Heartbroken..

Hello everyone.

So there's this guy(24), that i first saw in a gay club(he was the DJ) and i immediately felt something. Like some sort of connection, or a click.

Ofcourse, i wouldn't even dare talking to him because i'm a shy person, and i have this huge wall of defense around me, plus the fear of rejection. I knew what his Facebook account was because of a friend, but i only sent him a message so he could link me a mixtape of his. He replied, gave me the link and he also added me as a friend although he didn't even know who i am. We had some chit-chat, nothing really, just random stuff.

Then he told me he would be playing music on a Saturday night at the same club and i could go and say hello if i wanted to, i said that i might do that. I went there with my friend, but for some reason i was terrified, and i didn't talk to him, again. Next day, i texted him on facebook and said that i was there but i was afraid to talk to him and he was like "don't be...i don't bite!". Then i told him that i regret not talking to him, and that he looks like a really nice guy, helping me and all. He then said that he's in a relationship for about a year and a half, which, i expected.

Anyhow, we didn't talk for about 3 months, then after i went with my friend at the club again, we were sitting at the lobby and i saw him stepping out of the elevator. My heart started racing like, really fast. I was so glad to see him again, but he didn't see us and i didn't say anything this time either. We went into the club after a bit, i couldnt find him so i was just like "meh...". A few moments later my friend poked me and said "there he is" and i was like "now or never", so i poked him and he came towards me. Ofcourse he didn't recognize me because he never saw me before, not even my facebook pics. I explained to him who i am and he was like "ooh hello! how are you" and stuff like that. Then a minute later, he just left. We didn't even get to talk for a couple of minutes. I was a bit dissapointed to be honest.

The next day, we were walking down the street and there he is again! out of nowhere! He was like:

Him: Where are you going?
Me: We're just looking for a place to go, not sure yet.
Him: I'm going to this party, you can join us if you want.
Me: We'll see..we'll take a look around first.

Ofourse, we did go, but we didn't sit next to them, we went a bit further. He didn't even look at us, or come to our table..i didn't want to bother them so i didn't go either. It turned out, after they left, that he indeed didn't notice us, or so he said. He left, then we left too.

I was like, "thats it, i should just stop". (mind you, i didn't know if he was into a relationship anymore since it's been more than 3 months).

When we went home, i had a text on my facebook and it was him. He actually sent me a text for the first time, since i was always the one that initiated a conversation, or at least tried to. We texted for about 2hours constantly...but i still couldn't believe that he actually talked to me..we never had more than few words in these past months. He said some things that made me feel really happy..special....you know I could sit there and just keep texting the whole night..i wouldn't get bored of it.

I said that maybe we should meet someday for a coffee or something...he said that we really should. And we did, the next day. When i woke up in the morning, he texted me again with "good morning cutie" and stuff like that. That night, we went for a long walk, then for some tea and finally at his place. (he proposed it before we even met) He started kissing me which felt absolutely amazing,(yeah he's the 1st guy i REALLY kissed) and we kept kissing for literally 2 hours and at some point i felt that i couldn't even breath..lol. One thing led to another, but we didn't have sex, hell, i didn't even finish but i didn't give a damn, i was so happy, i think for the first time in my life. He's really cute, he has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen on a man and dimples...when he was close to my lips and kept smiling, i was just melting..i can't even describe it with words. After we were done, we cuddled and he put my head on his chest, his arm around me, he kissed me and we slept like that.


Next Saturday we went at the same club with his friends, enjoyed ourselves, and he started kissing me on the cheeck and then on the lips. He was like "i'm kissing you on the cheek and still get a boner, wtf" Frankly, i don't really like being kissed in public on the lips but at that moment, i didn't care, at all.


When we went at his place, the kissing part was even more intense, i was more relaxed, he was really passionate but even then, we didin't have sex although it looked like he was about to rape me lol.

