hello everyone; this is my first topic here. it is kinda a long one, sorry. i could use some advice. my issue is that i am attracting the wrong type. i consider myself a bottom, and i enjoy it, but i almost only attract other bottoms. i am hairy and athletic, i guess people consider me very masc, since they get surprised whenever i say i am gay. once a coworker asked about how many girls i "do" in a week, and i said "0"; he was kinda shocked, since he thinks girls all over me, then i explained why. now that guy assumed that i am the butch, aka the fu*ker, in bed, and that assumption kinda saddened me; i hate stereotypes. i've always considered myself an avg guy, and i have no clue why people consider me ultra masc, and it really bothers me. i haven't had sex in a very long time, prob more than a year. and this is driving me crazy. i do get hit on by some tops, but they are really out of shape. since i am very hairy, i tried to be with the "bears", but honestly i couldn't blend in. i have a very healthy life style, and i do count my calories, while in every gay bear event there is a huge amount of junk food i can't tolerate, i don't have anything common with the bears, other than i am hairy and love hair. so does that mean i have no place in the gay community? even a more stupid question, how to look and act like a bottom? i can't believe i am asking this p.s. i have a middle eastern heritage.
Unfortunately people often gauge guesses based on appearances. If you come off as masc and especially if you look masc, then they'll assume you're a top (as long as they know you're gay). Sure there are some people who don't guess, but if someone's going to come and hit on you, then they want some. If they're a total top and want a bottom, I'm willing to bet they'd hit on the guy who looks like a bottom instead of the guy who looks like a top. A lot of people get bottom vibes from personality, however there are quite a few things you can do to come off as a bottom. First off, as long as you're comfortable with it, shaving your body hair will help. Also, I'm not sure where you're meeting these guys, but if they're at clubs and they try to dance with you, you can do things like turn it into a grind with him behind, if he doesn't get the hint then he's blind. Other small things you can do can involve shaving facial hair as well, the more "boyish" look is considered more feminine, which people associate with bottoms. Also, you can wear brighter clothes. All those things will help, but as I said a lot of vibes are given out by personality and body language.
thank you so much. the thing is, shaving is impossible. i have too much hair and it is all connected, i even have a hairy back. i am in America to study, and got here 2 years ago. before that, i had no problem at all, since the region i come from, middle east, adores body hair and masculine features on both bottoms and tops. i've also been to germany, greece and spain, and had no problem there at all. i've grown up as a tough kid, and i've always had a trimmed beard, since this facial hair was considered a huge plus. i like my body hair and my facial hair. i am also attracted to these features on a guy. until i got to America i had no problem whatsoever. this makes me confused, since gays are supposed to attract to masc features, or at least what i used to believe
All that is true... but it's also worth pointing out that you shouldn't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you like your body hair just the way it is and would rather not get rid of it, for instance, don't feel the need to accommodate others just for that. It's much better to be yourself and to be happy with it all. With that said, Zaio's tips generally would work, I'd think, in changing others' perceptions of you. Also, depending on where you meet people, it might be easier to find others who'd be more open to someone stereotypically not outwardly feminine who's a bottom... if casual sex is a potential goal. Part of it depends on what you're looking for at the moment, which could be multiple things. Online dating or hookups could feasibly be an option, but again, it depends on what you're looking for.
As I said, and as Luthan said - if you're not comfortable shaving your body hair then please don't. I was merely adding suggestions as to what would make you come off as more feminine =/= bottom. I personally (as a top) love facial stubble as well, but having none would make you more identifiable as a bottom. The thing is, gay people are usually attracted to masc guys (I personally don't really care, I'm not attracted to both super masculine and both super feminine guys, I'm attracted to those in between). However, if you're after casual sex (not a relationship), then chances are they aren't going to care whether you're masc or fem, they just want to fuck and leave. This is why small feminine features would be more helpful to identify you as a bottom, it'll start shifting the ratios and attracting more tops who (again) want to fuck and leave. Also, adding on to what Luthan said - if you do his suggestion and go on hookup sites, it will of course be very easy to find a top, but be careful. If you hookup with someone from there it's highly likely he's done it a bunch of times before, so make sure you use protection, they could be carrying any number of things.
hello and thanks. i am very comfortable with everything i have; as i said, i like masculinity, as well as looking masc. i don't think i would change myself for anyone, but if i don't change that means "no fun" i am only looking to hook up, just got out of a relationship and not ready yet. also my friend is with and almost everyday he gets a new guy; he handsome middle eastern guy who happens to be way smoother than me; though i feel happy for him, i feel sorry for myself. i can't believe i have a greater chance in meeting guys in a homophobic middle eastern country, than i could in America, a very gay welcoming country compared to where i am from
Body hair is extremely masculine and tons of guys are into it. But there are also tons of guys into feminine guys as well. (I hear that some guys want to be "the man" in the relationship, which is understandable)
Ack, I'm sorry. I missed that part when I read your response. My apologies. Yes, also, using protection is always a great, smart, and sensible idea.
you are fine man; i started my gay life since i was 18. i had body and facial hair since i was 13. now i am 28 and during the past 10 years, i've seen that to attract a man you should act like a man. if you check middle eastern guys profiles, back in middle east countries, they are mostly not into fem guys. i am almost 30, and cant change what i am now. i like to look as masc as possible, because this is who i am and this is what i am grown to adore accept. i am having a very difficult time on these sites; i am almost ignored by whom i like. my female friend still thinks i am lying to her when i say i am gay. she says that i am more masc than american guys; now that is offensive, and sad ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2013 at 04:11 PM ---------- thanks for the advice man; i've already tired a bunch of them. i get msgs from guys who seem very desperate, old and out of shape, while the guys i desire would not even respond. also, i eat extremely healthy and work out, i can't eat a bit of what "bears" would enjoy; i just can't blend in. here guys who consider themselves bears, are considered way too chubby back home. i do like my bed partner to have at least minmum what i am looking for. i sometimes want just to hide away, for feeling very ugly, which i know i am not, or am i?
