I used to think that being gay wasn't such a big deal, my parents were fine with it, and my aunt is trans so i really had nothing to worry about! So i took my time figuring things out, and finally after four years realized that i'm a lesbian. But now the more i think about it, the more it scares me, i used to think that being gay was great! That you were a part of something important! But now it seems like it's just a big pile of depression and loneliness... i told a friend, and it turns out we were both going through the same thing, which just made me think i was doing it for attention, turns out we both thought that...i even started having anxiety issues and have been stuttering (which isn't normal for me, since i'm an avid singer and i've participated is so many public speaking events) i feel like i don't know who i am anymore... what do i do? :tears: :bang: :help:
You probably aren't doing it for attention, I'm going to tell you that. Unless you are the kind of person who absolutely does everything for attention, I doubt you are feeling something just because. However, I'm going to say that I don't know how old you are, and false confusion is somewhat natural in early teen years. And I'm going to admit to you that being gay has its lonely days. Not only is it harder to date and depression and mental problems are rather common in the homosexual community. However, you have to realize that your sexuality is going to be what you make it. I'm not saying this in a rude way, because I've experienced a ton of depression throughout my life. However, you don't feel that way all the time, and you don't feel that way forever. You even have a friend who you can talk to, which is something that a lot of people don't have. It also sounds like you are having a really common crisis in the LGBT community. When you are in the closet, it can often times feel like everything is going to change once you step out into the world. We are sort of taught that being gay changes who we are. However, I feel like something that needs to be more openly addressed is that just because events change, at our core we aren't any different. Things are going to change, and it may be a little scary at the time. However, you aren't going to be a different person just because of your sexuality, because it's been with you the whole time. A lot of things are going to change in your life, but you are never going to stop being you.
Oh, I so feel this.. I mean, the part where you ask yourself--am I just playing a role? Am I just making this up? I think it's a natural part of taking on what amounts to a whole new identity in the beginning. I wind it back to where I was.. .hating myself, relentless physical anxiety.. and that's over. I love where I am.. and begining to catch up on identity thing... All right. I'm queer! Big Deal! ... so when have I ever been happier or felt more free? ... never. Takes a while. Hope you get there soon!
The point about coming out is bringing your outside life more inline with your internal nature. Some people say and do things when they're young for attention, sure. It's okay to take those things back, but only if we legitimately feel that going the other direction will bring us more in line with our nature. You cannot change who you are inside, no matter how you dress it up. Work ethic, honesty, and stuff like that CAN change. Who and what you're attracted to changes over the course of your life. Even your capacity for romantic and sexual attraction changes.
