Gay, trans*, whatever..basically suicidal, again

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time at the moment. (*hug*) I haven't been in your situation before but I used to be suicidal. My reason for you not to kill yourself is because although I understand what it's like to be depressed, it's not forever. I was like that for two years and only a year ago I got better and now I'm really happy. I think you should find someone you can trust to talk to about this. Keep being positive having hope. <3

 

*hug* I am so sorry you had to wait for an answer for so long. But you know, time zones, RL issues...

Of course there are reasons to live *hug* I wish I could talk to you privately, but apparently, there is no way. This is what I don't like on EC, you can't send PMs freely and you can post anonymously in just one board, and so, a lot of advice remains unspoken.

You helped me a lot the other day. You gave me a different perspective and food for thoughts. Your posts have a lot of wisdom and there is a lot of potential in you.

YOU CAN MAKE DIFFERENCE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES! How many teenagers can say that? How many would even try?

Judging from some of your posts, it's hard to believe that you are this young. Have you considered becoming a counsellor? Or simply someone who helps people? You know how to listen and when they have problems you know something about, your advices are usually pretty darn good!

What happened with your mom and staying at home? I thought she took you back? Have I missed anything?

Honestly kid, you have more strength than many. Stay with us, we can work on a plan how to get you back on the track *hug*

 

about the money - "It got all pissed away in one of her tantrums" No, my dear. The money and the issue is very positive in fact. It shows that you are mature enough to work and keep saving money for "rainy days." It seems that that perception of yours saved your ass. Honestly, if I got kicked out of home at 18... I would end very badly. Be proud of yourself, man.

the dark days - try to remember that they keep coming in waves. That even though you have a bad period, things will get better, or you will simply start feeling better and will come up with solution how to makes things better. Try to imagine yourself like a small waterstream that is running, looking for and creating its new riverbed.

Its journey and track are usually very meandering - BUT IT KEEPS GOING FORWARD.

You'll be OK. And if you have a bad day, this is the place to rant

 

If it makes you feel any better my life is in shambles too. (*hug*) Hugs for lives in shambles.

 

When we're depressed, suicidal, and feel trapped, it's hard to see the positives and move forward in life, even if we're constantly reminded of them. On the plus side, you know you have several problems and want to move past them, so there's an incentive to keep living and to not give up.

You say you have no chance of getting a job (when you've had one), that you can't perform in school (when you've shown yourself to be an intelligent, insightful, and determined individual), that you'll never meet someone (when you've admitted to having good looks and experience with men), and that life wasn't meant for you (when you've been successful in identifying several alternatives, positive attributes, and desires).

Here's something I heard when I was spending time in a psyche ward: if your life could be "perfect", or as close to perfect as humanly possible, what would it take? Also, if you've had previous suicidal thoughts, the chance for relapse is higher, especially if you suffer a mental disorder, so you want to minimize and cushion those rocky moments. Is there anything you could do to help you "hold on" for the time being?

You're exhausted, and have quite a fight in front of you, so these changes won't happen overnight. I also didn't want to say anything when you first returned as "Seth", but a part of me then felt something wasn't quite right. The fact that you're now questioning that move definitely seems like a step forward, even if it's not an easy one to admit, and you have my support. An open ear to vent to, if nothing else.

Hang in there.

 

Life is hard. We all have our struggles, and hurdles to overcome. It's only 100x more difficult and complex when we have depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies on top of it all. I admire the hell out of you for your upbeat attitude and positive outlook on life, and I know that you definitely have the ability to find that inner motivation, and power to continue striving for the best life can offer you.

You've been fighting a strenuous battle of self acceptance, and learning to come to terms with yourself. A really, really difficult and long road indeed... but look how far you've come so far, and the difficulties you've surpassed and survived through. Maybe you realised you made a mistake, or perhaps thought you did.. only to really learn who you actually are, and erase the doubts you have. It's human nature to make mistakes, and there's no reason to feel ashamed about that. You also have time to think things through now, and decide for yourself.

I also second gravechild's sentiment; I knew there wasn't something right either when you returned here as "Seth". Something seemed off to me. It's good that you've opened that door again, which is the first step to admitting to yourself that there's something that needs to be done differently. If you need someone to vent to, I'm all ears. I respect your decisions and support whatever choice you make. This is your life to live, and it would be the best course of action to make it as worthwhile as possible.

I know you have the willpower, and it's okay to focus on yourself first, take some time to analyze the situation, and take things at your own pace. You'll manage to rekindle that one flame of fortitude again. (*hug*)

 

you know, my closest friends may think that I am crazy too. Or at least very incosistent. Because it seems that my opinion about myself and the things that influence my life keep changing all the time. It makes me sad. Because to my closest friends I am always very honest. But there is always a lot of thinking and evaluation and 'self-growing' (lol, is that even a word?) behind what I say them.

You have done a lot of thinking and have learned a lot about yourself already. But, there are more things to learn, trust me. Don't rush into anything, especially if you are tired.

Take a vacation from your problems Give yourself the freedom and the gift. Focus on something else for several months ( I know it sounds impossible, but it CAN be done).

You have learned that no matter how you will look, it will always be you. Spend several months becoming more self confident.

If something weird happened - like all hormones going off the market - there would be no way to transition. And eventually, you would learn how to cope without thinking about the death or being devastated.

Because no matter how you look, you are already you. You are a caring person who knows how to love and who will be loved no matter of their body.

I really want you to realize that you are strong enough to have a good, satisfying and pretty life no matter if there is a transition or not.

THEN, when you feel the self confidence, make the decision.

Do not make the life altering decision in the state of panic and desperation you are in right now.

You need to feel self confident NOW, because the way you are, and NOT rely on the transition to give you the self confidence. It won't work and the doubts will keep coming.