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Guys: Are you insecure? Afraid of being judged?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lil boi, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. lil boi

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    To be honest, I'm a very insecure person outside of friends or friends of friends. If I just talking to one person, face to face, I'm not as insecure in how I act as long as they seem to have interest in what I'm saying. But sometimes I feel insecure about how I speak, my personality, and sometimes how I look. Okay most of the time I get insecure about my looks when meeting someone new, because I've been called ugly once or twice, even though most of my friends say they're jealous of my looks or style or something, but they're my friends so I know they're just trying to be nice to me (though I know most of them would tell me the cold hard truth when it comes to other things). But I am mostly insecure that when I meet a new person, and that they might think I'm a geek or another typical Asian kid or just don't find me interesting. I mean my friends say I'm pretty chill and more awesome than them and even funny (lol, idk why they think that), but I look at myself and see the dorky kid I used to be in middle school when I had no friends. Tbh, I'm kinda jealous of them for having such a great personality and being social and stuff. I mean, if I wasn't so insecure, I think I'd be out to everyone, but idk what people would feel about me. I just know it'll be different. I just wished I wasn't so afraid of being judged. :frowning2:

    Also one of the reason why I barely go on here.

    Anyways, is it girly thing, or is it a gay thing, or what? Because it doesn't seem like that with any of my straight friends (obviously) and even most of my friends who are girls (I usually call them my sis's or girl friends so don't be confused if I ever use those words instead. I ain't a player and my mama's never gonna give birth to a girl).

    Btw, I don't have any gay friends (okay, maybe one feminine friend, but I can't take him seriously, he's like a little bro to me anyways and he definitely doesn't feel insecure about his looks at all), so I don't know if any other guys are like this, insecure and stuff.

    And sorry, I tend to talk like this and I tend to talk a lot, and ramble.

    But yeah, this is why I haven't posted anything on here. Please don't judge.
    xP
     
  2. Pocky

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    I feel the same way as you. Except, I don't even have the group of friends anymore :frowning2: Just one I don't see all that often.

    Anyway, I can't diagnose you but as for me, I suffer from social anxiety.
    Essentially it's an irrational fear that I'm being judged so I'm always limiting the things I say and do.
    The reason is because, I've been conditioned to believe there's something to fear from being myself so as a consequence my 'fight or flight' response kicks in and stops me from just being a normal person and saying/doing whatever I feel.

    To change things, unfortunately the only way to do it is fight the uncomfortable feelings and take the risk of looking stupid. It's only then you teach yourself there's nothing to fear. It takes a long time and means doing the opposite of what you would usually do in certain circumstances.

    For example, tomorrow I'll be going to a BBQ that my one friend asked me to. My initial feeling was to say that I'm busy, but I had to stop myself and consciously accept the invite. Even though it's true I am actually busy, it's not a stretch to take a few hours away from study just to drop by and be social.
     
  3. Jordz

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    I'm the same, I'm 100% certain i've got social anxiety. With people I know Im fine although I still don't talk loads. But to other people and in places with lots of people im pretty mute. I was meant to do a presentation last week but I was getting so worried I bottled it and just walked away rather than doing it.
     
  4. RainyViolinist

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    Are you sure you're not me because this is exactly how I've been feeling for the past 3-4 years. I've been told by my friends I'm nice and funny, but I don't know, I just feel stupid. It's like, I feel everyone lies about liking me so they don't hurt my feelings, but if they could, they'd leave me in a heartbeat. About looks too, I do have days where I think I could look passable, or even nice, but more often then not I look into a mirror and all I see are my imperfections, my flaws, the reasons why I'm not attractive.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    Yes, but markedly so from mid-school through my first 2 years of college, that it was almost paralyzing. This issue got better on its own during the remainder of my 20s. I never caved into doing all the right things, and people are judgmental of that. I decided it involved way too much energy to worry about what jerks thought. As I started approaching 30, and passing 30, I simply didn't care or sometimes would tell someone off. I don't think it's a bad idea if it's called for. You've gotten it off your chest.
     
