(REALLY Long Thread, written as an outlet a.k.a a rant(?)) Hey Guys, This here being my first post and thread, let me introduce myself a little. I'm an 18 year old, bisexual male (Not out, at all); I'm in my last year of high school now and with no clue on what will I do next. My current location is Ecuador but I have also lived and attended to school in two other Latin American countries. Now here I am in an effort to try and do something to make my life a tad less stupid. Let me elaborate on that. First let me tell you about my school: It is a small school, has a barely mediocre infrastructure and mediocre teachers, and (as you'd expect) a class almost full of a***** that pretend to be people. Yes, there is a small handful of 'good' kids with whom I am 'friends', but the vast majority are a*****, and believe me, I've counted. And see, when the whole "there are as many good people as bad people on the world" saying doesn't apply (because this is my reality) things can get ugly. And by ugly I mean ignorance, bullying, pedantry, homophobia, wild play, and whatnot all being flung around like this is some kind of battlefield. Every day, every week. But the last two days were "special", when ignorance and stupidity were at their "finest", which is the reason I'm witring all of this. I have never been one for going mouth to mouth with others, or to stand up and 'put someone in their place', or to do anything that would actually take real courage and wit to do. I only have the courage to "stop" people from trying and make fun of me, I'm a coward and have lost the opportunities to change... So yesterday, when my classmates were being fed ignoramus remarks (and backing them up with their own) like "wearing condoms is completely useless in protecting yourselves from STDs or AIDS" or "anal intercourse is completely disgusting and an abomination of nature" or "gay people are the reason we have AIDS today, such people are disgusting" remarks that were coming from our teacher, our BIOLOGY teacher nonetheless, [a teacher who believes the 'morning after pill' is abortive (even when I explained in detail why it is contraceptive, and not only did she not believe me, no one did] I was very reluctant, no, completely impotent before the idea of doing or saying anything about it, all I could do was sit there. The worst part is that I know for sure that telling a directive or anyone else about this will be completely useless, seeing as everyone around me (adults and teens alike) are ignorants and homophobes, all of those who I know have the same mindset and doing anything would only put me on the spot. And today, my classmates 'leveled up' in their idiosyncrasy, when their pedantic remarks and pretentious behaviour reached a new level of jerkiness (for lack of a better word), all I could do was sit and feel as the turmoil of frustration, anger and stress built up inside my brain, as I felt completely devoid of any power to change anything, even myself, in order to make the day remotely bearable. I'm half way through my school year, with 4 or 5 months left, but I don't know how will I make it through without going insane, specially now that the those jerks have realized that they can go on an almost all-out of bat**** craziness and suffer zero consequences. I'm lost, and I want to cry, but throughout my life I have cried over little things (not any more though), e.g. missing my homework, bad grades, getting shouted out. And I don't want to shed a single tear over those morons, because I promised myself I would only cry over important things such as the fact that I had to leave my first and only pet back at my last home (no one to take care of him, and I begged my parents to do every possible thing to leave him in good hands) or the divorce of my parents (after a year of constant fighting and shouting). And if I cry over this, it will be like crying over a bad grade, it won't change a thing and it will only show me that I finally let my own will to get trashed by all of those insensitive bastards. I don't find it fair that I led my life not letting my own problems affect other people's lives in a negative way and they just come everyday to school to make life a living hell for everybody else just because they might be unhappy about their own. And the only reason I'm preventing myself from crying right now is because of the infinitely small ray of hope I have, that small handful of people I mentioned, yeah we are nowhere near to be actual friends, but we are good classmates. And I only hold on to them because, well, because they aren't hypocrites or self-absorbed, and we actually have a little in common. But the thing is, I want more, I may be being selfish but I want just one person with whom I can completely be myself with, sexuality and all, and I don't mean just throwing it all out there with that person, but actually getting to know them as well, to be real friends with them. It's been 5 years already without having someone to actually call a friend, much less a close one. ... I really just wanted to get that out my system, I will hear anything you guys have to say about this, any advice and whatnot, and if you feel this was just a big selfish rant, it's because it was. I'm only a teenager after all.
First, Welcome to EC! (*hug*) Situations such as these can be very frustrating because there really isn't much we can do but bare through it. The positive thing is that you are apt enough to recognize the ignorance they are spewing, and from your choice of vocabulary I have no doubt that you will be just fine in the future, despite your current academic environment. It might be painful, but its only four months. I'm going to assume from your age that you should be close to moving on to college. I would just set my sights on something a ways away and let the focus on those dreams and aspirations help whittle down the days.
