Some people are just so good at making friends left and right. Not only are they good at making friends, they make good friends too, ones that take root and last for a long time. For some reason, my friends just don't stick all that well. Maybe it's that I'm kind of quiet, or that I try not to be too forward for fear of looking needy or clingy, but things just always seem to fall through with new people. Even my close friends aren't all that close with me. They're bound to me because of our past, but even when they make plans there's never a guarantee that I'll be included for one reason or another. They don't usually think to invite me unless they run into me accidentally. Maybe they think I have other things to do? Still, it would be nice to not have to invite myself, because after all, there's always the possibility that they're not inviting me for a reason. I just don't know anymore, should I just accept my solitude instead of trying to combat it? It's just so tiring, I can't keep dwelling on this. I've tried changing things and letting people know that I'd like to hang out with them, but I guess I just don't have the right elements in my life right now. This doesn't make any sense, I'm so confused... my mind goes in circles when I try to figure out what I'm doing wrong, or if it's others doing wrong to me. I just don't know... I really don't.
I have never had a lot of friends. Now that I am 27, I can say I have only two people who I actually consider friends and put trust in plus my partner. Then, there is the "rest" who are nice people and I will have good casual conversation with, but not what I consider a true bond. A lot of it comes from my introverted nature and shyness--I am a very shy and quiet person. There were times in high school when I had no friends.
I have a good amount of friends from all different areas of my life. The funny thing is that I generally like to be alone. But when I'm ready to party, it's always nice to have options. The key, I think, is to make friends from work, friends from some interest your have, friends from some sport you play, friends at places you frequent. You'll always know somebody. Keeping your friends interested in you is a matter of being interesting. What are you doing in the world that's interesting? Conversation is also important when it comes to friends and knowing how to have it. It's generally a 50/50 endeavor, give or take. You need to be able to speak with people, including listening to things when it isn't interesting and being able to recognize on your friend's face when something you're saying isn't interesting so you can wrap up whatever thing you're saying. My common goal in a friend is always good conversation and a humor, in that order. If you have both, you're an awesome friend. For people to like you, rather, what I look for, is someone with character. Doers instead of sayers. Also, people that have views, opinions, beliefs - even if I don't agree with them. It's just attractive for someone to have some knowledge and a place in the world. If you work on who you are, people will naturally be attracted to you and will want to be around you. Also..I personally like to be the clown sometimes, without being a clown, if that makes sense. Sometimes you have to be the show and entertain people. Let yourself go and have fun and you'll be fun. Good luck buddy.
I am in the exact same situation, so I would say I know what you're feeling. If some of my self reflection helps: Because I feel embarrassed that I don't have many friends, I find myself interacting with friends as if I have loads of other good friends - playing hard to get, having a 'too cool to care' attitude - such that I give the impression that if I didn't have their friendship, I'd be okay with my other (sadly, non-existent) friends. I also neglect to put in concerted and conscious effort to maintain friendships. Beyond just suggesting that I'd like to hang out with someone, I've never actively extended the invitation to do so, waiting on others to make the first move. I feel somewhat needy if I'm extending the invitation, which I know is completely absurd. My strategy of finding friends, I think, has been wrong all along too. I've cast my net far too wide for fear of missing a friendship opportunity. I try to be friends with everyone, but in the end, I'm friends with no one. I used to have unrealistic expectations of being able to devote enough time to maintain that many friendships. These points all point to one weakness for me - fear of how others perceive me, and fear of missing out. It's taken me a while to get to that realisation, but knowing that, I'm trying to recognise when I'm succumbing to that fear, and working actively against it and putting myself out there.
Social anxiety is the main reason I haven't had any friends besides my brother since the end of elementary school. There was this one girl I was buddies with, then junior high happened, we never saw each other, and I've been lost ever since. I don't remember having SA before junior high, so maybe this was was the whole thing that started unlocking it? I think during high school, I was fine not having any friends, and people did sometimes talk with me, but I never started conversations. While talking with them I became more comfortable and my true personality would come out more. But all in all, I kept to myself and hid in the bathroom at lunch cause it was just too much for me and didn't want to face possible rejection from people not allowing me to sit with them and stuff. Now that I've been outta high school for two and half years now and all by myself (except for my cats and every few weeks my brother comes over) I do sometimes feel a little lonely and wish I could just talk to people and go out in the world without having to prepare myself mentally and just live life. Like, striking up a conversation with some random person waiting at a bus stop with me or something-why does it seem so impossible? I think my personality and everything's alright. Me and my brother are always talking, laughing it up and just having a good time when we hang out. Even if I somehow got to talking with someone and we somehow became friends, I don't know...I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to maintain the friendship somehow. Just thinking about it makes it feel like there's a lot of pressure...It's not really like that with my brother. There's no pressure, no expectations that I feel like there would be with other people... But I think I've realised what exactly it is that triggers my social anxiety: fear of what others think I guess. I'm always saying to myself "eff what other people think I can wear what I want, walk outside just to walk, etc." but even though I believe this, I somehow still think subconsciously or something that people are judging me. But I know that I really don't care yet somehow I still do! It doesn't make sense! I'm working on myself. I'm trying to squash those ridiculous fears and learn to get them out of my head. If I can do that, maybe someday I can meet people's eyes without fear and be able to say hi and maybe even chat with them without any anxiety at all. That's one of my dreams.
