When I met my boyfriend of the last 8 months he told me he was 38 years old, which is already almost a 20 year age difference considering I'm 19. 8 months is the longest I've been with anyone and this wasn't just some older guy I wanted a free ride from, Ive been with other men considerably older than me (10-20 years), and I only feel 100% comfortable around this man out of every man I've been with. However, I was under the impression that he was 20 years older than me, which I believed, don't ask me how, and I ended up finding out he is actually 58 when we were crossing the border to canada and the guard asked his age. He still tried to play it off initially, but I already had some suspicions and I knew he was hiding something, so he had no choice but to tell me in the car which was very uncomfortable but it had to come out I suppose. However we continued to have the dinner we were going to and went back to the hotel we were staying at, because I still wanted to be with him even though he lied to me, we went back to the hotel and cried with each other for a while, he felt so bad for hurting me and "destroying something special" we had a restless night of fairly emotionless sex. I know age is just a number, and I'm not superficial in the slightest, but I've never seriously dated a MAN let alone someone 20 years older than me, so this was all new for me, and he made me so happy it didn't matter. But now I know he's 40 years older than me, and I think back to all the lies he told me to cover it up and all the manipulating he did, he told me he loved me from the second week we met, but how can you lie to someone you love for so long... It it tearing me up inside because I know the person he is and I know he just made a lie when we met so he could have a chance with me and he was just too scared to lose me, and I loved him so much I can't just let him go, but now when I look him in the face half the time I just think about how he hurt me and it doesn't feel the same, but my heart is still in love with the person he is. I worry because maybe I am just blinded by love and he is bad for me, but I love him still and I want to spend my life with him but now I don't know if I can give him myself 110% like I did before, I've never been hurt like this. He is seeing his therapist to talk about this and some of his issues wednesday, and I think I should probably see one about this to, I don't have friends I can talk to about this. I know only time till truly tell, but I need some outside perspectives as to what you think about lying about something like this, what do you think?
I think it's good you have reservations about this all. There's an underlying issue here: why did he lie about his age, and why did he only tell you when it was obvious he could not keep up the charade any longer? It's not fair to you at all. Inherently the age difference presents several problematic dynamics... But I don't think it's even necessary to even get into that. He lied to you and you only found out because he could keep the secret no longer. Do you want to stay with someone like that? I strongly suggest that you consider that first, and consider that lots of what he's said to you has been a lie, and that lots of what you've thought of him has been false. Online relationships allow one to project an idealized version of what may or may not actually be there. Whatever happens, I wish the best for you, and good luck.
A liar never lies once, it's a habit and a bad one at that. I have a very low tolerance for liars, but throw in deception and manipulation, I would have got out of the car at the border and not looked back. Maybe you are a bigger man than I am, being able to see past lies and see something other than a deceptive and manipulative person? I hope you find peace within yourself
Actually, I'm not certain if this originated as an online relationship. I might've assumed wrongly. If so, I apologize. With that said, though, the fact that he lied to you about this for so long is already a very large deal. Throwing in the fact that he's 40 years older than you... I really suggest you think about this thoroughly.
Whatever else may be at play here, he lied to you, about something significant, for a very long time. That's a hard pill to swallow. And you're obviously upset by it, but I say it because, as much as it could be talked around, it's still there, it's not excusable, and I think it's important not to lose sight of it. Because even if he did do it because he "didn't want to lose you," or he "wanted a chance with you," he's still made it very clear that he's willing to deceive you in order to get you to stay with him - and that is the biggest of red flags. It's natural to grieve at a point like this, but I think the grieving comes from the realization that you're already losing what you thought you had with him - which, among other things, was based on trust and a variety of assumptions you had about him based on what he told you about himself. But make no mistake, if he did it once (and technically he did it many times), he'll do it again.
This. I can understand why he said it at first. But I can hardly tolerate that he kept hiding the truth from you for so long. I ended a relationship because of lies. At first I didn't want to. But I realized later that I had no idea what had been truth and what lies and I started to doubt EVERYTHING he ever had said and everything new he said. He lied to keep me close and at the end it was the reason to break up with him.