  6. lil boi

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    Aha, I have social anxiety to. Sort of. I mean not as much as I used to when I was in middle school, but I still do feel shy when meeting new people. I mean when I was in middle school I would talk to nobody at all, only family. Never had real friends as I do now, but I would barely speak to anyone who wasn't family. But now I'm one of the most outgoing person you might ever meet, besides the fact that I hold a lot of secrets and that I'm intimidated from meeting other super outgoing people. And still, with everyone I meet I'm afraid they don't like me as much because of the way I act. I think I'm just too weird for people, and I feel bad for making people feel weird.

    But yeah, I do tend to have those moments where I feel like I'm jumping off a bridge or something just to meet someone new or start a conversation with them.


    Also, I should have added earlier that I get really insecure when talking to people I kinda have a crush on. I mean I'm bi, but I tend to crush on a couple of my nice straight friends who already have girlfriends and truly I don't want to hurt them so I back away. But because of that, these friends aren't that close to me like my other straight friends who I don't have crushes on. But if anything, I'm the person who likes to get close to everyone even if its just a close-friendship relationship (I like to call them brotherly/sisterly relationships), but because of these insecurities, it's like impossible to get close with people. :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2013 at 04:21 PM ----------

    Aha, I mean I never was that insecure when I was 10, I was still a kid back then. Even up to the age of 12. But when I hit eighth grade and then ninth, I felt like such a loner because I thought it was because of my looks and personality. And when I became a sophomore, I kinda made a change in my style and looks and became more outgoing. But still, once in a while I feel insecure, even to my closest friends who usually only talk to me or hang out when I ask or start up conversations with them.


    And finally, someone who's been what I been through. I'm kinda glad I can finally relate to somebody. Even some of my girl friends don't understand this.

    And don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm completely bad looking, just like you said, but I tend to feel insecure of some of the small things like the size of my nose, eye color, some little stuff about my hair, ears, facial blemishes, being skinny, sometimes my shortness, etc, usually the things that most people (especially guys) don't usually care about. But personally, I think I could look better than the average guy if I didn't have these little flaws. And most of these things I can change a little bit over time, but not completely. (Sorry if I'm being a little snobby. I just get jealous easily and like I said, I am very insecure). I just hate the fact of being "almost good enough" or "just good enough".
     
  7. lil boi

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    And don't worry Jordz, I used to be mute to, but once you start to talk more to friends and learn how to make friends with other people and get close to them, it will take the stress out of public speaking and just speaking in general. And if you're more fun and carefree with people it get's much easier to speak in front of people.

    But truthfully, presentations will always be nervewracking, but just pretend like you don't care about what other people think or pretend to be happy, even if you aren't. It's more about acting rather than speaking itself in my opinion. That's how I got through all my classes, and in life in general. And my social anxiety. But don't do it too much, 'cause you'll bottle everything up and start living a lie, and I know because it happened to me. Just pretend in situations where you just wanna get over with so you don't have to deal with it anymore.

    ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2013 at 05:00 PM ----------

    I'm sorry it took you so long to get it off you chest. I mean, I still have some insecurities, but not as much as I did five years ago. Though looks never been an insecurity of mines until a couple years ago, my insecurities aren't as much as a problem anymore because of everything I had to go through. I just don't really care as much as I used to, though now I am insecure about how I used to be soo insecure. I try not to be as dramatic as I used to.

    Hopefully one of these days, I'll just forget about my insecurities completely and just live on not caring about what judgments people have to say about me. I'm almost there. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Argentwing

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    I have my moments. Sometimes I feel superior, and other times I feel weak and like all eyes are looking down at me. It's a very weird mix of feelings o.0
     
  9. Pocky

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    So what sort of things do you do to be outgoing? Sometimes it feels like such a massive effort and mostly it feels like my mind is just blank :eusa_doh:

    I think it's really hard with straight crushes. Are you scared you might say or do something that will freak them out?
     
