I'm having some massive problems right now, and I just don't know what to do about it. I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the past 2 years, and I can't stop cutting my arms. I'm really depressed and anxious pretty much all the time, and my body dysphoria has gotten to the point where I feel like I just want to cut my... stuff... off. I've got no friends at my school, I'm the only goth, and I'm the only non-christian there (its a christian private school). I have no idea what my religious beliefs are, and just thinking about it gives me anxiety attacks because I'm terrified that i'll die before I decide, and something horrible will happen to my spirit (if I even have one). I finally talked to my mom about this, even though it wasn't by choice (she walked in on me cutting), she said she would find me a therapist, and that I didn't have to go to a christian one (she sent me to a christian one last time and I hated it). I'm just so scared right now... I don't want to keep on living, but I'm too scared to kill myself... I hate myself so much I don't really know I'm was looking for posting this here, I guess if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with it, that would be good.
As far as your eternal soul is concerned, do try to relax. It might insult a few to say this, but some of religious teaching is fear-tactics. If you don't do this, this, and this, you'll go to Hell. I don't believe it works that way. Work for good in the world to the best of your ability; that's all a loving god can ask of a flawed human. Do the other students judge/bully you for dressing goth? Because if so, that's pretty lousy. But again, a problem with them-- you have the same right to be treated with kindness that they do. I can't really help you with dysphoria, except to say look forward to the day when you can get it fixed the right way without having to chop things off yourself. You may be free of genitals that don't belong to you, but in their place will be an enormous wound on an area packed with nerves and blood vessels, not good. Lastly, lean on your mom. She sounds great. You know her better than I do, but changing therapists based on your personal discomfort with a Christian one sounds like pure love to me. Don't forget to thank her. You might be able to draw on that inexhaustible, selfless love she has for you enough that you might love yourself someday. <3
Thanks It's good to hear from someone about this, what you said about being a good person, that makes sense, and i'll try to keep doing that. It's hard when i've got crazy social anxiety, but i'll try. Other people at my school don't really bully me as much as they shun me. They exclude me from everything,and won't talk to me unless they absolutely have to. Yeah, I love my mom. My dad is really annoying, he can be kinda funny sometimes but for the most part he's really irrational and strict, but my mom is really nice Thanks again for the reply
I am too familiar with this. That was how it went for me too. Not because I dressed/looked different, but maybe because I sort of did it to them back I didn't really try to make friends with people, sort of expecting it to just happen. But when I did try, we never really connected well so neither of us cared enough to keep it up. It led to lots of loneliness, but that's okay as long as I had some amount of social interaction to keep me sane. Happy to help you a little bit though, nice to see the smilies