There's one thing that matters in a relationship more than any other single thing. That's integrity. So he's been with you for 8 months and lied his age... and lied to you about a whole stack of other things... and you can guarantee he's lying to you about other things as well. Additionally, the fact he's lying about his age means he's clearly got shame issues and isn't comfortable with who he is. This is somebody who's really, really messed up and can't be trusted about much of anything. He would never have told you if the issue hadn't been forced. Please, for your own peace of mind and healing... get yourself out of this relationship, get into therapy with a good therapist to explore what's going on as to why you're going after people old enough to be your dad instead of people your own age. Trust me... once you work through the issues, you will be MUCH, MUCH happier with someone around the same age.
I got bored reading the arguments here so I haven't read all points that have been posted, so forgive me if this has been mentioned. But OP, if you still love him and he doesn't frequently lie to you then I see no reason not to stick by him. A lot of people are taking the route of attacking the guy who lied about his age, sure he could of been manipulating the OP, but not all stories are one-sided. I've seen people before who lie about their age simply because their self esteem is so low that they feel they have to be someone else in order to get someone they like. Then as time goes on, even if their self esteem grows, they cant admit the lie out of fear of losing their loved one. ^ Not saying that's exactly what happened, just saying that stories can go more than one way. OP, I personally would just have a sit down with your guy and ask him to be honest, ask him what was going through his mind when he lied, ask him why it took him so long, just give him a chance to explain himself before making a decision.
Look... I know he seems safe, but if Momo lied to ME about his age, I would leave, and never look back. Lying in a relationship is terrible, please do tell him how you feel, get him to tell you the whole truth, and get out if he refuses.
That still falls under not emotionally healthy. Regardless whether this picture is painted with the lying guy as the victim or the perpetrator, he's still not emotionally healthy. There is no emotionally healthy reason that should lead someone to make that decision.
Thank you those who gave me honest advice, thats all i asked for, and wow did I get it. I knew the age difference would come up and be what drew people to this thread in the first place, but honestly, if I was concerned with the age difference I would have posted asking you guys/girls about that, but I didnt. I simply wanted advice on lying, and thus far the only conclusion Ive come to is that I was stupid for even posting this in the first place. I shouldnt be relying on people who have no clue what our relationship is to give me advice, and at this point I dont really feel comfortable going deeper into our relationship and my feelings for him with you guys, so I guess at this point Im just going to say if your goal is to help me with my problem, save the age lecture because you're not the first or the 500th person ive heard it from, if it mattered to me I wouldnt have been with him for 8 months. Any more advice is appreciated but not expected
I am sorry you feel that way. The truth is, it's hard to give you any advice. It was hard for me to leave the relationship I mentioned earlier. I even tried to take him back. But I realized that no matter how hard I was trying, I didn't believe him. There was always questions like How could have he done it? What was his motivation? Was it a terrible mistake or a vicious manipulation? What if he still keeps doing it and there are more lies pilling up? At the end I ended it to save myself. It was emotionally exhausting. I believe some people do it because they do have emotional problems that need to be addressed by a therapist. They will promise you to stop, but they will do it again. Some play terrible, terrible games just for fun and giggles. And some make a mistake and cover it with a lie and then another lie and another out of the fear of being caught. Can you rely on any kind of those three? I don't know. To this day I have no idea if my bf belonged to the first or the second category. His lies were simply so terrifying that I don't know. Only time will tell (months at least) if you (you alone) can get over it. I wasn't able to.
There's been some cleanup here, and just as a reminder to all posters in this thread - keep it civil and focused. The OP is asking for support here while going through a tough situation. There are other places to debate the issue in abstract - for now, just help him out where he's at.
I am so sorry that you feel that way, but I do understand 100% why you feel that way, Please have faith in those that did actually give advice on the issue that you actually sought advice for because there are actually people who care about you more than they care about their beliefs. I hope that everything works out for you in the end Peace.