  10. Emulator

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    Sometimes I feel that way, even change things to please others, but everyone has their preferences and you can't adapt to suit everyone wherever you go. Insecurity is kind of associated with being in large groups, so I guess some people think it's a girl thing but if you ask me, anyone regardless of gender can have the tendency to feel insecure. And there's nothing wrong with it.
    True, people have to give and take to get along, but not to the extreme because there'll never be enough to satisfy anyone. Just be who you are, what others think doesn't matter. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Pocky

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    Yeah exactly I can sympathise.

    That sucks about the presentation. I've heard that sometimes it's helpful to find a point to look at in the general direction of the audience but not actually looking at them constantly.

    Weirdly I don't have much of a problem with just getting up and speaking in front of a group but yeah just being one-on-one or a small group is impossible.

    I think we both need to get out of our comfort zones and just do the opposite of what our mind tells us. It sucks but that's the only way.
     
  12. lil boi

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    I feel ya. I hate when people stare at me. The only reason I would like people staring at me is if they were checking me out. Lol. But it's usually not the case.


    Honestly I was always hyperactive and wild as a child and loved talking and being physical with people but only to family. I guess because of my love for talking and fun times with family, I strived for that in others (tbh as a kid I wanted to become famous one day, lol). I could tell you my whole childhood story of how I became outgoing, but I'll just skip to what I do now to be more out there. With friends, they don't care at all who you are if they're truly your friends. How I act depends on the situation, but let me just say this, don't be afraid to be who you want to be or who you are inside. You may think that on the outside you're a shy coward, but on the inside you want to be someone who's fun and talkative. Well, I don't know who you want to be, but whatever it is, don't be afraid to show the person or people you want to get close to. I think it's best to start by talking to a friend personally because it's easier to show the truth to one person at a time rather than explaining yourself to everyone. But you gotta take courage in either going up to that person you want to get closer to or if you're lucky they might come to you and then you can continue from there on. I don't know your situation, but from what you said, if I'm correct, you're a type of person who doesn't know how to hold a conversation. I never had problems because I'm a person who rambles (as you can see) and never stops thinking, but if you can't think of anything, why don't you tell them what problems you've been going through. Drama is one of the ways I got closer with my friends. I mean everybody always have their own problems that they go through that another person can help with. Besides that, anything that's been on your heart lately? You can start off by talking about that. Also, one of the best ways to be more open and closer to people isn't just talking, it's listening. If you don't have anything to say, what questions do you have to ask the other person? Making the other person talk is usually a great way to keep the conversation going. See, look at how your little question got me to talk this much! (though I know it's partially because I like to help people as well, lol) :grin:

    Anyways, to answer you second question, not exactly. I do feel a little like I'm gonna say something stupid just because I'm afraid I am charmed by his, well everything about him, but it's more of the fact that I'm afraid that if I get close to him, someone's going to get hurt in the end. I try to friend-zone everyone, even my straight crush, but I'm afraid that he'll freak out if I told him the truth and it would ruin our relationship. I mean I will try to go beyond friend-zone, like to brother-zone with pretty much everyone I meet as long as they're willing to go their with me, and I want to go to that with my crush, because I want to get closer to him. And I know that in that zone he probably might not be as willing to run away because he know me too well, but I'm afraid we wouldn't talk anymore and I don't want that to happen. Well can I ask you if you've ever came out to your crush?


    That's how I feel exactly! I can't really think if any other way to some it up! :wink: Thank you, someone understands.
     
  13. swimmertriangle

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    I typically come off as confident, but in reality I'm so insecure. I hate how I look and how I speak. I always avoid taking videos of my talking because I'm afraid people will judge me on how my voice sounds. I don't like meeting new guys, generally because I have almost no friends who are guys and I'm afraid of being judged. Recently, though, I've started to come out of my shell and start talking to people who I thought would judge me a lot but haven't :slight_smile:
    It's kind of a long term goal of mine, to become more comfortable with who I am and how my body is. I think coming out to some very close friends has helped because they really have shown acceptance.
     
