I'm Hurting...and I need to Vent

I just want to take this time and type out emotions that I have suppressed over the years.

I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH AND WHINY TONE OF THIS POST. AS WELL AS FOR THE EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. I ALSO APOLOGIZE IF I OFFEND ANYBODY. I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR THE SMORGASBORD OF INFORMATION ON THIS POST.

I am a college student. I identify as a gay male (I have never liked females). I officially "came out" during this past summer, which was a surprise to everyone because I give off the stereotypically masculine vibe. My mom was perfectly accepting of me though :icon_bigg d

I guess I'm kind of going through a mid-life crisis...at age 21...

You see, I have problems with loneliness; I have never felt a strong sense of love and belonging in my life. I have throughout my life attached myself to one specific friend at a time (like really attached, in which I can be as vulnerable as I can be without the fear of getting stomped on), but I get really scared to lose such relationships and when I do, I feel huge self-blame, thoughts about how ugly I am, and others. Over the summer, I disconnected with my best friend, the first guy I came out to (he was straight and I had a crush on him). I did some really bad things to him (which I won't go into detail because of fear of judgement on this post). We got into a fight one night, and I yelled at him...he started crying, but then he tucked me into bed and gave me a kiss on the cheek (not in an intimate way). By the way, I apologize if this story seems vague or as if I'm not giving all parts of the story, because that would take for ever. After that, I felt so badly that I tried to kill myself.

At this point I think I need to give some more back story about myself. I was sexually abused by a cousin of mine when I was about five; and, if my memory is correct, I remember it continuing until I was 7; it took place during the summers when I visited my family for summer vacation in a different state. I must apologize for the scary details. I remember his telling me that "It's just practice," and that it was okay for him to do that. He touched my genitalia a lot; then he often proceeded to penetrate me. One point in my memory was his penetrating me with a ball-point pen; another memory of mine is his penetrating me by using a plastic bag as a condom. I never told anyone because a) I was afraid that nobody would believe, b) that I would be physically punished for letting it happen to me, and c) that other people would think I wanted it to happen.

Throughout my childhood, I performed gender in a more feminine manner, often hanging around girls a lot. My parents would constantly sanction me for doing so. If I stood with a limp wrist, my mother would slap me for it. My dad abused me physically quite a bit. For instance, he beat the living hell out of me with a belt for not looking both ways before crossing the street. There was one scary memory of mine in which I remember running through the house to get away from him while he was hitting me with a belt. At one point I remember looking in a mirror and seeing a belt mark across my back. This happened a lot, which was unfair because I was a sweet person when I was younger; I always did my school work; I was non-violent; I liked to play video games. I remember another time I accidentally offended my uncle by telling him his house was dirty; on the way home from my uncle's house, my dad made my mom sit in the back seat so he could physically slap the shit out of me while he was driving. He hit me a lot; and, I was terrified of him. In addition, I got into sexual relations with other individuals my age; my parents caught me on numerous occasions and beat the living shit out of me.

In 2003, I came home from school one day. The hospital called my mother and grandma and told them that my dad had gotten into an "accident." When we got to the hospital to see what was going on, we were told that my dad was electrocuted while he was at work and had died. I was not really hurt by my father's death because it meant that I didn't have to be terrified anymore. I did hurt a lot though because I would see my mother cry a lot; seeing her hurt always makes me hurt.

About a year after, my mother got into an intimate relationship with a drug dealer. At first everything was good until one morning I woke up; my mother and her boyfriend left somewhere in the car. When they came back, I looked out the window; they were arguing in the car. He grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head on the glove compartment...I won't go into detail on the rest. The abuse of my mother continued from when I was 10 to when I was about 16. The worst memory was being up at 5 a.m. in the morning; he drug her by her hair out of the living room and into a bedroom and proceeded to rape her. I witnessed it.... It's a hard memory to erase from my head; Even as a 21 year old it's hard to get that sound out of my head. I always felt like it was my job to protect my mom; but, I never did anything; I always heard kids saying "if someone hit my mom, I'd beat the shit out of them"...I never did that; so, I always felt like a coward. I felt like I should have been taking the hits, instead of my mom. I still feel that til this day. Sometimes he would wait...and abuse her while she was in the show. Til this day, even though I live about 50 miles away from my mom's house...I can still sometimes hear her scream while I'm in the shower; when I visited her last week, she called her cats to the kitchen so she could feed them; she say "come here" to the cats; I didn't hear that; I heard her scream my name for help. I also scare very easily. A lot of times, when a roommate of mine walks in the door, I jump.

