K, this is a strange one but I need some help.. My gf came home yesterday with her nipple pierced.. she told me in the afternoon that she had had it done and I was shocked but she was all excited in high spirits that I reciprocated.. then i was busy at work and didn't think about it until I got home and she showed me and it made my stomach drop... I couldn't help but say, "ow, that looks sore.. I don't like the bar you've chosen.. " - Hardly v. nice and she looked crushed so I felt awful - but I couldn't seem to think anything nice about it.. The thing is - I love piercings (and have several myself) esp. nipple piercings and have had gfs get them done before and been very pleased with it.. So I don't understand my reaction here... Anyway, the evening was a bit awkward and I was conscious that I was very withdrawn. Partly because I was ashamed that I'd acted badly and also for some reason I couldn't understand, I felt really anxious about the whole thing... Then today, she sent me a pic of it and I felt a knot of anxiety in my chest that I couldn't understand.. I'm wondering if it could be left over anxiety from my first love/broken heart. See, she was my girlfriend at Uni and when we started going out she looked a certain way... And then towards the end of our relationship she cut her hair really short, changed her style in clothes and seemed to be trying to transform herself in some way.. Then she broke up with me she said she just was in a place where she wanted to "see what was out there" etc. and I was totally broken hearted... So maybe I'm projecting an old anxiety here..? I should say that my gf got her hair cut yesterday into a short bob too, so in a way it felt like I came home to a different woman... and maybe I panicked that she was looking to change us too..? Or worse, maybe I'm just a total control freak who doesn't like my gf going out and making her own decisions about her body/appearance - which is awful! And I hope that's not what it is.. but I do have a tendency to be a bit controlling... If it is this, how can I change those reactions? I don't want to be that kind of person (I should say I come from a family with a v.controlling father and I have always loathed the way he picked at my mum ... I don't want to be that..) I don't know, I feel totally shitty about the whole thing and have asked if we can chat later because I don't want her to keep her in the dark about all of this, but at the same time I'm really not sure how to explain the anxiety..? Any help would be hugely appreciated.. x
Hi Amelie. OK, first of all, I don't think your reaction is strange at all. It's a basic survival mechanism. Something hurts you once. The next time you encounter a similar situation, you naturally prepare yourself for the same thing. The way you feel is pretty normal to me. I'm the same. I have had atrocious luck with girlfriends going out for dinner with male 'friends'. Now, even to this day, I still get a bit of a funny feeling in the pit of my human stomache. But what you have to factor in, is that your girlfriend isn't your ex. She's a different person. To this end, you can't know her intentions until you talk to her about it. Does that make sense? The nipple piercing, in my mind, is a bit of a spark that set your internal warning systems off. That's not actually related to the key problem (losing her), but your reaction doesn't help the social situation between the two of you. I'm not blaming you, it's just unfortunate/unlucky. Fresh piercings can look a bit bad - that's just how it is. Anyway, bars and stuff can be changed, right? You have to separate the issue of her nipple with the core issue of your relationship. I think it's totally worth talking to her about what's really important - your relationship. The trick is to do so in a way that doesn't make her nipple a battleground. Because ultimately, it doesn't have much to do with it. At least I hope so. I don't think you're being controlling at all, if it's any consolation. Based on the info you've given us, far from acting like your father, I think your father's negative behaviour has pushed you in the opposite direction, so don't worry about that. Just try to talk to her, and focus on what's important. Try to leave the superficial things aside - at least for the moment. I get the feeling that if you try to deal with everything at the same time then you'll end up with silly details becoming the catalyst for a big and nasty argument. Explain to her what happened in the past, and why it makes sense for you to be getting those same feelings. It's really not about what you like physically, it's about signs that preceded an emotional trauma for you. So, stay calm and deal with things as they are. Explain the situation to her and try to work it out with her. That way, she'll see your point of view, and it's hardly dictating anything to her, is it? It's dealing with a fear which you've suffered in the past. ------ On a side note, I totally get what you about 'coming home to a different woman'. A similar thing happened to me and I was confused. It felt like I was cheating on my girlfriend with a girl who had short hair xD So, I don't think you're silly for that. Or, if you are, then I am too! Best of luck
I can understand. I am glad that you have concern, showing that you truly love your girlfriend. Maybe you should sit her down, talk to her, tell her how you feel. If she goes awry, throws a fit, she probably wasn't 'the one'. Be nice, though. Say 'You've been different lately, what's up?' or 'I fear that I might lose you, I love you and all, but things have happened before and I don't want that to happen to us.' etc.
