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Feeling guilty and confused

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by grahamt, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. grahamt

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    Hey,

    I just wanted to get something off my mind and see what other people think about it. I am 20 now, but lately I've been feeling extremely weird about some stuff that happened a few years ago. When I was 15, I knew I was gay and I was attracted to other guys, but I had never had any sort of sexual experiences (with either sex). I had never even masturbated before or looked at any kind of porn, I didn't even know anal sex was a thing lol, and penises just grossed me out (and still kind of do) so I was very "innocent" in that regard. But I guess I had a lot of pent up horniness and did some stuff that was kind of strange. Mostly there's this one incident I feel ashamed of...

    My younger brother (12 at the time and 3 years younger than me) and his friend (~11 and a little less than 4 years younger than me) who was also kind of a friend of mine, were playing on a mini basketball net in my brother's room. And I just had this strong urge like I wanted to feel my brother's friend's body, not in a sick way at all, but just like whatever contact I could get by playing basketball. So I went into my brother's room and started playing the game with them. This would have seemed totally normal to them, as my friend and I often hung out with my brother and his friend. And I was just enjoying the feeling of my brother's friend's body under my arm/against my body, and was getting pretty turned on. He wouldn't have had any idea that I was feeling that way. I was only playing with them for a short few minutes I think, and then I went back to my room. The strangest thing is that when I got back to my room I actually had an orgasm (without even touching myself), and it was the first orgasm I had ever had.

    There were a few other times as well between the ages of 14 and 16 that I got turned on by pretty innocent incidental contact with my brother's friend when we were hanging out, like sitting next to him on the couch playing video games with my arm against his torso. It was weird though, because I would never let myself even have any thoughts about him outside of those situations because it seemed wrong (with him being 4 years younger than me). I didn't discover masturbating until I was 17- I think I probably wouldn't have done those things if I at least had that way to get off.

    I swear I'm not a bad or perverted person at all... :tears: I've never even dreamed of ever doing anything perverse ever :icon_redf. I certainly wouldn't ever feel the need to do anything like that ^ again in a million years, and I knew that by the time I reached grade 11. All I've ever wanted is to be in a loving, romantic relationship with someone, though right now I'm still a total virgin and single :tears: I just feel so weird and conflicted about those early experiences. I've told a number of people about this stuff and so far everyone has said they don't think I did anything wrong. But I still feel so ashamed about it :icon_redf. I was just wondering what other people's honest opinions are about it.

    Thanks
     
  2. MilansMele

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    I think what happened was out of total innocence and naivety. The important thing is that no one even knows about this, no one got hurt by it. Now it's time to leave it behind. Chalk it up to the growing up process and don't attach so much importance to it.

    None of us can change the past, much less live in it. I think you have grown into a different person now and will never repeat this incident, so there's not anything to worry about.

    Don't worry, be happy!

    With aloha,
    Milan
     
  3. MaybeJory

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    What you did was a very normal part of sexual development. That kind of play is very common but it's usually at a younger age. Since you didn't discover masturbation until you were 17, it sounds like you were on the older end of the spectrum for puberty so it makes sense that you would play like that.

    Why do you feel so guilty about these actions?
     
  4. grahamt

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    Thanks so much for those replies. As for why I feel so guilty about it, there are probably a number of reasons. For one, I've never had any sexual experiences (besides drunkenly making out with a couple guys at the gay bar this summer) with men since I've come out of the closet to replace those memories. But mainly I've had quite severe problems with self-esteem, social isolation and depression over the past few years to the point that I sometimes start believe I'm a pervert or a horrible person when I think back on these events. I start to view them in the worst possible way. I just need to let go.
     
  5. bingostring

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    You have permission... to let go !!! :slight_smile:

    Seriously that is just something not to get worried about at all.

    The thing to do is plan a way out of your social isolation, and the depression, and ruminating over old events will pass. (*hug*)
     
  6. MaybeJory

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    I do think you need to let it go. I also think you need to work on being okay with yourself. And even being okay with being gay. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you grew up in a pretty sexually repressed environment. Do you have negative feelings about sex in general. Are those negative feelings magnified by non traditional sex?
     
  7. grahamt

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    My parents weren't uber religious or anything, but sex was never discussed at all in my house. I don't think I ever even got "the talk" haha. And I do still need to get more comfortable with my sexuality for sure. You would still say the same things if I was a straight guy and it was involving a younger girl? I guess it wouldn't really be any different.
     
  8. MaybeJory

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    A 15 year old boy and an 11 year old girl? Absolutely. The scenario you described was not inappropriate. You didn't touch the person intimately or against their will, right? You played a game that involved platonic touching and hormones took over. There is really nothing wrong with that.

    Oftentimes when sex is not discussed, kids get the idea that it's some how bad or shameful. It's not. Sexual development and exploration is natural and normal. Everything you've described is really common and not perverted or immoral.
     
  9. MilansMele

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    The fact that you worried about this incident shows that you are a conscientious person with a strong sense of ethics. But the past is history. It's over and everyone else has moved on.

    It's time to look forward with optimism and positive energy. You owe that to yourself. We can help support you in that effort.

    Milan