Hey guys, Long story short, I like this straight guy, he is my best friend, and I want to....how should I say, distance myself away from him. We met about two years ago, and almost spend everyday either in class, online or outside of class just doing social things. I've become very dependent on him, emotionally and long for his presence. Yes, I've had my fair share of holding hands, locking eyes, the list of endless compliments from him as well as conversations about gay life in general- which he considers is fine. (Btw I'm not out, he just brings up gay stuff when we talk for some reason). Because of our close friendship many have likened us to a couple, and shipped us, creating stories of us 'doing it', and suggesting we should be together. He seems utterly indifferent from this, but continues to be touchy, feely. I am NOT questioning his sexuality. I am going to believe his straight. I dont want to be one of those people who has a warped perception of reality based on what I want it to be. I want to spend less time with him. But how is it possible when we are in most classes together? When he waits for me outside class? When he texts me and messages me everyday with his winks and suggesting messages? Whenever I make new friends, he makes it a point to know them, and eventually I have no other group I can go to. He is it. My only. I don't want to distance myself from him. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't know. But if anyone truly knows how torn I feel and how emotionally dependent I am on him, I think you will sympathise. I need some space but I don't want to compromise our friendship. He is my only friend at college at the moment...
Sorry I might be missing the obvious, but I don't want to be presumptuous either. Is the reason you want to distance yourself because: "I "like" this straight guy" Just want to be sure. My general thoughts for any case in the mean time: My suggestion wouldn't be to completely get him out of your life (at least right away). Just start easing yourself anyway from him. Get some new friends over time and they should start filling in some of the space (that which they can) this guy leaves as you get distance from him. I think once he's not the centre of your social life there is a chance you'll no longer want to forget him. Maybe you can just remain friends. Just start off by letting him know that because your spending so much time with him your not making other friends and you'd like some time to meet other people. (Or something to that effect that suites your friendship with him) To me it sounds like you are close friends. Chances are he will understand and want to be supportive, he will likely be disappointed but if he is a true friend he may just end up understanding in time.
I think in this case it's important to at least acknowledge the possibility that he might be harboring feelings for you instead of just trying to distance yourself from him. What if he gets hurt by you distancing yourself from him? He probably would feel hurt in any case, even if he is 100% straight, it sounds like he cares about you as a friend. Instead, just make new friends while continuing to have a strong friendship with this guy. I know that this is a confusing situation, but it isn't worth losing a friend over. Friends are rare finds.
Hi, thanks for your response! It is true. The reason why I want to distance myself is because I like my straight friend to the point that I am emotionally dependant, and it's rather unhealthy and obsessive. Thanks for your suggestions! I too think it's the only way that I can combat this situation. I've made a few friends now seeing as I have one subject I don't do with him. Hopefully I will be able to divert some of my attention in this way. However I'm a bit concerned about telling him that we spend too much time together. This guy is the most friendliest, down to earth guy. I wouldn't want to even in the slightest plant a seed of doubt in his mind that I dislike him. He can be rather emotional, and I feel that it wouldn't be best if I do it this way. But I certainly will try to talk to more people I guess, which will help me divert my attention. Thank you. ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 08:39 PM ---------- Hi, thank you for your response! Yes definitely, this was and is a major concern for me. I have felt so selfish even of the thought of distancing myself away from him all because I have feelings him and he will never like me back. Yeah and a true friend is a friend for life. I would say he is my best friend. He is someone not only who is kind but is trustworthy. He has taught me many things in life, and it's just a shame that I act so self-centred because of my emotions. As I mentioned above, I have made some more friends, who i believe will NOT necessarily help me distance myself away from him, RATHER help divert my mind to new things. So basically ill still hang with him like i usually do, but with more people in my life, ill probably be able to hang with others after uni, etc as opposed to just him. I'm curious however to what you mean by "he may be harbouring feelings for me?". If you mean that he may actually like me, I kind of ruled that out. What are the chances? He has never had a girlfriend, but I guess my gaydar is just telling me he is not gay. And hence, part of the reason why I'm so sure of his sexuality, and want to divert my attention away from him, in the belief that nothing will amount to our relationship, in my favour.
This is a hard situation I was in love with my best friend for 4 years. She gave all the signals...we would hold each other..she's kiss me...all of it. It still ended badly. It is still possible that he may have some feelings or maybe not. I think it would be a bit unfair to him to not say why you are distancing yourself. He will definitely wonder. You can briefly say some thing about how you need some time alone for a bit or if you want you can tell him the full truth "I am starting to like you and I know you're straight so I would like to be apart for a bit so that I could get these thoughts out of my head". I wish you all the best! (*hug*)
Let me ask a question. If you found out that he actually did like you, would you want a relationship with him or do you think you still wouldn't be able to handle the relationship? I think the best way to do this without hurting / loosing him is to talk to him about it. You could tell him, or at least hint to him, about how you feel, and that it's hurting you on the inside because you're becoming depressed. At this point, he would probably say that he still cares about you and nothing will change the friendship even though he doesn't feel the same way.... he would probably be fine with it and accept that you need some space. The other (unlikely, as you've mentioned) possibility is that he actually tells you that he has feelings for you too. In this case, you would need to decide what to do based on the answer to the question I asked at the beginning of this post. Either way, I'm sure you'll be fine as long as you avoid depressing dependence on this friend
Hi thanks for taking the time to reply to this! Yes I share your feelings. It's really nice that I have people on here who are experiencing similar situations, whom I can vent to. I don't think I have enough courage to tell him I like him however. Although, I have been trying to make more friends and in general trying to divert my attention on other things instead of unhealthily thinking about him all the time. It has come to the point that sometimes...I sit with other people in class, and speak more to other guys. He has even introduced me to his friend, whom I've hit it off with quite well, and he has been questioning me on whether I meet with him or not. So i can sense that he is feeling the distance somehow. I just hope I don't overdo it... ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2013 at 01:10 AM ---------- Hey thanks for your input! I think in the very unlikely situation that he does like me back, I could see myself initiating and pursuing something with him. But the whole reason why I don't really want to spend great time with him, is because I pretty much think he is straight, and it's unhealthy for my emotions to keep on being with him. I think for now, telling him is a 'no go zone' for me because its risky. I rather impose a burden on myself as opposed to make him feel awkward in the event that he doesn't take the news so well. I've tried 'hinting' to him before, always complimenting how 'buff' he is, complimenting his body and intelligence, dropping a casual tap and caress here and there, putting forward my views on gay sexuality and how I'm all for it etc. All of this btw, I've forced myself to stop doing. I won't deny, he HAS been doing the same things, if not initiating them! But yeah, It is probably just wishful thinking to believe he could ever reciprocate feelings....after all straight guys joke a lot like this too. But yes, I'll keep updated (hopefully) about how I am emotionally (if that's really a concern for people or if people just want to know haha).
By the way you described the situation it sounded like it could be a possibility. I mean, I'm not trying to induce wishful thinking in you, but you did say he brings up homosexuality a lot, right? A lot of people do that when they're trying to figure out whether or not it would be safe to come out to their friends. Then again, I'm can't really judge for myself because I don't know this guy so... I'm just saying it's a possibility.
Yeah one could take this situation this way. Either that, or he's finding out whether I'm into guys or not. It's funny because in our relationship, I find that I'm the more bubbly, boisterous one, always the one asking his views on stuff, asking him questions. I was actually taken aback when he asked me my view on gay marriage, since he like rarely asks questions, let alone ones like those.
