-binary and poly.
    On top of that I am their first ace relationship so it's new to them too.

    We both like each other, but things are complicated sometimes because its hard for me to explain my feelings. They're huge on cuddling and kissing, and they do enjoy sex. They have recently mentioned that they "feel bad because i'm iffy about kissing and they want more" and apologized to me because they "feel like their desiring me in a way that they shouldn't be..."

    So like, im having a hard time figuring out my feels.
    I like cuddling and doing really cute and sweet things for them...
    Sometimes kissing is okay and other times I pull away, maybe because I get scared, but of what?
    And I have thought, what if one night it goes further then kissing, how would I feel?

    I am not interested in sex.
    Everyone makes this huge deal about it and idk why but I don't have a drive for it and to be honest the thought just kinda turns me away.

    Your friend,
    -Fate :sunglasses:
     
    #1 Fate, Sep 24, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2013
  2. SimplyJay

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    Not out at all
    I've never been in a relationship of any sort...but i do truly feel I'd be happy in, I guess what could be called an asexual relationship - someone to just love/cuddle/kiss/be close with - or basically 'boyfriend without the sex'
     
  3. ilovebears

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    My boyfriend and I were asexual. However, our mutual emotional connection activated the sexual part of us... although, I think, we both have low sex drives. We definitely prefer the cute stuff over sex.

    I was not open toward sex until I met him. However, I'm not saying that applies to you at all.

    I figured out I was ace after a girl requested to "fool around" with me. It was obvious after that. (however, it turned out that I was just gay)
     
  4. Honor

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    I for one am not asexual, i am bisexual. I was in a relationship with an asexual though...I knew that i was bisexual and that i couldnt help but be attracted to her..i knew that on the flip side that she was asexual and that she wasnt into the same stuff i was-physically. All my close friends told me it wouldnt work with her, but i was too head over heels i wanted to try it anyway..

    Well long story short..she felt guilty and i felt like i was too affection to her..like that i was too pushy..over all i felt unattractive and she felt like she was undeserving..in my opinion we were a better couple over the phone than in person..little things like holding hands she would do. I am passionate and sometimes a kiss says more than words. We didn't last but 5 months..longer than what alot of people thought.

    Now with my saying all that, every relationship is different, every person feels different things and expresses them differently.

    If it ever gets to a point of going pass your comfort zone..say something. Don't go further unless you want to. If you are with someone they should be ok with your decision, if they are not understanding maybe they aren't the one for you it just depends.
     
  5. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    I identify as grey-a/demisexual, while my girlfriend identifies as pansexual. Our relationship is primarily emotional, and the emotional connection between us eventually led to us partaking in sex. Though, the emotional aspect of our relationships far trumps our sexual relationship.

    I mainly participate and willingly engage in sex with her for her own needs (and sometimes my own desires, albeit rare). So while my girlfriend and I may have differing sexual orientations, our attitudes towards sex are similar and we still managed to compromise and engage in the activity. To us, sex is not the ultimate or necessary expression of romantic love. As other expressions of love go, for us, physical intimacy is just as important (such as kissing, cuddling, spooning, ect).

    Now, while sex is important to my partner, and this still remains somewhat incomprehensible to me, we both feel it's not the most essential component of our relationship. We've managed to find a way where my partner gets what she wants, while I still have my limits and we both respect each other's boundaries. While I found the prospect of sex to scare me and make me feel uncomfortable, and never assumed I would ever engage in it, I've learned to trust my partner and communicate with her, making the activity enjoyable for the both of us. I've expressed my asexuality, as well as my limits and how I want my limits to be respected, and she understands that completely. Now, I've found myself comfortable with the activity even though I know I'll never be sexual nor will sex ever be a priority to me.

    Communication with your partner is going to be key to figuring how to make your relationship work. If you're uncomfortable, express that to them and have them aware of your feelings on the matter and perhaps you both can come to terms and negotiate with the sexual aspects of your relationship. Even after discussing, sometimes people just aren't compatible and perhaps neither of you can compromise or come to some sort of agreement, but it's best to let them know what's going on and how you feel.
     
  6. newfish

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    I'm asexual, although I suppose I could be demisexual as I have yet to be in a relationship, considering I'm still in the closet. Anyway, I just knew because it all seemed sort of gross. Not that I view those that have sex gross or I judge them, it's just something I'm not interested in.

    On the other, hand, I don't think I'd have any problem with kissing or cuddling. That's something I'd want in a relationship.
     
  7. blond

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    I was wondering about this too.
    I know i'm gay but i'm just not really a sexual person.
    but like the above poster said things like kissing, cuddling, and stuff i want.
     
  8. C P

    C P
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    I'd consider myself asexual alongside gay because I'm definitely attracted to guys yet sex talk of any kind annoys me more than it interests me. Whether it's straight people or other gays, whenever I hear someone start talking about what they'd do to so-and-so, etc., I enter 'please shoot me' mode and may even zone out.

    Like you, cuddling and a couple of other things are kind of cute and interesting, even kissing is alright to a degree (although looks cuter in pics, imo), but anything further just seems really...eh, to put it nicely.

    My feeling could be partly because I'm still a virgin(dated a couple girls before realizing my sexuality, but they never went that far) but there's next to no interest anyways. Even when I do get to talk with guys I seem interested in, as soon as sex arrives in the conversation in any form, I either change the subject or sit there with an 'ohhh my gawwwd, not this again' feeling.

    With that in mind though, like newfîsh, I'm still closeted and haven't tried dating a guy yet(although I'd like to), except I still have some other issues to attend to first. It may just take the right, eventual guy to unlock my interest...

    The little interest I did have I basically had forced on myself when a lot of stuff on my mind was still at conflict when I really gave thought to my sexuality. Before and after(to this day), near non existent.
     
    #8 C P, Sep 30, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2013