It's been one of those nights, my heads full of thoughts and none of them are good. I feel like somehow i screw everything up. My work is giving me shit, I feel as though my friends don't care and I just don't feel like I have accomplished anything meaningful. I haven't even got out of my work clothes. I think i'm finally giving up on the bi sexual thing and going with gay and I hate it. All my life I just wanted to be happy and make other people happy now I am something some people consider degenerate. I want a relationship it's really hard because of the way i have been conditioned. I don't like to be the center of attention and it seems as though a same sex couples attracts a lot of attention. I just don't want to be weird. I wish I was stronger, I very rarely stand up for myself, I am not a good friend sometimes I could do better. It seems as though sometimes people just don't understand me and I piss them off inadvertently, I'm always the other friend not the best friend. I try to help my friends out when they need, I could be a better listener though (i'm trying). I don't think i have been able to be myself ever in my whole life. Every time I try to i get rejected. I'm in my own head most of the time, it's safer there. I can be myself there. You know i do believe I have lost who I really am. I just wish i could go to sleep an never wake up. I know i am in control of my own life, but I am just so God damn sad I'm paralyzed i just want someone to accept me for me not just my sexuality but my personality in general. I know i kinda rambled this was more for me just to vent. Sorry to sound so needy, I try not to burden others with this bs, but i needed to get it out.
Hey there first off, you're welcome to vent! That's one of the great things about forums, also the fact that you're not alone. A lot of what you have said is similar to how I feel most of the time. I wish there was an easy solution but there really isn't one. You have accepted that you're gay and not bi (that's a big step so well done) and you need to just not care what others think about that. It's your life after all. Not all friends are good friends, and not all people deserve friends like you who are willing to help them out. Don't beat yourself up over not being what you consider to be an ideal friend. You are who you are, and if they're not willing to be a close friend for you, you don't owe it to them either. I wish you luck, keep your chin up and you'll find someone caring and understanding, I'm sure of that
Sorry you're having a rough night, I hope that venting gave you some relief of this burden. Sexuality is one very small part of who you are. You aren't reduced to your label. By hating yourself and your label and boxing yourself in, you are limiting your potential to be a loving open person. Strength comes from within; try to find what is holding you back from loving yourself and then maybe you can love others. Same-sex couples attract attention sometimes, but sometimes they don't. Certain neighborhoods have such a high concentration of same-sex couples you almost stand out if you're a straight couple. When my girlfriend and I go out to dinner people probably assume we're friends. That is, until I touch her arm or touch her cheek. But you'd be surprised how little people really pay attention to strangers. While I'm sure your friends care and notice you, unless you're very conspicuous strangers are bound to be completely oblivious.
Thanks for the kind words. You know I just didn't think I would end up like this I'm 25, single and have only had one real relationship and that was with a women who in the end I wasn't really attracted to. I thought for sure I would at least have a direction but alas I have none. I work retail, share a house with three other guys and have lost all motivation. I'm a hard worker and know if I focused I could achieve anything i want. I just haven't figured out what that is. Part of me says just be happy with what you have and the other part says live your dreams. I really don't care about money and I do Ok With what i make now. I would love to do something helping people. I just feel like because I'm gay and a little more emotional than other guys that this makes me some how weak and weird. Granted I'm not real campy most people would never guess I'm gay. I have even heard some of my friends say that gay people are creepy and not natural and that there not gay really just bi. Fuck that. Right now all I can think about is how I don't want to be alone tonight. I'd call my family but I don't want to bug them, plus my mom has no idea I'm gay and would probably flip.
I am right there in the same boat with you. I currently live with my aunt and uncle (who don't know that I'm bi). The only family members I've told are a couple cousins and my siblings. Everyone else I've told are just close friends. I've floated in retail for the last 6 years at Home Depot just trying to figure things out, assuming that once I knew what I wanted to pursue, I would and everything would be worth it in the end. I'm still of that mindset but most nights it leads me to sitting in my room alone and playing video games, chatting with my siblings or bestie who all live in different states than me, or chatting on here I'm still trying to wrap my head around my sexuality and thus far have learned that it's one complicated issue. But as long as you have those people you feel you can talk to, vent to, or just need a hug, you'll be just fine in the long run.
I know how you feel i work a some-what good job. But it's not the best i still live at home with my parents and older brother they don't know i'm gay and like your mom would probably flip out. And on top of that have like zero friends. So yeah it can be rough but we have to stick through it.
For God's sake...let me remember always to be kind to the people who keep these places running; who keep the jobs that no one notices and who put on a smiling face to a customer when that is the last thing they feel like doing. Reading your post reveals to me just how deep these waters run. All the struggles of discovering who we are and the deep sadness that comes from realizing we are not who we thought we should be...realizing that we will never quite "fit in". And so there's tonight, and every other tonight that follows...well you're here anyway, in a forum of like souls who know what it is you're going through. It's a poor substitute for real life, but at least it's a beginning. Stay a while will you?
Thanks once again for the kind replies it's good to know you guys are here. I just can't seem to place my self with any group. I'm sexually attracted to men as well as emotionally but i don't want everything that goes with that. As far as my personality day to day I am a typical straight 25 year old male. Am a bit emotinal though. Not overly feminine but not really your typical manly man. I just am not really attracted to women sexually at all, I kept this idea going though if I found the right one it would work. Would the right one ever come though? Just don't know. My only real love has been two of my best friends. My current one is a great guy and I can easily connect with him but I know deep down he's straight. The one before that was a bit more complicated as I really didn't even realize I loved him until he was out of my life. We had actually had messed around a little. The worst part about it is I realized he was in love with me recently and I had inadvertently hurt him I think. He distanced himself quickly and there no chance of fixing it. I would love to but i thinks it's impossible, plus he's still in the closet as well. As far as a career I really don't know still. I'm very interested in psychology and philosophy,I want to know more about our existence and whats behind consciousness. I like religions especially the eastern ones. I was also very good with computers at one time. I had my Cisco and MCSE certifications but never went any further. My job now has room for advancement but the day to day is brutal, I've never really been the type for this kind of work. I'm not the best at dealing with impersonal judgement and being in lower management requires that of me. I can't help seeing the lives behind the eyes of my employees everyone of them brings something different to the table and I really can't think of one i dislike. So i'm terrible at dealing with the poor performers because I really can't help but understand their side. So here I am . On the internet wasting time after work trying to figure what I want to do with my day off tomorrow. Mainly just trying to figure out why i'm on this planet in the first place. Hopefully this becomes more clear.