Haha don't worry no need to apologise you didn't say anything rude (*hug*) Thanks :lol: You'll attract those that are attracted to very masculine men yes, but the thing is a lot of very masculine men don't get attention, simply because everyone assumes they're straight. There are a few other issues that arise with seemingly very masculine men as well. As for your country, yes, unfortunately for people who move countries that is something that takes getting used to, most countries differ in what they find attractive. If you like to look as masculine as possible, then by all means look as masculine as possible, nobody has the right to take that away from you. About the sex sites - it's all about numbers. You can literally just browse through guys you like the look of and message them something extremely sleazy like "want to fuck? I'm a bottom, no strings attached." If you messaged that to a bunch of guys on a SEX site, you'll easily get a few takers pretty quickly. People on sex sites get messages all the time from a whole variety of people, so it's all statistics, message as many people as possible. As for your friend - I'm not sure why it'd be that offensive, she's just saying you're very masculine for most gay guys. If masculinity is something you pride yourself on, then stand tall and tell her "fuck yeah I am."
yep, i had no idea how big cultural differences existed in the gay community around the globe. after i am done with school i am def going back, it sucks here. i also just deleted the only profile i had on many dating apps. i've been rejected, politely though, so many times that it was no fun. also i hated the creepy types on them, they were so desperate some even offered money. i only have a profile on web site for bears and their admirers, mainly in EU and middle east, a lot of them my type and i enjoy looking at the pictures, also get sad for the fun time i am missing. this whole thing made feel depressed and ugly; i look into the mirror for so long trying to find some negativity about mysefl also my friend meant i look more masc compared to the avg american str8 guy, i know she exaggerating but still
Hey guys remember 18+/21+ websites, dating apps and websites and websites that could lead to offsite contact are not allowed to be posted per EC's CoC. If you need further clarification on that post in the "Ask the staff" forum.
Ok, just to throw my 2c in... First off , there is a significant subset of the gay population that finds hairy guys, and Middle Eastern guys VERY attractive. Also masculine guys. So you shouldn't feel down about yourself. Depending on how big/defined you are, you might fall into the musclebear or wolf subgroup (the first is a really big hairy guy, but with a lot of muscle, not so much definition. Think hairy professional wrestler. A wolf is more of an average to muscular/defined build, but hairy) Secondly, when you say you consider yourself a bottom, does that mean that you hate topping under any circumstances, or that you would be ok with it as long as the guy you're with would also be willing to turn around and top you? If the latter, then you might say that you are 'versatile' which formally means you are willing to top or bottom, but is often interpreted as meaning you're a bottom. If you're totally a bottom, that's fine too, btw. But just flat out make that clear on any profiles or whatever that you're doing. Either way, if you're clear about what you're looking for up front, then there should be someone(s) out there for you. On a related note, there is at least one website/forum (which shall remain nameless, both due to EC rules and because I can't remember the name right now), that is explicitly for in shape gay guys. Conversations run from stuff you'd see here, to preferred workout and diet routines, to much more lockerroom type talk. With a bit of research I imagine it will turn up. And again, be very clear about what you want and are into. Yes, people will make assumptions based on your appearance. But you don't have to go along with those assumptions if you don't want to. Hope this helps, Todd
I do love hairy guys, but they have to be on shape. And yes, I'm a top (I guess). Being a botton seems hurtful to me. Maybe I should try? Who knows.
hello and sorry for the unintentional mistakes that i made here. i have a small build, 5'4 130 lbs; i work out a little, so i am somewhat defined. i topped only a very few times, but sometimes i do get confused when i feel i would top a defined bubble b*tt. back home 99% of the guys i met were top, and i did beg some of them to bottom, just to try. being small framed furry guy made me the center of attention by all the tops who are interested in masc looking and acting bottoms, which the majority of top guys back home would prefer, so i was kinda spoiled with all those men. the transmission from "all fun" to "no fun" is hurting me. i do get attention from top guys here, but honestly they are so out of my league, mainly overweight. i adore middle eastern, Mediterranean hwp hairy guys, with dark features; i grew up among them; i fell in love with them since i was so young. i was adored by them, but here those guys are more attracted to the other look, mainly the smoothish, and maybe with lighter features. since opposites attract, as they say here, those guys would go for a different look, since i do look like them, a white guy with dark features. on every site, i specified that i am a bottom, but still i got looks, msgs, and smiles from btm or btm/vers guys. and about that site, i was SO overwhelmed by the guys, who looked like greek gods, so i could not post anything, although i have a defined body myself, but nothing like them. ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2013 at 08:19 PM ---------- you should try bottoming, you might like it. i tried topping, but still prefer being a bottom.
I've never being with guys lol but like I said, I think I'm a bottom... How long it takes to get used to the the bottom thing? I heard it hurts at first... I want to be versatile in the future. Maybe I should start putting things inside of me to prepare myself to my first sexual experience? LOL
