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Is my boyfriend gay??

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by April2012, Sep 25, 2013.

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  1. April2012

    April2012
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    Hi ive been with my bf for a year and half, just before we split in dec last year I had noticed he had been searching the web for shemales, I asked him about it he said it wasnt him & they must of been adverts popping up. Anyway we split it dec because he was cheating on me with his ex who he has a kid with.. I took him back early this year things have been going ok but recently I saw his web history again and this time he had been using a site called cottaging for gay men to meetup Or share pictures. I again asked hhim why this was on the web history he said he didnt know. He now deletes his web history, he has never been eager in bed and I always have to initiate sex with him. When I try to talk to him.about it he gets physically and verbally abusive towards me. His ex left him.for another woman last year which was a shock for him as they had been together 8years. Everytime I ask.if he is curious if he has doubts etc he says hes wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he hates gays bcause his ex is one, I dont know what to do or how to approach him with this anymore
    . Can someone please help me with this
    ..
     
    #1 April2012, Sep 25, 2013
  2. Colours

    Colours
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    Um well it's hard to say but... the fact that he deletes his web history now that you brought it up, does show that he has something to hide. If he really didn't know of this he wouldn't have felt the need to delete his history I suppose?

    The fact that he gets abusive when you bring it up also shows it's on his mind and has been bothering him...

    When you bring it up, how do you word it? Of course you can't get him out of the closet; it doesn't work that way with most people. If he feels it's time he'll tell you. If not you have two choices: wait it out/let it slide and endure all the stress it causes (hoping he's not gay, of course - and I'm not saying he is), or leave him.

    Hope it works out for you.
     
    #2 Colours, Sep 25, 2013
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!



    This is all I really need to hear. Whether your boyfriend is straight, gay, or bisexual, he's most certainly an asshole. Lay it down for him - either he gets into therapy, or he gets into a relationship with somebody beside you.

    Lex
     
    #3 Lexington, Sep 25, 2013
  4. greatwhale

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    First of all, that he is physically and verbally abusive toward you (for whatever reason) should be a signal to you to seriously consider getting out of this relationship. Period.

    I hate to say this, but the signs are there, your intuition is pointing you in the right direction. His reluctance to initiate sex is a strong indicator of something going on...
     
    #4 greatwhale, Sep 25, 2013
  5. April2012

    April2012
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    When I come accross these things ive never stressed about it this time I said its ok to be curious or whatever, he swears blind hes attracted to me he wants to settle down marriage and kids with me and that hes not attracted to anyone but me..he has even said i can put parental controls on the web to reasure myself that hes not doing anything.
    I am friends with his brothers gf ive not told anyone about what ive found but she did mention to me that her bf does not initiate sex either so I thought it just ran in the family.
    I do love this guy very much and he had a lot of anger issues last year and I stood by him and helped him through it because at the time his ex had left him for another woman and took.his daughter away from him. This past few months have been great ive trusted him he offered to move in open a joint acccount and we even decorated my spare room for his daughter so she could stay over with us.. this is the reason i havent left him as ive been through so much this last year and half with him that i gave up now over a gut feeling it will all of been for nothing. I guess all id like to know if anyone thinks i am over reacting thinking he is gay, even though there has been pics & hiding history etc.. and how do u think is the best way to approach him with this so he doesnt get violent again?
     
    #5 April2012, Sep 26, 2013
  6. Joey4

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    Why are you going through his browser history?
     
    #6 Joey4, Sep 26, 2013
  7. April2012

    April2012
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    We share phones and one day I went on his phone, while he was sat next to me, as I wanted to show him a present I had seen fpr his daughter for her bday.. as soon as I went on the web on his phone he panicked and started getting aggresive, I was puzzled as he had not reacted like that before.. so I checked it while he was still sat next to me.. so I wasnt sneaky about it if thats what ur thinking anything helpful u could suggest please ?
     
    #7 April2012, Sep 26, 2013
  8. Joey4

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    It sounds like he's struggling with his sexuality and he's not ready for others to know about what's going on inside his head. I've been confronted two or three times about my sexuality and it's always the worst experience.

    What we all know is that if we fess up and tell one person, then that person will tell someone else until everybody tells everybody. Being out means potential loss of friends and family. It means that the world perceives you differently. It's daunting.

    What YOU need to do is find out what you want from this relationship and be patient with him until he's comfortable. Understand that if he's bisexual, it may make your relationship difficult until he explores that world. If he's gay, your relationship won't work at all.
     
    #8 Joey4, Sep 26, 2013
  9. Chip

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    OK. It's clear he's struggling with his sexuality.

    But Lex made the most important point here: He's abusive. That is a dealbreaker right there.

    So you've got someone who's probably gay AND is physically and emotionally abusive to you. No offense but what in the hell are you doing? Get out of this relationship now.