From now on, it gets a bit weird for me. We kept texting but every couple of days or so he was also a bit busy, ofcourse. He kept saying about the stuff he wants to do on me during...u know! Anyway, i arranged to go for 2 days to where he lives (we live in different towns, like an hour and a half away) and the 2nd day we'd meet. He had to invite people for some parties and he said that he got carried away and completely forgot, so he had to cancel. I was a bit dissapointed but i got over it eventually. Then after 2 days, i told him i'd go to that party where he was DJing. I did, and was quite good although he was busy most of the time but i already knew that. Then after he finished we went to eat something and straight to his place. Thing is, he ate too much, and when we went to bed he was like "sorry to dissapoint you babe but all i want is to sleep now". I was like yeah...things like this also happen!. So we just cuddled and slept. Next is Saturday, i had to go back at my town to work but i was free afterwards so i traveled again, went at my friend and waited for his text to go out. A bit before midnight, he texted that he's not feeling very well and he's not coming and that he's sorry. He then said that he's going to bed so maybe he'd feel a bit better.

I was really dissapointed, because he canceled 2 times with within the same week, then the "i ate too much" thing. Yes, things like this happen but it still got me into thinking...and overthinking it..maybe i did something wrong, or said something wrong. We stopped texting on facebook..well we did every now and then but not so much..and the last friday at another party..it got more weird. When he finished, he asked if we(my friend and i) are going home, but i said i'm going with him..and he said "you're coming home with me? why didn't you tell me earlier..it's a bit messy" but when i asked if there's anything more into he said that we'll talk about it tomorrow, and that i can't go at his place tonight.

We went at the club after, and i was...off...like really sad and i was just kept thinking about what he said and what's going on. Shortly after we left, and he said "I can't stand seeing you like this, let's take a walk".

He said that he knows he's a bit "off" lately, and "in his own world"..and i should have expected this. He said that he's not really into a relationship atm, and he wanted to be completely honest about it and that he should say it now better than later. That i'm a really nice guy and guys like me are rare to find..maybe what i just wanted to hear..

This happened 2 days ago, and since then, i can't sleep(only 2 hours tops) i can't stop thinking about him and i can barely keep myself from bursting into tears. I know that i should move on, but i just can't. Despite the fact that we only dated for a little while, i think i fell in love with him and what he said completely destroyed me.

What i don't understand is, why so fast. He was so nice, passionate i had the feeling that he was really into me, then all of a sudden, he dropped the bomb. I don't know what to do, seriously, i don't.

Next Saturday there's a party where i'm also going to, he'll be playing music and his friends will be there, i'll be with them too(his best friend actually, who really likes me). He said he's fine with that.

I know that the chances of getting back with him are slim but i don't want to lose him from my life...call me selfish but i can't give up on him so easily. He's the best thing that happened in my life so far.

Any advice welcome.

I'm sorry for the wall of text.

p.s: I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes as English is not my native language.

sincerely,
John

 

Thanks for the bump Rice!

And yes, i think i'm gonna go with your advice and take it slow and as calm as i can be given the circumstances.

But i just can't help thinking all the time, "why"..it's actually killing me lol. I'll be damned if the line "It's me, not you" has ever worked on anyone, it's more like an easy let-down. On the other hand, it might be true, i honestly don't know. Maybe i just wasn't good enough for him and everything was a lie to begin with.

How can anyone be this passionate and sweet, and all the stuff i mentioned in my 1st post and then suddenly change, that's beyond me.

But i just get this feeling that i shouldn't give up on him yet..

 

The reason i believe it was my own fault, is because, i know for a fact that 2 months ago, he was into a relationship for a year and a half but they broke up, for whatever reasons. And then when we accidentally met on the street, and he sent me that text after i went home a bit dissapointed for not talking to him, i told him that i was a bit surprised that he actually texted me first. He said that he expected that.

His exact words were "I just like you is all, and because people like you are rare to find, i've learned to express my feelings and say what i feel. Life is too short, there is no reason to wait."

After that day, everything was perfect up until well, it wasn't anymore.

And ofcourse i'm the one who got hurt in the end, since he was the one to end up things, not me. Before we even got into a relationship. We "dated" in total 3 times. All of them perfect, or at least thats what i thought. And from what he said, he REALLY wanted to have sex with me and was really excited about it. If only you could read his texts. And before we even got to that point, everything changed.

Do you see now why i am so upset about it?

 

He had no idea i was actually into him because we never actually met in person. And when we talked on facebook, we only exchanged a few words, but just random stuff really. Then i approached him so i could introduce myself, but that only lasted a minute. And then, when i saw him after 5 days, he was the one that initiated a conversation on Facebook and that's where everything began. But yeah, this is pretty much what happened Rice, the way you describe it.

