Last year I was at my wits end, I was depressed being a homosexual (I hated this part of me) I wanted to change but obviously that isn't possible. So I decided that I would be better off dead, that I was a hindrance to my family and friends , that as a gay person I would be alone and unloved anyway and since I am a gay only child I will be the last of my family since I can't have kids of my own. I got some help (being seen with self harm cuts gets you interest from doctors anyway) and I got mostly better for a while after months of therapy, I have a boyfriend and I am out of the closet. Despite this I still get suicidal feelings from time to time, I cry and think nobody would care if I just killed myself by ODing on a cocktail of pills and booze, or I gassed myself using my car or something. I can't get rid of them and I am scared to tell someone in person about them incase I get committed or something (Well thats what the only other person I have told has said what will happen to me)
It seems that we have similar thoughts *hug* What about telling your bf? Maybe not everything, but perhaps "I need a hug" would help overcome the worst moments? Perhaps the idea that someone would have to clean the mess could help you snap out of it too... At least it helps me.
Depression is like alcoholism. It isn't something that is ever gone completely. Relapses are very normal, so long as you don't let them take over. Talk to the people who love you, or go see your therapist. Think of it as getting a checkup for anything else. And, on a side note, why can't you have kids? You could always use a surrogate if you get to a point that you feel ready for a family. Hang in there. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. (*hug*)
In the US you usually won't get committed unless you say you have a plan. Not sure about over there, but they are just thoughts, yeah? It sucks big time, but you spent an extended period self-hating and not being able to truly relax around anyone, cause of the closet. Even coming out and relationship can't undo all that instantly. There may also be genetic factors, all the more reason to get help. I'm sure when you aren't so down you recognize these thoughts as irrational. To say no one would care? That's clearly not true.
