1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

On the edge

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Ailurophile, Oct 23, 2013.

  1. Ailurophile

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life, but I don't ever remember wanting to kill myself as much as I do now.

    I'm in my third year of college. I went into this year with 3 great friends. One of those friends introduced me to two new friends, we'll call them M and B. So all 5 of us had this really awesome friend group and I was very happy. Then B and I started getting really close, but she was also being really flirty. I had begun falling for her even before things started getting flirty. I felt crazy because I knew she was leading me on really hard, but she's decidedly straight. I confronted her about it and she said that she did have feelings for me. A few weeks later I confronted her again because she was talking to a lot of other boys as well. She told me a lot of stuff, like that she thought of me all day and she thought about being in a relationship with me a lot. She said stuff like that she was just terrified that she'd ruin my first experiences because she's not a lesbian. She said she's straight as a rule, but that I am an exception. Still, she ended that conversation and basically the friendship. I confronted her again the next day and reassured her that I could handle her indecisiveness. So we continued being friends with no expectations. Still, she was leading me on. We cuddled and watched TV shows together a lot. One night when we were on a couch she grabbed my arm and twisted it around her own. We sat through an entire episode of a show like that. A couple nights later she told us she was going out with this guy and she was texting him constantly. I confronted her about him and she said that she had no interest in him, that it was just friendship. I accepted that. But then one of my other friends decided that she was probably lying to me and was worried about me. This gets really complicated because this friend is still friends with B. I texted B and wanted all of us to talk. I wanted to finally tell her that all we would ever be is just friends, but she didn't even want to talk to me. B got really angry and the next day told my friend that she wanted space from me. I was devastated, but the devastation turned into anger and the next night I texted her about how she was leading me on and that her actions spoke louder than her words. I didn't say anything that wasn't true or that was too mean. However, she felt that my words were the real breaking point of our close friendship. Now, I just feel alienated and alone. The friend group still hangs out together, but I'm not someone who likes to hang out with someone who doesn't like me.

    There's more going on in my life than just that, but those people were my support group and now my support group has crumbled. I just feel like if I wasn't gay, none of this would have happened and I'd still have my friends. I've lost a lot of close friends and I just don't feel like I can handle this anymore. I want to give up.
     
  2. Thursby

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2013
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    College can be a very difficult time in a person's life. Everyone is really discovering who they are because they are no longer tied by their parents apron strings. This girl might be gay, bisexual, or figuring it out..but what I can tell you is that she is NOT worth killing yourself over. I know it is tough to hear, but things with this girl aren't meant to be. It will take time, but you will move on and one day look back wondering why it upset you so much.

    I know things seem really dark right now, BELIEVE ME I'm familiar with those places. But if you don't stick around, you will miss all the GREAT things in the future. You will find someone who will be head-over-heels in love with you, just as much as you will be with them. But if you aren't around, you won't ever get to experience that awesome feeling of true love.

    I too have suffered with a lack of a support group. But in recent months I've discovered that if you love yourself you are NEVER alone. You will find a support group of kind and caring friends, it takes time but they are out there. After all, you have all of us here on EC and you have a support in me now (*hug*)

    Lastly, don't regret being gay because it is who you are and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Be proud of who you are because you are a beautiful person.
     
  3. Ailurophile

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Thank you so much Thursby. I wish I checked back sooner to read this. (*hug*)

    This week things are going a lot better. All of my friends and I have talked, including B. I've realized that I just have a lot of other deeply rooted issues that really shut me down last week. Things are looking up though.