I already know what his final decision is, i don't really have to ask him. Since he said that a relationship isn't working for him atm, there's not much i can do really. What i can do, is just go to that party @ Saturday, hang out with his friends, (well they're already my friends, kind of, and his best friend actually invited me there)
since he'll be busy playing music and later on we might go to another club, and he'll probably join too so i'll see how is he going to act around me.

I just wish that he'd tell me that night, if the realm problem was:

a) He's not into a relationship at the moment because he's "in his own world" or
b) He's not into a relationship with ME.

Because if it was for a, there could be still a possibility in the future but if it was b, then i would stand no chance at all. I guess if i wasn't semi-drunk that night, i could've handled it better.


@fortheloveoflez: Although i don't believe that this is true (the rebound), it's still possible, yes. Thing is, i really believed he was different , and that's based on what i was seeing when we were together and based on what he said the 1st time we really talked.

I really want to know the truth, but i don't think that confronting him about it is a very good idea. Plus, what he said so far, might be indeed the truth...that he's not into a relationship atm, and that's not my fault.

Yet again, "Hot and cold" is just cruel, giving someone so much hope and then crushing him in an instant it's just....wrong.


Thank you both from the bottom of my heart, i truly appreciate it that you're trying to help me through this.

 

Hello June!

Yeah, i might want it too bad but i never really showed it to him. And i doubt it was going too fast since i was only seeing him once a week, we live in different towns anyway. Also, i was waiting for him to send a text first, otherwise i would initiate a conversation but we only talked about once per 2 days so....you get the point

Do you think i should have taken it even slower than that....? Furthermore, he was the one that said "Life's too short, there is no need to wait." I only acted based on what he said and how he was treating me in the very beginning.

About what you said with your partner, which i find really sweet, i also said in my first post that when i saw him for the first time, it just clicked to me. So maybe i should restraint my feelings for now and just be his friend, and see if we get to know each other better as friends, and maybe, just MAYBE get together again? I know it's a long shot but still..

Best regards!

 

I think you maybe didn't read my whole post

No, he doesn't have that mentality, and i know for a fact that he's been in at least 1+ year relationships, so it's not the issue here.

I really am trying to forget him, but i just can't. And i also need some closure, like the REAL reason why this suddenly happened, the whole truth, and then i might drop it.

It's not a huge town, and there's only 1 dedicated club and a few bars, that's it. Why would i have to change the club anyway..just because of him?

 

@PalestrinaMX: Yeah...it really is...a shitty sitaution.

@sosickofmyex: I'm really sorry for what's happening with your ex. I know it really hurts, especially with someone who's been a really long time with you. The only difference is that he blamed noone but himself. (well not really blamed)

And i'm also trying what you're suggesting, when i'm thinking about him, especially the really good times (as limited as they were) we had, almost every time i'm reduced to tears. And trust me, i'm trying to block the thoughts, but it's just really hard for me since this happened like 6 days ago.

Maybe i shouldn't have fallen for him too soon and too hard, but it's not like i could control my feelings. Maybe i am just that naive, and falling for the wrong people, all the time.

Thank you both and take care!

 

@June: He broke up with his ex in July, and we started dating at September 27th, so that's around 3 months. I'm pretty sure he had his adjustment period.

Then again, if you don't feel like going into a relationship again that "soon", then you don't just give false hopes to someone, being so sweet and passionate, then suddenly you take it all back. That makes you an asshole.

And like i said before, i wasn't pushy, at all. I was giving him his space, and i was only seeing him like once, maybe twice a week...that's pushy...? In almost an entire month we only met each other 3 times. I would only text him like "goodmorning" or "goodnight" or "how are you" and stuff, but that's once every a couple of days, not all the time. And sometimes he texted me instead.

Thank you once again for your advice, June.

 

Once again June, you explained everything perfectly, i really like reading your replies. I like your way of thinking!

Maybe the only mistake that i did is that i told him how i really felt about him. On our 2nd date, after we made out and had some pillow talk after, we were cuddled and i told him that a few nights before we actually met in person, i saw him entering the club and my heart literally stopped just by seeing him. (okay well not literally!) And he said "i'm glad you told me". And that i really like him. But it's not like i said "let's be BF's!"

Ah well...in my head, i've thought of almost every single possible reason why this has gone wrong. Guess i'll never know.

And maybe you are right, maybe i should just try and move on because by not letting go all i'm going to accomplish is more pain.

I really wanted to at least stay his friend...oh well...