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Being put in the middle of boyfriend's family problems...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Estragon84, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. Estragon84

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    Ok... I need advice as to how to approach this situation, or just your general opinions. Long post alert, so I appreciate the time in advance.

    My boyfriend and his brother have a VERY strained relationship; so much so, in fact, that my boyfriend considers his brother an enemy. Growing up, my boyfriend's bro was really nasty to him, especially when my boyfriend came out to him. My bf has told me everything that's happened and it's bad/sad and it hurts me that he went through all of this.

    Now, I had never met his brother. Their mom is desperate that they have a relationship, especially now that my boyfriend just became an uncle. Basically, she just wants a united family, once again. From what their mom has confided in me, the brother really wants a relationship with his brother again (my bf).

    So the other day, my bf was having a get together at his house with myself and some of his friends. His mom was there and invited her son (my bf's brother) over with the baby. My bf was not happy when we pulled into his driveway. As I walked into the house, their mom called me up to show me the baby and then asked me to hold her... I was a little uneasy about it because of all of the tension and what not that I know exists between the siblings. However, she insisted and I eventually gave in. She was adorable... I love babies. Anywho, then the brother came out of nowhere and took a picture of me with the baby. Then we were finally introduced, by their mom, and it was overall a pleasant experience. He seemed nice and genuinely happy to meet me.

    Anyways, a few minutes later, he left with the baby and my bf was a little bothered, I could tell. Then people came over and the get together started so we focused on that and I kind of forget about the whole brother thing. Later on that night, on FB, I received a request from the brother and he posted the picture he took of me with the baby. I sent him a pleasant message and figured that was that.

    So a day later, I'm talking to my bf and it turns out that he's really bothered that this all went down. My boyfriend feels that his brother "doesn't deserve to meet me". He feels that his brother has no business being in his life because of the past... it's not that my bf is closed off to having a relationship, but his brother has never apologized to him for what happened in the past. My bf has given him chance after chance only to be let-down time and again.

    As my bf explained it, even his closest friends have either never met his brother of have, but in the most casual of instances. (Granted, they don't know the extent of the past, but they know the relationship is strained). Basically, they all ignore him. Now the way I see it, I could have ignored him too... friend request, the face-to-face meet, but I was essentially thrust into that by his mom (I didn't tell my bf this because I didn't want to place blame on anyone)... but yeah, I think I was unfairly put in the middle of all of this because the mom really wants them to be close again and really wants them to meet me but my boyfriend is still really hurt and didn't want this to happen. I just went along because I felt wrong just ignoring the brother completely (I know what's happened, but he's never done anything to me and to be rude or dismissive of him, I feel, would have been wrong). I told my boyfriend this and I don't think he was all too happy. I know, essentially, my allegiance lies with my bf, but I also don't want to be unjust or unfair. His bf has tried sabotaging past relationships with friends in the past, and I think my bf is scared that he'll try to do the same with me... I explained to my bf that the only way my opinion of him will change is if he does something that hurts me directly, but I don't think he took that to heart...

    I feel like I did the wrong thing by, essentially, allowing the brother into my life, but it was all so sudden, I just acted on instinct... so what do I do? How do I proceed? Was I being insensitive not taking the past into account and just ignoring him? Ay... I'm just really confused.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Oh man, do I ever recognize that dynamic!

    I had always gotten along quite well with my wife's parents, even after the separation, we aren't talking now, but I haven't heard anything negative from them (to my face, that is...this latter point is important, by the way).

    It was always a point of contention between my wife and I whenever she got into a disagreement with her parents, her mother especially, which was often. I was constantly being accused of not standing up for her against her parents. I didn't want to meddle or create something worse by doing so. Immensely unfair to me to be sure (I would never expect that of her against my own parents).

    So the question is, how far do you go in defending and protecting your BF from his own family's onslaughts against him? You feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and there is no winning either way.

    This desperation to get siblings to get along was also part of her family's dynamic. My wife and one of her sisters never got along, but their mother desperately tried to get them together, usually via the grandchildren. Take if for what it's worth, but I now see this as a ploy by the mother to get the relationship going again (there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes in any family, and it is sometimes difficult for a newcomer to discern all of these).

