I feel like giving up. I almost killed my brother and ten year old cousin in a car crash the other day. I feel so horrible that I can't even go to school. And since I missed a lot of school, I might not be able to graduate. It's already bad enough that they put me in a program to gain credits fast where I'm isolated from people. And everyone keeps telling how much they care about me, but those are the only words I hear from them. I'm tired of listening to those people. And my family doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through. I really don't have anyone in my life anymore. And the fact I'm in the closet doesn't help either since everyone thinks I'm just being childish and they're telling me to “man up" about it. I'm tired of all these secrets and trying to do what people tell me to do. Why am I too nice to people? :/ I just wished someone would care for me as much as I try to care for others.
Keeping secrets can make you more stressed in every situation. Just remember, if you want people to understand you better, you have to be willing to tell them the truth about yourself, even in subjects that might not seem related. Do you see a counselor? I've been feeling depressed for similar reasons, and even though I was resistant to the idea, seeing a counselor as actually helped me a little bit. I don't know what else to recommend.
Why wouldn't I have? He is tho only person in the whole school who actually tries to help. But still, it seems as if he only cares about my school progress rather than me myself. Right I now I could care less about school.
Every time I hurt somebody, or nearly hurt somebody, I am overcome with shame and self loathing. They may say they forgive you, but it doesn't help. You need to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is the greatest virtue because it is difficult to achieve. Forgiveness is not ignoring the wrongs done, but acknowledging them and loving the person anyway. Until you love yourself, you are incapable of receiving love or giving it. It isn't easy,trudging on through life. One winter, I got lost in the forest behind my house. The sun was going down and I was so cold. There was no way I could ever find my way home. The snow looked so soft and warm, I just wanted to lie down and sleep. But I decided to take just one more step. Then another one. One step is easy, I could do it forever. Another step. I couldn't feel my feet. Another step. Thorns tore at my skin, or did they? There was blood but I couldn't feel anything. Another step. Was I breathing? It didn't feel like I was breathing. Another step. Am I dreaming? This feels like a dream. Another step. Maybe this is real and I'm the dream. Each step was harder than the last, but it was just one step. I can take one step. My cousin can take one step and he's not even a year old. And all those little single steps somehow added up into something larger than one step. Something that seemed impossible a little while ago. I was home. So just keep walking through the snow, soon you will find your self home. And there will be a fire, a mug of hot cocoa, and somebody to give a hug waiting.(*hug*)
Thank you Sitri. I really don't what else to say. You're the only one who seem to understand. It seems like I'm always trying to find my way out of the cold forest alone since no one is trying to look for me. I think I've been hiding in forest rather than actually being lost just so someone could find me. It's a comfortable and quiet. I just been afraid of walking out of it since I felt like they didn't even notice I was gone. But I know I'll have to take my own steps instead if I want to get out of it. I know there will be thorns, but I can handle them. I know they'll be waiting for me. And now I know it's time to get out. Just taking that first step is the hardest. But I know I've already done it. Anyways, thank you so much. :') (*hug*)
Regarding your school, have you tried talking with your guidance counselor about the situation and how you feel? I know when I was in school, I was always too embarrassed to talk to the counselor but I also had no outlets for my problems and really suffered in school emotionally (not so much academically) and I am still working through a lot of my "old" demons (depression, anxiety, low self-esteem) that I didn't know how to deal with back then and thought the hatchet was buried. If you don't speak with your school counselor, there is always professional counseling in your community, too.
