Cutting your family out of your life?

Hey there,

After reading your story, I feel like screaming at the screen “Forget them!”. However, it’s easy for me to say that. It’s much more difficult for you to do it. That being said, I do truly think you would benefit from just not having them be part of your life. You’re in University, and as you said, have had a load of assignments to get done.
You need to focus on getting that degree. You can’t have any unnecessary distractions. Your Mother needs to grow up. I know that kind of sister. Criticizes everything and nothing is ever her fault. She’s obviously perfect and everyone has to know it.

Your life will be greatly improved if you get rid of unnecessary stress. You might regret it at first. However, in the long run you will surely appreciate it. You don’t even need to cut off contact with the rest of the family. As you said, you love your younger siblings.
Your Mother needs to realize how selfish she’s being. The only way for that to happen is for you to completely cut her off. She’s grabbing for attention and you’re feeding her.
You’re part of the problem. Starve the attention to death. Only when she has realized how terrible she has been. Only when she has come to apologize to you. Only then could you allow contact with her again.
It’s a hard choice, but the most important thing is that you’re happy. This is clearly keeping you from that.
But, I’m not you. Do what you feel is best. All I can do is advise.
Hope I was able to help in any infinitesimal way.

 

I think you need space from them.

Oh man, I remember how it was when I first came out and to a degree it is still that way now. It's awful. I think the worst part is that people don't seem to understand why it's wrong of them to say or do certain things to you because you are lgbt. Bottom line is that they don't understand it because they don't have a first account experience of what it's like to come out etc.

My dad still has a hard time accepting me.

My solution? Distance myself so I can get out of the negativity sphere.

We clearly don't deserve all that bullshit over the fact we are gay. It's not our problem it's society's.

 

Wow, they sound majorly toxic. That is just not right of them to treat you like that :icon_sad:

It is up to you whether or not you will stay in contact with them, but for a lot of deluded and abusive/vampiric personalities like that, it's true that no contact IS all you can really do. Awww, I hope you can find what works best though. you don't deserve that treatment at all. (*hug*)

 

My solution has been to love from afar.

My mother and I have a tense relationship. I do call and talk regularly but AS SOON as she starts in on negativity. "Mom I have to go, bye" or I leave. I call it 'training' her, but in reality it just shows I have no time for negativity. Perhaps you can do that.

I don't know if its possibly to cut them off entirely, as they are family, but...let them know you won't deal with negativity. If they go there, hang up the phone and walk out.

 

Your family sounds dead on like mines. I also have a mother who nags, instigates arguments, nit picks about little shit, and is never satisfied. Every holiday for the past 27 yrs of my life, has been a nightmare! They always end up in arguments and she happens to be the ring leader.

I would say, "distance" yourself from there is a better way to put it. Cutting them out would be cold. However, I"ve thought of doing that many times! But keep your distance and your guard up. Even the people closest to you, can be the worse! Believe me, yo se! No te dejas! Stay strong . . . and I will too.

Bring in the new year 2014 with less negativity, including family.. . .

 

I would leave them in the dust and not look back. I also don't have the best relationship with my family but I can say I understand where you are coming from with them asking for money. My dad calls on a weekly basis trying to guilt trip me into giving him money. I tell him I cant afford it and bite my tongue because I just want to scream at him: "You have a master's degree and only make 30,000 a year because you wont let yourself make more or get a better job because you are too stubborn. It is not my fault you screwed up your finances by taking a job that couldnt pay your bills." he lives 10 hrs away and loves to ask for money to pay for his gas to visit, but I never do.

Family is great when they aren't leaches. But when they are parasitic, it's time to cut them off for a while. Good luck

 

I am going to go out on a limb here, and say the opposite of what most other posters here have said. To me, it sounds like your mother and your sister have their own issues, and need your help and support as much as you need support from them. You say they are more interested in talking to you about what problems they have, than they are with talking to you about your own issues about coming out and your sexuality.

Honestly, that sounds like not a bad thing. It would seem to me that rather than your sexuality being a thing to 'accept' for them, it is simply a part of you and they are more interested in the other parts that make up you. Like living independently, and going to college, and wanting you to spend time with them.

My advice would be not to cut them out of your life. They have flaws, yes. Everyone has flaws. At the end of the day though, they are your family and will always be your family. You said you made a habit of going to your mothers house every week? I would say keep that habit of seeing them every week up, but change the venue. Find some neutral ground, like a cafe or even a local park or something, and go and spend time with them in a place that is public, and not somewhere that they feel they have power over you. As far as money goes, only let them borrow what you would happily give them, is my advice. If you are independent of them, then you do not have to give them a cent if you do not want to.

Whatever happens, best of luck! *hug*

 

I like this solution. Set your boundaries so that they know negativity equals the end of the conversation. They will catch on fast. They still have control but they also have consequences.

 

There have been some good posts replying to yours...all worth considering. I agree that your at a very stressfull time of your life and need some space from things/people who distract you or bring you down. That doesn's mean you have to make a final decision to cut them off...maybe just a flexible distance as and when needed, will give you the space you need. In addition, perhaps you need to make some boundaries more clear, such as what you are able to assist with (such as being there to listen and support emotionally) and not assist with (such as finances, considering you are studying etc). They may still react badly to you turning down some requests but then at least you can reply that you were upfront about things. Once your studies are over you will be less stressed out, hang in and keep on trying your best

 

Time for some distance. The cliffnotes version of my experience: My mother had a not-so-good divorce with my dad, and she ended up marrying some deadbeat she knew in high school after meeting him again on Facebook. tl;dr - she became the focal point for a huge saga of family drama, stressing out EVERYONE, to the point of ignoring her/cutting her off.

I used to get the long, tearful phone calls, saying how much she loved me and that she just wanted to be there, but they quickly devolved into "You don't love or support me with what I'm going through. I only stayed with your father so you could have a proper family while you were growing up! Nobody wants me to be happy!" (i.e. it's my fault) A day or two later, I'd get a soppy text message, usually with a picture of me as a child or something cheesy like that, saying she "remembers the good times" and so on and so forth. I had to say no more after it go to be too much, to the point of blocking her number.

From what it sounds like, they're trying to manipulate you through a guilt trip. I would never put up with an ounce of what you put up with if my sister acted like that. You're an adult now. Your mother and sister need to understand that. And if any other adult treated you like the way they treat you now? You wouldn't put up with that for a second (I hope).

My situation is similar, but not as bad as your situation sounds. But I do know what it's like to be that guy who gets DUMPED on, on a regular basis. I wasn't, nor need to be, out to my family, but I was dealing with a rough service in the military (and this all happened on a deployment in Afghanistan) so I know what it's like to be going to a comparable level of stress at the time. It only magnifies the stresses of your life to put up with that from your mother and sister. You can't really control what's directly happening to you in terms of stress from your life, but you can control how much stress you're getting from your mother and sister. Cut down on that as much as possible, to the point of cutting them off if you have to.

I didn't see a mention of your father, do you maintain a good relationship with him? Or any uncles? In my case, my dad's turned more into a "cool older friend" as I became more and more independent; thankfully I have him. It sounds like you might have that with your younger siblings at the least. Hang out with them, away from the home, as much as you can.