    In all of this, as in many things, communication will be key. I said above that my in-laws didn't ever say anything negative to me to my face, but my son overheard them talking about me, not in a nice way, and very much upsetting him.

    I don't know what his brother is up to, but given the history, I would be wary of trusting him. The less contact you keep, the better. Explain to your BF that you were taken off guard by his mother's tactics and that, in future, you will keep your distance or keep things pleasant but superficial. Tell hill how you feel about being put in that position (use those words, "being put in that position") and that you really feel it's unfair to you.

    He needs to see the situation from your point of view, while also feeling reassured that you won't succumb to any of their schemes to tear you apart. Tell him that this is a common issue among couples, so, before seeing them again, set some ground rules and boundaries as to what he expects from you and what is unreasonable.

    There is the remote possibility that your BFs brother is too proud to apologize and that maybe the holding the baby thing and FB photo was a way of reconciliation...hard to say. I would be more convinced if it was something that repeats in the future. Until then, be wary!
     
    #2 greatwhale, Oct 7, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2013
  3. AKTodd

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    Hm. You mention that your BF has given his brother multiple chances to apologize. Any idea what those 'chances' looked like exactly? Because while it's certainly possible that the brother is up to something or too proud to apologize, I can't help wondering if he's something as simple as just being clueless. In other words, does he even know what your BF is mad at him about? Does he actually know he's even mad at him?

    I ask, because if the brother is clueless about why your BF is mad at him (or really doesn't even realize it - depending on what form this anger takes) then your BF could be waiting a long time for an apology.

    It can be surprising the sort of castles in the air that family can build around how they perceive the actions of other family members. Obviously I can't know for sure that something like that is happening here. But it seemed like a possibility to throw out for consideration.

    Todd
     
  4. Incognito10

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    Essentially, the past is the past. If the brother has ceased the behavior that was practiced in the past, I would think your BF needs to relent some. I am not at all trying to minimize any pain he is still feeling because I know that forgiveness isn't always easy, especially when people have treated us bad and the wounds still exist. I have had similar pain in my family due to some pretty harsh comments directed toward me and I still actually feel the pain and struggle with it. However, if I detect that people are trying to redeem themselves, I'll feel more prone to lighten up on them.
    I do not see anything wrong with your actions. You were simply trying to keep the peace which is the right thing to do; it would have been extremely tacky if you were to treat someone poorly during a family get-together. If your BF has that much of an issue with his brother, he needs to not attend family get-togethers until he (and his brother) have worked through the issues privately.
     
  5. Estragon84

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    Thanks all for the input... it really helps me a lot.

    Greatwhale: given what I know of the situation, I think being polite and cautious (as you said) is the best way to approach this for now. I feel that it'd be wrong of me to treat him badly or indifferently given that I'm essentially an outsider in all of this. From what I saw, he seemed genuine when we met. Whatever problems he has with my bf are between them and all I can really do is just step aside and support my bf when he needs it.

    AKTodd: Without going into too much detail, he made my bf's life a literal hell right before he came out, during, and after... I'm talking verbal abuse, physical abuse and a lot of family issues ensued... my bf's brother is very well aware of what the issues are and has never acknowledged them or even made an attempt to apologize. I know my bf tried reintroducing his brother into his life but his brother would always do something else or act a certain way to further damage that bond. It's my opinion that he wants to start a relationship again, but is too scared to take the first step... and I would be too after everything he did. My bf is still distrusting of this most recent attempt, so we'll see what happens.

    Incognito: Nice penguin! Agreed... I told my boyfriend (as nicely as I could) that even though this all happened, it wouldn't be right of me to just eschew him. Like I said before, I'll be polite/pleasant and what not. When I met his brother, I saw someone trying to genuinely get to know me. I told my bf this: It's my impression that he's trying to make amends by showing interest in my bf's life again but my bf wants him to acknowledge the past, discuss it, and apologize before he allows him to become part of it again, which I can see.

    My parents' marriage was destroyed by family meddling, so (thankfully) I think I've learned how to mitigate the influence of family on a relationship... it just sucks because I know it's really hard for my bf and he still struggles with what his brother did because, emotionally speaking, it really did a number on him.