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Married and Gay what should I do?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by tommyj, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. tommyj

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    Hello I'm 36 years old. I have a feeling that I may be gay. I'm married with two children (6 and 8). I love my wife, but I don't feel romantic with her anymore. Does that even make sense. I think I have been gay since I was about 16, but I have been trying to overcome it and carry on living a normal life.

    For the last couple of weeks I feel like I have been living a lie and I think it starting to hit me emotionally that I may be gay. I feel like I'm lying to my wife. I don't want to hurt her, I love my children more than anything and I'm afraid that I loose them if I "come out".
    I haven't been able to sleep for almost two weeks and it's getting to the point where I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

    Another area that I'm worried about is that we are very active in my church and I still am wrestling with can Christians be gay. Wow I sound complicated. I'm sorry to ramble on, but I think that this site is the only place where I can get advice at the moment.

    The questions facing me are do continue living my life as a "happy" family in order not to break up my family or do I "come out" and see where it leads me? Can you be Christian and gay? Will all my church friends shun me not nessariely because I'm gay, but this might mean the end of my marriage?

    Any thoughts, suggestions and general advise would be most welcome. Thank you in advance.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi tommyj and welcome to EC!

    May I suggest you check out the LGBT Later in Life section?

    You may find a lot of information on others in your situation. You have come to the right place!
     
  3. tommyj

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    Makes sense I didn't see that area, a mod can move my thread if they desire.

    Thanks for the advise
     
  4. blueberrymuffin

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    I'm only half your age but here's how i see it. "Going crazy" is not going to help you sort out these feelings that you've kept repressed. Have you thought of therapy? You've been together a while and there's a lot at stake so unless you are *absolutely sure* that you're gay, take a couple weeks or whatever to figure it out.

    We can't literally tell you what to do, especially with kids that age. You have responsibilities and you have rights. Ideally, you could talk to your wife about it and come to an arrangement that's best for the kids, your relationship, and your own desires. This might involve a divorce now or down the road.

    If this happens, don't despair. You have rights to see your kids still. My uncle came out after 20 years and 3 kids. He's still active in their lives, but he's also with a guy now and is divorced from her. However, she was rather understanding in other ways. They stayed together as basically non-intimate companions for a few years, for the kids' sake. She seems to appreciate his honesty and they are still "friends."

    It's possible to be gay and religious. I can't predict how your church would react. It could go smoothly or you could find another, more accepting church (there are tons now).
     
  5. tommyj

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    What kind of therapist would I go to? A general counselor or are there ones that specialize in helping sort this kind of stuff out?
     
  6. Choirboy

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    Welcome, tommyj. As greatwhale suggested, check out the "LGBT Later in Life" section, and you will be completely shocked at the number of people in exactly your situation. It's not an easy thing to go through, but we are all there for each other. There are people from their late 20's all the way to their 70's, and among us are a church organist/choir member (me!) and a pastor, many of us married with kids, facing the same questions you are. Read through some of our posts, and you will feel much less alone.

    Can't speak to the therapy questions, but without a doubt, there are people here who can. Welcome!
     
  7. junior

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    Welcome tommiej. I went through the exact same thing. 20 yrs of misery all because I was doing what pleased others (the church) and not what made me happy. There were times I wouldn't touch her or be romantic for weeks because I really wanted a man. So afr being in and our of the relationship we decided to part after which I took a while year of soul searching and decided to do what made me happy and that was accept me being bi.
    As far as the church I believe in the God of my understanding not religious beliefs with it's laws do's & don'ts. I believe that God loves us for who we are and the way we are and it's in His timing to rid us of our sexual desires 'cause He placed them in us. It's on Him to deliver but until then I'm gonna continue to do what makes me happy through the convictions and all.
     
  8. Rose27

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    Hi I'm one of the "old" folks from Later in Life forum area!
    Welcome! (*hug*)
     
  9. palimpsest

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    Welcome tommyj. I am the pastor that Choirboy was talking about. Glad I went fishing through the forums tonight.

    First, I'm married, two kids, not questioning my orientation any more. I'm gay, came to accept this about myself in July. Has done wonders for clearing up my own physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. It, of course, has not solved all of my problems. There are still hard questions and decisions to be made, but, as you will see floating around. It does get better. That road begins with you and how you answer the "might be" dilemma. I would suggest that you take greatwhale's advice and hang out with us on the LBGT in Later Life forum. Talk it out. Say it out loud, even if just virtually. It will help clear your head a bit I think.

    So I will take a stab at the gay and christian thing quickly too (but feel free to hit me up on my wall and we can just talk about what's really concerning you). Mind you, I don't have all of the answers, I have a lot of my own questions. I just got to a point where I was finally able to face and accept that it was time to retire the "I might be" part of the sentence, I'm gay.