I did have a boyfriend in high school: closeted. At least, I considered him my boyfriend. He considered me his best friend. We did everything together. When things got to be too much at my house, he would let me stay at his. But eventually, he just started using me basically as a sex slave. He used to tell me that I had a small penis...which I do.

I'm now in college. I am a straight A honors student; I am a research adviser at my university. But sadly, I always feel incomplete. The most hurtful thing is watching people walk around in groups; I get so jealous of people who are part of a group because, to me, being a part of a group is the pinnacle of belonging...and I have only felt that on a select few occasions; to me, the feeling of belonging feels safe, comforting, warm; and, I want that. I generally only have one friend at a time; and, if we disconnect, there is like a little kid inside of me that screams "Don't leave me! Don't leave me!" I really feel badly on Friday and Saturday nights because I know that those are the nights that everybody goes out partying and having a good time...while I'm stuck in my apartment doing homework.

But I have no close friends now...
I always see my self as ugly and fat. What gay man would want to be with me?
I'm scared to get in an intimate relationship with another man because I'm afraid that I'm too fat...
I'm always afraid to get in contact with other LGBTQ+ persons because I'm scared that they won't like me...
I have awful anxiety...especially in social situations.
I'm always scared to ask for help with my school work because I'm afraid I'll disappoint my professors.
I get envious of other people who have close friends.

I generally feel like everyone else around me is having the time of their lives, while I'm stuck in neutral...
It sucks because one day know that I can get out of my rut...and that I will one day...but I'll regret not enjoying my life now.

I have started developing frequent anxiety attacks for little things.
For instance, I was at the gym the last week (I work out a lot, running, bench pressing, etc.). I saw how good a lot of the guys looked and thought "why can't i look like that?" My anxiety started kicking in. I left the gym, and went to my car (I like to be alone when I have an attack so I don't embarrass myself). I kept telling myself how fat I was...then I started thinking about the fact that my honors thesis is due in a month and that I might fail it...then I started thinking about why I have no friends...I started answering this question with labels like "because I am ugly, self-centered, nasty, irresponsible, stupid, fat, unworthy". The most hurtful thought in my head was: "If I was truly worthy of love and belonging...I would have friends right now...and I wouldn't be alone..." I then wondered "why can't I connect with people?" I wanted to cry to let it out, but I couldn't, so I started punching myself in the face to make myself cry and let it out. I did cry...a lot. Afterward, I felt a little better...

Another instance that happened the other day; my mother had booked a cruise in July for herself and my little brothers; she was so excited that she finally had something to look forward to (my mother is low income and she never does anything fun). The other day, she found out she had lost her green card (she's an immigrant), which means she couldn't get a passport to get on the cruise. She was very hurt. When she called me to talk about it, I felt so bad for her because she's been through so much and it seems like she never gets a break. I felt like I should have forked out the money for her to get a new green card. I felt like I was responsible...I started crying and thinking that because I can't help her, I'm self centered and selfish...the reason why I don't have any friends...the reason I am not worthy of love and belonging...then I started thinking about all of the school work that I have to do...then I started thinking that I'm a narcissist...and it became this downward spiral that ended similarly to the previous example...

Nobody ever sees my hurt because I let it out when nobody is around...or I just play "happy" while I'm at work and school...or in front of everybody.

Part of me wants to feel better, but a part of me finds comfort in feeling the emotional pain...so then I just start saying bad things about myself again....

Another thing is that I am deathly terrified of ridicule...so much that I don't engage in the following list of activities because I'm afraid of being made fun of:

Turning up the volume on my headphones (because I'm afraid someone will hear what I'm listening to and make fun of me)
Singing
Dancing (which sucks because I do enjoy dancing a lot)
Wearing my favorite hat in public.
Talking with people about the aforementioned.
The list goes on and on....

I guess I just want someone to feel bad for me. Or I want someone to care. I feel like I've been through quite a bit. But, I feel stupid when I think that because I know everybody goes through their own struggles; so, I just feel like an entitled prick when worry about how hard life is because it feels like everyone says "get the fuck over it"...but it's not that easy....

It sucks because I don't deserve to feel bad! I am a sweet person!!!!

From the aforementioned, I have a question that I need cleared up:
I'm really scared to ask anybody on this forum about this question because I don't want to offend anybody....
I'm also scared of the answer I might get.

Am I gay because I was sexually abused as a child?
My therapist says "no," but I'm not convinced...

Thanks for listening