I'm not sure where to start so i'll just give you the run down. Please bear with me! I grew up in a very very dysfunctional family. Their untreated mental disorders, verbal, emotional, psychological and physical abuse lead to spending most of my life in depression and sever anxiety. I am 22 years old. I'm an only child and have no close family, relatives or close friends. I live with my mom and I'm also gay. ( had an epiphany last year) I entered therapy a few years ago and I feel so much better now. My anxiety is manageable, I have skills and I socialize more, leave the house more. I have lost 125 lbs the past 2 years as well. This is coming from a person who prisoned herself in her room for years. I have never been in a romantic relationship before. I'm a first class virgin who probably knows more about sex, sexuality, relationships and physiology of a human being way more than an average youth. People come to me and ask for my advice lol. I go to an lgbt center ( just over 2 months) and I do socialize. I have told my parents I'm gay and a friend the only one I have. so basically I was in a drawer not a closet for a little while. lol. I have always felt extremely lonely and unloved, uncared for etc.. In the past when I was severely depressed of course I didn't care much but I knew, I buried the desires because I knew no one in their right mind would want me, who wants to love me, a messed up damaged goods girl. but now I realize I'm awesome, I'm weird, kind, loyal, curious, non judgmental, I understand validation and many more but I also know I have lots of flaws. healing from my past will be a journey. My emotional and physical baggages( body needs surgery after weight loss) are heavy, and makes me wonder and fearful of future. I worry people would leave and abandon me once they find out of my depressive suicidal past. they aren't worth it I realize that. I need someone who is going to praise and aknowledge the survivor in me not shun me for my past. I yearn for a natural connection with someone with every breath I take. I am starved from affection, love, intimacy or any kind of connection. Platonic and romantic. I dream of a gentle caress, a warm embrace every night. It's strange how do I stop having these desires, these longings. I know it's natural, we are human mammals but it's becoming suffocating. I know I deserve love, to love and be loved. To feel the connection with someone else, with a woman. I felt no such things with my parents. I have yet to see a more messed up relationship than what they have. Co dependancy level 132434. I grew up with my mother telling me how much she wants a partner, someone to love, someone who loves her and shows her and threats her with respect. but she never acted on those desires. Am I doomed to become my parents ? and I also believe in being my own best friend first, to learn to love myself first because it is not pure if i expect someone else to give me love and affection to fill a hole that can not be filled. So I am very mature for my age, I understand and see the world differently but I am also a kid at heart something I am so grateful for, it is my saviour from the darkness. I want a person who is healthy (mentally and physically), have a close family and friends, has a direction in life , is patient and more optimistic than me. It kills me because why would an accomplished and decent person choose me. at least i have some confidence i do believe i have so much to offer, in my head i can imagine myself be a good partner, i can see myself open up with the right person. am i kidding myself? I ache for physical contact of any kind. I count the hugs i give and receive in a year. yep that pathetic but I can't help it I feel trapped, I have no one to give me that kind of affection. At least I can masturbate for sexual release and I do try and caress myself like massage myself… I have a plush to hug at night which I have began to imagine how it would make me feel like it if it was actually a person. would I run away? would I tense or would I come to experience this 'feeling safe' phenomena. every now and then my mom tries to give me a hug or a kiss but i push her away because her love for me is very much conditional and I don't feel comfortable being touched by her at all. I have a cat and I practice mindfulness with him while petting him or just observing him and stay in the present. I meditate, I have skills so it's not like i am utterly out of sync with myself. I feel a little less alone and warm when he sleeps next to me or on my leg at night. I know fundamentally there isn't anything wrong with me, physical touch is in human nature, we are mammals and we thrive on touch( most of us anyway) but this longing and yearning is killing me deep inside, it always has. I know a romantic relationship is step 50 and not something i would pursue right at this moment. I would love to have a real best friend. who gets me as much as I understand them etc.. I understand people better than they understand themselves and it makes it so much harder for me to bond and make an emotional and mental connection with someone because I get them yet I am misunderstood. I don't like massages from strangers, professionals included. I don't want a stranger to touch me I need someone who cares about me, someone who I have bonded with. it's as if I am in heat and can not think about anything else. it does makes sense suffering from depression for so long and finally feeling better and also having a clear view of my sexuality and who I see myself to be in a relationship with and of course my lack of childhood, all the rejections, abandonments and betrayals etc have all bottled up. I know i need psychotherapy, it's just that I have been focused on other forms therapy to fix my other mental issues. and I know these yearning have always been with me except I had to burry them and push forward. my therapists says I choose to suffer and I say to her i just don't understand why I must suffer so much, it could have been worse, much worse yet every time I try to 'fix' something there is another thing. I am so tired of struggling. I wanted to blend in and be an average human being for so long. but i am unique and different and I feel I am way more mature than an average 22 year old yet I am behind in a lot of social aspects. I wish the universe would throw me a life line and send me a woman I want, deserve and need. Something pure, genuine and simple. A natural connection with no headache but love and support and openness. I want it, I need it. It's unfortunate because I can't bring myself to say I am ready for such gift. I want to be ready but i am just afraid. I know so many people can relate to this, I know many go through life without ever experiencing that but yes it's self pity but cut me some slacks I have come this far with no support, I just want to know what it's like to have someone who actually care about your well being and is there for you. Someone who is not afraid yet understands my fear. someone who I can share myself with, all of me. I go to bed every night with a sadness. although i can't wait to go to bed so i can read and imagine myself with someone special. I imagine all sorts of scenarios. the girl has no face but i just know she has kind eyes and is calm. and we talk, i can talk and she listens and validates and we share and vice versa. My daily interactions are only with my mother. Add a few texts here and there, I have no one to have a decent conversation with. Thriving to have an intellectual conversation with someone. To be told and shown I am wanted and needed and desired in someone's life. How does it feel like to be loved? I have no idea. I have no idea how it feels like to be loved by family, friends or lovers. this is truly a yearning i struggled with since I was a child. Someone who is kind to me in morning and before they fall asleep. someone who has the same personality on monday through the following sunday. I'm honestly not sure what I am asking here I just figured I should perhaps share my story here and get it off my chest. I'm hoping someone who has been in similar situation as me now lives a fulfilling life and can Maybe give some advice? some encouraging words? how can I cop with having these yearnings for physical touch, love and affection. or if you think you can relate etc. Thank you for reading this novel, I appreciate it! (!)