    Can you be attracted to guys and still believe in Jesus Christ. Yes. Can you begin, as I have, to desire to have a relationship that fits like no other, which is only going to happen for me with a guy and believe in Jesus Christ. Yes. Can you love God with all your heart mind and soul while being gay, I believe so. Can you love your neighbor as yourself while being gay, I believe so if: you love yourself. Can you love yourself enough to face that you might gay? I don't know, that is your question to answer. If you hold to the first two things, loving God and your neighbor, you fulfill the law. What does it get you, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Christianity is not about the law, something the church has forgotten and we are the group of people who are paying the price. Christianity is about none of us being good enough on our own. It is about all of humanity's tendency of self love at the cost, exploitation and misuse of others. When that happens, there is also faulty love for God. God's love is not faulty. It is not conditionally based on following any law (though Christians do strive to get better at loving and serving when they are taking their faith into the light of day). It is about faith that God does not abandon any of us despite of our constant tendency to abandon others. Want to know something funny? I see more unconditional love of neighbor and strangers, encouragement and love here than I have seen in practice in many congregations. So yes, it is possible. Can you still live by faith and say to yourself "I'm gay," why not? As to God's people shunning the wrong folk, look no farther than the parable of the good samaritan and the way that virtually all the prophets were put to death.

    In short, sorry I know that is not the case, but I'm in preacher mode, you are in the right place, which ever forum on EC that you hang out in. Is God ok with you? I believe so. For what it is worth, I'm ok with you too!
     
  10. tommyj

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    Wow I'm amazed at he support and response that I have been receiving here in the two days that I've joined. Being able to express my thoughts and emotions have helped me start this journey. I want to thank all of you as you have offered encouragement and support. I still don't know what he future holds but I know that I can run my thoughts and ideas here.

    Pal, I want to especially thank you for your thoughts on Christianity. I would love to talk to you more privately more about this. My faith and family are so closely bound together I feel that if I can sort out how God sees me I can do what I need to do. I was worried that by admitting that I'm gay that I would loose my relationship with him and if I do have to leave my wife I would be utterly alone. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to be alone and go though all of this stuff.
     
  11. bassmaster

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    Welcome tommyj! Glad you decided to join us here. You are far from alone. I could have written your post word for word. I struggled with the same questions you are facing. I am currently not out. I came out to my wife several years ago but jumped right back in the closet. I can tell you the feelings don't go away and only get stronger. All of the physical and emotional exhaustion you spoke of will also continue. I'm at a point where I'm so run down that I can hardly muster up the strength to tell her again, once and for all, I'm gay!! Thanks to people here I'm slowing gaining momentum.
    Got a little off track there..but I wanted to mention I too struggled with church and homosexuality. Can I love God and be gay? Yes. After all God doesn't make mistakes does he? We all serve a purpose! I'll leave the pastoring to Palimpsest but one thing that gets me to ranting about the church is they teach we are not currently under the "law" or better known as the old testament but rather God's grace. Hence the reason Jesus came to die for our sins. Yet where do they pull from to condemn homosexuality. The old testament. I'll stop there as I begin to feel my blood pressure creep up a bit. There is a great article that's worth reading regarding this very topic. I will also post another article this has more of a humorous twist but to the point. Possibly these will help you with your struggle between church and sexuality.

    The Great Debate | The Gay Christian Network




    On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S. man and posted on the Internet.

    Dear Dr. Laura,

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God, if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football, if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
    Your adoring fan.
    James M. Kauffman, Ed. D. Professor Emeritus,
    Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia
     
  12. tommyj

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    Thank you bass. It's good to know that I'm not alone. I feel that I got married and stayed married to maintain that this is what is suppose to be normal and acceptable. I have been so unhappy for years and when people ask me what's wrong I have to lie or make something up. I do enjoy the company of my wife and I do have love for her. I adore my children and love hem with everything I have and I can't imagine my life with out them. I just want to do what's right. I guess this is the first steps i. Figuring that out. I have not uttered a word about any of this to anybody in my life and this place has been great for me to realize that I'm not alone and there are people that are interested helping me be the person god created me to be.
     
  13. bassmaster

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    Your so...not alone. We are alike in many ways with regard to our situations and reasons for doing what we've done for so many years. I'm not sure what "happy" even is anymore. But I am learning everyday that acceptance is not my problem it's theirs. And leaving my wife I'm not destroying the marriage but actually fixing it. For both of us. Tho this will probably not be apparent to her in the beginning :wink: You can definitely use EC as your starting point. Talk it out or feel free to message me sometime. Is there someone you can think of that you could tell? Possibly a female first?? They tend to be a little more compassionate. It helps! It really does. Only you know when you are ready for that tho. Until then, we are all here to help each other.
     
