Hi, Im new here. I just wanted to ask is it normal that I hate myself? I feel that being attracted to men is so wrong and I hate myself for it, but I cant help it, for the longest time I've found myself praying to be straight (I do like women as well) but nothings changed I just get more and more depressed day by day, and now I have a crush on a guy and everything is getting to me more cause I feel like accepting that I like him is accepting that I'm gay/bi and I don't want to be (No offence) I have such negative views on being gay and every time I find myself staring at a man in any way I just feel frustrated and coming out isn't an option, well at least not for now. I just don't know, Im so very confused. I mean I've tried sexual things with men and enjoyed them (I almost had sex but I felt so wrong I couldn't go through with it) and I find myself daydreaming about being in a relationship with a guy, the person I really fell for was a guy, but the idea of sex or living with one or getting married, I don't know. Please help me I just want some clarity.
Sadly, a lot of people feel like this when they start to discover themselves. Most of us, from the moment we are born, are pushed to believe that if you like anyone that isn't the opposite sex, you are different. Possibly, in some cases, we are lead to believe that we are sick, or even evil. It's because of this that people tend to have such a hard time accepting themselves. It's not unusual to have feelings like that, I know a LOT of people who have and/or still feel this way. What you need to realize is that there is no reason to hate yourself. Whatever you are, that is you. And being you is never a bad thing.
I know exactly how you feel! The general advice people throw at us is to accept who we are and move on. Its impossible to accept who you are overnight. I know i haven't completely accepted who I am. It takes a very long time. So the way forward is to have patience and take baby steps in loving who you are.
It's rough but you will be amazed looking back on this time later. It's hard to like yourself when you're stuck in the closet with no support. Once that turns around, you'll realize it's silly to hate yourself over something you admit you can't control. Why don't you try this for a day: Instead of get all frustrated when you see a guy you like, just try to enjoy it. Block out those negative thoughts as much as possible, or rather try to reason with them ("It's not a big deal. I like him. So what. It hurts no one"). This is something you have to work on, but i promise after a while you'll feel a lot better about yourself.
Believe me, it's sadly all too normal. I've come a long way with accepting myself, but even now, and too frequently, I get depressed about my gender identity.