  14. lil boi

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    Lol, same with me. People are like, "Wow, I wished I could be as confident as you are" to me, but I'm like "Really? You high on something? Because the person you see ain't me". Okay maybe I do tend to act confident on the outside but secretly I'm insecure on the inside. And yes, I have a tendency to be intimidated by guys as well. Not really any younger guys, but the more outgoing ones and bigger/older ones. And I kinda feel the same way when I take videos of myself. :/
    And just like you I HATE my voice. I mean I try my best to control it in a more cute or happy tone, but it doesn't happen that way for the most part. >.<

    I'm glad that you are out to people now. I just wished I could do the same. -.-
     
  15. PeytonRose

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    I've always been insecure, my own biggest judge, and my own worst enemy. I was nervous to even tell my best friend who I know will love me no matter what. I made myself so nervous when I texted my siblings about this that I was literally shaking with being so nervous. I haven't really told anyone outside close friends and family. I'm slowly beginning to gain more confidence and want to come out to everyone, but first I need to pass the hurdle of telling my mom and haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.
     
  16. lil boi

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    Well at least you're out to some people. I mean I'm not afraid of what they'll think, it's just I know how they're gonna react and I don't want to create any more drama with them. I honestly haven't come out to anyone besides my parents. The only people I would tell is anyone who wouldn't care or spread rumors about it, but everyone I know isn't like that (especially since we're Asian and rumors go by fast around Asians, lol). I guess you could say the only people I would tell are the people who I'd like to know me as gay. Or at least when the time feels right I'll tell them.
     
  17. monotone

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    No one I've come out to has spread any rumours, as far as I know, and I'm from Asia.
     
  18. Daydreamer1

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    I blame my insecurities on being bullied as a kid and having nobody to defend me, plus it never helped that I felt like I was being persecuted when a relative said I was a "boy in a girl's body" in a weird tone.

    So yeah, I am insecure. Heavily. I'd love to change that, but I doubt I can.
     
  19. lil boi

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    Lol, lucky. All my Asian friends, if you say something, everyone who's Asian's gonna know, even the people you don't even know.
    But I know when it's something as serious as this, it's something that us teens don't like talking about so it won't be spread if I told them not to tell anyone.
    The only thing I'm afraid is that it'll be spread to the elders (rumors spread faster with them than with teenagers). I don't mind my family knowing, but if anyone of elders in my culture knew about it, I know it'd be a big controversy and concern (though they tend to joke around with it too much). And also I really dislike being lectured (Asian elders, -.- ). Plus, I don't want it to hurt how people view my grandparents (my uncle is already bad enough on them, and having a grandchild who doesn't understand his own language, dresses "different", has dyed/bleach hair, AND is gay, well let's just say all those other things are nothing compared to being gay in my culture). Sigh, my culture can just be so irritating at times. :frowning2:

    But I'm sure every culture has their faults.

    ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 12:47 AM ----------

    Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I've been called "girly" before, but it's mainly because I try to come off that way to people depending on the situation.

    But yes, I know how it is to be bullied (not for being gay, just for being small, shy, and Asian). If I was more faster at thinking up come backs to what those bullies said, I think I could've held them off, but then again I was scared. I mean even now I get bullied at times, but at least now I can take them on.

    But I blame my insecurities on my seclusion from people as a baby to my child years. I almost became outgoing by the end of my elementary years but my parents just had to move. But at least I moved back and got out of my shell (but I still have yet to come out of my closet).

    Anyways, I believe that you'll be able to change. If your ambitious enough about it, it'll happen just as it did with me. :grin:
     
  20. monotone

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    I consider myself lucky to be born in an Asian culture, except the part about parents being obsessive about grades. I can't deal with that.