    It's also pretty clear that you've got some pretty serious self-worth issues, otherwise you'd have no interest in someone who is abusive. I strongly suggest that you do some self-worth on your self-esteem and shame issues, because it seems pretty clear that you're sticking with him because somehow you don't feel that you deserve someone who is healthier.

    I suggest taking about 40 minutes and watching Brené Brown's TED talks on Youtube called "The Power of Vulnerability" and "The Price of Invulnerability". I also suggest you consider going into therapy. You may not see this as a serious issue for you but you will be much, much happier if you make the effort for yourself.
     
    #9 Chip, Sep 26, 2013
  10. April2012

    April2012
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    Thankyou guys I know what your saying, and your right.. I cant wait another 6-12months for our relationship to end again, I want a family of my own and even though I love him with all my heart I cant keep waiting to be happy.. thankyou for your help everyone I really appreciate it.. so what your all saying is it looks as though hes either bi or gay?
     
    #10 April2012, Sep 27, 2013
  11. Chip

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    Nobody can tell for sure. But why does it matter?

    He's abusive to you. You deserve better. Get the hell out of that relationship now. That's all that really matters.
     
    #11 Chip, Sep 27, 2013
  12. April2012

    April2012
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    I understand what your saying I before I met him I wouldnt of taken abuse off anyone, he had a lot of anger issues due to the mother of his child leaving him for another woman and then he wasnt allowed to see his daughter for a while.. ive helped him through last year and things have been going well this year there was no abuse physically or verbally its just this past few weeks hes been distant and he was a abusive when I ask him about cottaging site he went on..hes not a bad person and I do love him, but I cant help him with this I dont think, I just wanted some advice on how to approach him with this in the right way and if I should walk away or stand by him.. I cant speak to anyone I know about it just feel so confused and upset :-(
     
    #12 April2012, Sep 27, 2013
  13. penguin machine

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    Just consider that when he was weak, there was physical abuse. Those are the depths he sinks to when confronted on his behaviour. You don't need to think about anything else. Ultimately, that's a big enough issue. What he does in his private time pales in comparison to what he does when you're standing right in front of him.
     
    #13 penguin machine, Sep 27, 2013
  14. April2012

    April2012
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    Your right, I know there is no excuse for him to be abusive, I do still love and care about him deeply and i am prepared to help him through his anger issues if I know I have a future with him at the end of it. Does it looks as though he is gay/bi? How should I approach the subject with him?
     
    #14 April2012, Sep 27, 2013
  15. Lexington

    Lexington
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    This is shaping up to be a bloodstains-on-the-carpet routine. No matter how many times you ask how to get the massive bloodstains out of your carpet, our answer will be the same - the bloodstained carpet isn't really the problem.

    If his response to anything gay-related is physical and emotional abuse, then you don"t bring it up at all now. You tell him to get help for his abusiveness first, and then you'll talk.

    Lex
     
    #15 Lexington, Sep 27, 2013
  16. Chip

    Chip
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    I agree with Lex. It sounds like you're basically murmuring soothing "Yes, I understand and accept all of your advice" sounds.... and then completely ignoring what we're saying here.

    Anyone who is abusive at any time is not someone you want to be with. And if the guy gets abusive when you try to address a very core issue in your relationship... as Lex said, don't worry about addressing the core issue. Get yourself out of there. If he's gay or bi then... there isn't going to be any future with you so there's no use standing by him. And it doesn't sound like he's got any particular interest in talking to you about any of it anyway.

    What part of you deserve a better person than the one you've attached yourself to do you not get?
     
    #16 Chip, Sep 27, 2013
  17. April2012

    April2012
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    I will take your advice on board, I just feel if I dont help deal with his anger issues he will only do it to the next person, I posted in here for advice on the gay/bi siuation im having..after everyones advive I have told him he needs help with his anger and he has agreed to get some help we are seeing someone monday :slight_smile: my worry is im helping him for just to get hurt again by him eventually coming out as bi or gay, from the things hes been looking at the way he acts would u say he is in denile? I do appreciate everything you are all saying and I am taking everything on board I really am.
     
    #17 April2012, Sep 28, 2013
  18. justwondering

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    He gay. He abusive. End the relationship and run and hide
     
    #18 justwondering, Sep 28, 2013
  19. Lexington

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    So he's going to be hitting somebody, so it may as well be you so somebody else doesn't get it? That's awfully noble of you, but ideally, NOBODY gets hurt. That's what the therapy is for.

    This isn't a drive-thru thing. It's going to take time. He does appear to have bisexual tendencies, but he's got so much going on it's tough to separate out what's going on.

    Lex
     
    #19 Lexington, Sep 28, 2013
  20. April2012

    April2012
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    Thankyou for your help and advice, you have helped so much thankyou x
     
    #20 April2012, Sep 29, 2013
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