  14. tommyj

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    Actually I just found that my first girlfriend, who is gay works in NYC about 20 blocks from my work. We haven't seen each other in 15 years. I asked her if we could have coffee sometime. I think she would be a good person to try to talk too because she is out and maybe she can talk me through some stuff in person. Thank you for the advise.
     
  15. tommyj

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    I made an appointment with a therapist next week that specializes in this type of stuff. It's amazing what Google can do. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I might not come out in my first session I'll have to see how it feels.
     
  16. palimpsest

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    Good for you!
     
  17. tommyj

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    I had my first session with a therapist last night and it was one of the most liberating thing that has happened to me. It was one that specialized in people questioning their sexuality and orientation. It was great be able to actually vocalize all these things that have been going through my mind and never were able to talk to anybody about.

    We mainly just did a lot of talking and me explaining what was going through my mind. I have another appointment for next week were we will start getting more into things.

    I just wanted to share this because it was good to get everything off my chest. Today I was able to concentrate on other things and was feeling the most normal I have felt in a long time.

    I would recommend it to others.
     
  18. rin101

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    Hello! I can't help you as much as I wish I could with your marriage problem, but as far as your religious problems, I think I can offer some advice.
    I'm Christian too-Episcopalian, actually--and I really struggled with faith and sexuality for a while as well. But, surprisingly, there are a lot of gay Christians out there. There's also a society, called NALT, which I'm a member of, which stands for "Not All Like That," which is an alliance for LGBT Christians. They have lots of really good advice and members. I would also check out Whoseoever Magazine for help and advice with spirituality and orientation, they're a great resource.
    It's hard to find peace with God and with yourself in today's society. I'm still not fully at peace with it, but I'm getting closer every day. I don't want to see other people struggling in the same way, and I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck, friend! :grin:
    ((PS: I assumed when you said "Church," it meant that you were Christian, so I'm so sorry if you meant something else!))
     
  19. seaview

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    This is what I emailed my lover of 30 years when he started the guilt trip stuff and living a lie.

    "Dear_____
    Drop the guilt and the "I wish we had never met 30 years ago" that is history.
    But, I THANK GOD WE BOTH HAVE CHILDREN. It is not a lie, you are not living a lie. I have told ______(my wife) that I love you and that it is a special love that I suppose two real brothers have. She wants that for me as she knows I need more than just her---mental stimulation. Your know, I suspect somewhere deep down she knows and I do love her and I love your sorry ass. Equally, but entirely differently, like two children. You said you wish you didn't marry or have a family, Bull Shit... Your son is brilliant. He may cure cancer, my daughter may cure_______. Let me be blunt, Men are not monogamist, never have been (read, read). I don't care how many vows, oath, contracts put a guilt trip on you it is not going to happen any more than Catholic Priest are going to stop playing with boys. So move past it. 30 years of guilt is enough.

    We have both created something wonderful--FAMILIES don't ever regret that. You may as well regret being born, but shouldn't. You have brought joy to your parents, me, your family. That alone is worth it. And I guarantee you will be in Heaven with me one day, I am positive. Remember I felt the hand of God and he put me in this (current job). That is the honest to God Truth. Would he have put a Sodomite there?

    And as I get stronger, I am thankful I met you and we made love. Yes, that is appalling. But I would have been alone for my life, with those God given (not devil given) urges forcing me to do something. But I met the most wonderful man I have ever know and you saved me from God knows what. Maybe your strength is 100x mine, but the books say at 35-45 you would have divorced and sought what we both provide each other. I know I am tearing at your heart and if I have offended you I am sorry. I am as proud of you as if you were my son, will always be, no matter if I am driven away by you or welcomed. I am proud of you and will be to the end.

    God Bless you and your family including your parents (if you will answer your cell I would like to say it in person later today). Thank You for making me a better man and for preserving my marriage because without you I don't know what would have happened. Our relationship actually made my marriage stronger. If I can be blunt again, there are times (younger) when we spent the night and the first thing I did upon arriving home was to make love to ______(MY WIFE). It was just a part of the glow of love I had. I honestly think that is in part why our sex life here is 0. I think I am truly Bi and need that love from both of you. Perhaps I will eventually pay for my crimes against you (an argument) and you will consider me worthy again, but that is for later.

    God Bless You, My Only Brother,"
    _______

    Don't break up your family or let the guilt kill you. I am here to tell you I have been in love with a man longer than I have been married. I could not longer dump him than I could my wife. I love them both. No, my wife does not know (because of my lover) I would tell her, she knows him and our families are friends. Work on that type relationship.

    Rob
    Seaview