Thanks, I kind of let depression take hold of me during those last two paragraphs; I just wanted to let it out, given that I really don't have any close friends to talk to. So yeah, it feels nice to be heard, or read. I'll make my best to focus on my future, but...truth be told I don't even know where to start, things over here are different from what they might be in the U.S. or Europe, in terms of college/job opportunities.
You appear to be mistaken. You said that you are a coward and that it's too late to change. Well first of all, its never too late to stop being like that, and second of all, you're not a coward. Anyone who can be living through all of that and still able to get up every morning and face it again is no coward in my book. It takes strength to do that, and you're certainly showing a lot of it. Im sorry that your going through such a hellish time right now. Those type of circumstances can't be easy for anyone, and I know what it's like to live in a hellish environment with no one by your side. It's a difficult thing to do, even for a person like me who just won't allow such ignorance to be spewed at me or others. But even with me being the type of person who won't allow that stuff, I would recommend (as out of character as it may seem,) that you continue to stay under the radar with those type of people and be extremely careful and sure of who you come out to. I say that, because you're strongly outnumbered here with no faculty or known others to turn to, and I don't want you to get hurt or your situation to get worse. Right now, as bad as things are, they are not directed at you, because no one know the truth. When I was in high school, no one knew I was gay. That didn't stop idiots from attempting to bully me though. They quickly regretted that mistake, but the point is that people like that will pick on you for just about anything. Im concerned about the disturbing level of homophobia and ignorance those people are showing though, so you may want to continue to go by unnoticed (at least unnoticed as being bisexual) until you are in a safe place, and have people that you can trust 100%. I know that waiting can be torture, but compared to the alternatives, you should take the lesser of two evils, but understand that things will get better. Unfortunately, sometimes to get to the light, you have to walk through a dark tunnel (If you know what I mean). You said that you don't have anyone that you can actually call a friend. Well unfortunately I can't be there to help you out in person, but I would be happy to be your friend online. There are tons of people on this site who are friendly and will be willing to help if you have any problems or if you just want to talk. It's a good thing that you were able to vent all of your problems on this thread, because venting can be a huge help, especially with depression. So other then that, the only other advice I can give at the moment is to just stay strong, take it day by day, and try to keep yourself preoccupied to get your mind off it. Maybe plan ahead and set goals like Gen said. If you have a hard time figuring out what you want to do after high school, then focus on that. It can be fun and can take your mind off the ignorance that is running rampant in your environment. You said that you have 4 or 5 months left. That's great, because that means that your almost done. It may be hard, but you can get through it. You made it this far right? If you ever need to talk/vent, you can always use the forums or contact me. Im actually pretty good at solving problems, and im always up for making new friends. Just hang in there and stay strong friend. It may be difficult but im sure you can get through this. (*hug*)
Before I begin, Welcome to EC! Let's get serious now. *intense music starts* I can totally relate to you. I have, and still cry, over little things. I am also a coward. I know people in my class that are, as you put it, a*****, even though I don't know the word you're talking about. But back onto the Topic at hand, it is terrible what you have to go through. It does not make you sound selfish at all. I do believe that you can get through all this, at least school. It might help if you tell a trusted adult what is going on. Yes, you might, and I'm emphasising this, MIGHT have to come out, but it can help. Telling somebody your emotions does not make you weak. We all need to several times in our life. I, ironically, don't, but nonetheless, it could very well be the start of a 'new beginning' for you. I am guessing that you will move out when you will go to college. This would be the time you deserve. You won't have to deal with people like that(I'm hoping, I have very little experience in college ), you can take time to really think about where to go next, and, even be yourself. It is okay if you shed tears a little too much. And it is okay if you are a coward, because true friends won't mind it. And, best of all, you can find and make true friends in college, people who are there to support you, help you, and just have fun with. For the time being, 5 months does sound like a long time. As said before, tell someone who you trust how you are feeling. And, EC is always here. *serious music turns into peaceful music* If you ever want/need to talk, just know that there are people who do care. Best of luck to you. One more thing. I can help you if you ever want a one-on-one talk. Just Wall Message me, and I shall help you.
Thanks for the kind words, [and to TailsFan as well (I'd quote him too, but I don't know how to quote more than one message in one reply :help] Your advice was pretty much what I was planning to do , and it is nice to know that there are real people out there who can do what I can't. I really need to get out of this environment, and because my options are very limited the next thing I planned to do before entering college was to get a part-time job, maybe at McDonald's or something, so I can actually move out. I really need to sort things out, and a friendly hand (or two) is most welcomed, I just don't open up that easily; it is easier here because of the anonymity, but in person I wouldn't say as much as 'meep'.
