Distraught. Was she just being an attention whore?

Went for a company gathering last month. A colleague confided to me that she was a lesbian. Then she changed her mind and said she was confused and might be bisexual. She told me I was the only person at work whom she confided to about this. She shared past photos of herself (she had a tomboyish look, completely different from how she looks now (very feminine).

She said she's always felt she is meant to be male instead of female.

She was affectionate and flirty toward me throughout the whole gathering. I've had feelings for her for roughly two months, but, did not verbalise out of fear and because I thought she was completely straight.

This is a 27-y/o lady (let's call her 'X'). I am 30-y/o with only one lesbian relationship in my whole life (I was 23. She was 35. We were intimate, but, not to the point of having sex. We were in denial about our sexuality, but, cuddled almost every night anyways).

People describe me as a loner. Yes, I often feel the need to be alone to recharge. I am closeted. I keep to myself and don't fall in love easily.

She has been questioning my sexuality all along. I'm actually quite feminine, but, don't dress up or makeup except for special occasions. I dislike shopping and wear pants most of the time, with a well-fitting T-shirt. I like keeping my hair long. I wear earrings. Let's just say I keep things simple. Materialistically, I'm a simple person, and very thrifty. Emotionally, I am guarded, but, care deeply about people.

After the gathering, I confessed to X about my feelings. She replied, saying, "Thanks for telling. Hope we can still be good friends & good colleagues!"

I was shattered & asked what she was up to during the gathering & what were her intentions. She said, "I'm sorry that my playful teasing hurt you. But, I really want to be your friend." I told her that was impossible. She was distraught that I didn't want to be friends.

Subsequently, we were able to work together, but, only as colleagues. We were able to talk face-to-face. In person, I felt she was still sending mixed signals (I might be mistaken). Twice, I texted & told her how I felt about her. She said that things had gotten complicated & she needed time.

I saw X getting comfortable with a guy from another dept. They were not intimate, but, he was clearly chasing her (she seemed to reciprocate). I caught them having lunch together on my way to work. I texted & asked if she already has a boyfriend. I requested for complete honesty so I could decide whether to move on or not.

She replied that he was only a friend & that I should move on anyways.

Now we are not talking at work at all, completely avoiding each other. When we need to communicate with regards to work, we write notes. I avoid her like a plague, trying to pretend she doesn't exist. I can't stand to see her or anything that belongs to her. I can't look at her at all. Seeing her hurts. A lot.

I am seeking for long-term companionship, someone to grow old with. I am not a yo-yo. I am not disposable. I am not a player. :~(

 

deejay, I'm really, really sorry for replying late... a lot has been going on lately... personally, as well as, professionally.

I think she did go through some difficult times, but, is unwilling to tell me.

We were in denial of what kind of relationship we were in... I freaked out... we were both willing to remain friends, but, eventually drifted apart......

That's true... I wish I was more simple and easygoing.

She said nobody at work knows about her preferences except me. I asked her why she chose to confess to me, of all people. She refuses to answer that question & I am too exhausted to pursue this matter. You could put a gun to her head and she would NEVER answer that question.

I want us to be friends, but, she is now unwilling to speak to me either. Something really bad happened at work that might jeopardize my career (I'm a nurse). I texted her for some comfort. She kept quiet. I don't know what that means. I feel like she doesn't care. I feel desolate. I haven't been bothering her. I just needed some comfort... I'm not sure what her silence means, but, I think it might be the end of our friendship. I'm afraid of losing her, but, I have to control myself and try not to contact her at all. I don't know my place in her heart. Am I important to her? Her behavior tells me I'm not. I don't know what she's thinking. I'm tired and very, very sad.