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REAL fear of being alone or never finding the 'one'

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bsolitaire, Nov 23, 2013.

  1. bsolitaire

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    I am a 25 year old woman, living in a city away from home, and recently came out to my parents....

    ever since I was 15, I started having a hard time maintaining friendships..i can usually handle conversations well...I don't think im painfully awkward unless anxious.
    But im now 25 without a friend I can really confide in. I've never been in a romantic relationship either---and I am becoming obsessed about it..

    Ive tried to join the glbt community in the city--but it's not really "alive." I met a couple of people there and tried to set up an activity to hang out, but they couldn't make it. I tried online dating sites--but it's just not for me (yet). Last night, I went to a party where I talked with different people and felt depressed afterwards...I met people who've met their partners while in college, happily married--or just have special others in their lives (besides their biological family)....This loneliness is beginning to eat me up and I am becoming more and more afraid of being alone---because I am now--and it feels like it will be Forever. Any advice?
     
  2. fulcrum

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    If my own twenties are anything to go by, breaking into cliques from the outside is excruciatingly difficult. It seems everyone has know everyone else for.. like.. EVA. And it is true, a lot of people have met their current friends either in college or high school. But the contrary is also true. There are people out there just like you. I was like that till about the age of 25/26. What worked a little bit for me was getting involved in a local support group for lgbt youths. Very awkward experience, I must tell you. But I met my first lot of friends like that. They were not very close to me for a long time, but they did include me in some of their outings. In that way I learnt to relax a little more around other people, and in particular, other gay people. Im not in contact with most of them anymore, but those few years with them helped me crack open my shell a bit. Over time I have met other people through other channels, mostly online, and those people are my friends now. And when it came to conversations that I felt like an "outsider" in, I learnt over time to ask about the backstories. Some people are all too willing to relive the past by telling stories. And it shows interest.

    Finding good friends unfortunately is not a science. Its a trial and error process. Like picking up pebbles on a beach. Most get thrown away, but every now and then you'll find a keeper. But its important to keep walking.

    And dont get too bogged down by looking at other people's relationships and what their lives "appear" to look like. In the words of AHA, "The Sun Always Shines On TV". Everyone has some kind of issue to deal with. By the roll of a dice, your's just happens to be finding good friends.

    HTH
     
  3. Jamesey

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    I feel almost exactly the same. Im 24 and have never had a boyfriend. Possibly because I don't put myself out there. I know a few gay people in my town but I couldn't imagine being with any of them.

    Its never really bothered me before but recently its pretty much all I think of.
     
  4. sldanlm

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    (*hug*) I've been where you are now, twice actually, due to loss. What I was going to say was already said very well by fulcrum. It's not an easy process, and there's so such thing as a perfect relationship.
     
  5. JGirl6891

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    Well, I'm in the same boat as you. Except I'm two years older than you, which means I'm getting older and still alone . . ugh. It totally sucks! I feel you though, really. Loneliness is like a disease. It keeps eating away at you, but please hang in there.

    If I can be the queen of single for so many years and be older than you, there's still hope! Maybe it's just not our time yet? You know. . the universe seems to work in it's crazy, awkward way sometimes.

    Hang in there hun. We gotta be strong. . . easier said than done. Just stay busy. That's what I do to keep my mind from trying to think of it.
     
  6. thekillingmoon

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    Well, I don't know what to advice since I'm pretty much in the same situation. Can't meet any women where I live. On dating sites it's mostly straight people and it's a pretty terrible place for finding a relationship. Gay night clubs is not my thing and I wouldn't have anyone to go with me. If you have any gay friends or acquaintances and go out with them a lot, maybe eventually you'll meet someone. I think most people meet through their friends.
     
  7. Tightrope

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    There you go. I can see this, having gone through it myself.

    I'm not 24 (LOL) but:

    1) Putting oneself out there is trying and takes more work than I want. Many people of all sexualities have found significant others without expending energy, as in just by going to school, to work, to sporting events, or to similar interest organizations.

    2) With all the subsets of people out there, I don't feel like taking on a relationship just to have a relationship. I never have.

    So, as a result of this, I've shrugged it off. If people want a relationship, they can and should continue to look for one. For me, having a network of decent enough friends works.
     
  8. DanDan

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    Ditto.
    It's tearing my life apart.
    Decreasing grades, weight gain (after all the fucking hard work I've put into staying fit), low self esteem, the list goes on.
    How can someone love me when I can't even love myself.
    I fucking detest myself, more than anything in this world.
     
  9. apostrophied

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    21 years old here, but I fear I'm headed in the same direction as you. It used not to bother me, but as time goes by and I realize that life is happening, it's getting increasingly scary. You're not alone.

    I agree with the posters who said that it has to do with not putting ourselves out there. For some of us, putting ourselves out there is unfortunately scary and daunting...
     
  10. ryanalexander61

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    I used to be deadly afraid of putting myself out there. Even had the extreme anxiety of being in the "gay" area of town less one of my friends happen to pass by.

    Eventually, you just realize forcing yourself to be unhappy because you are scared to ask someone out for coffee isn't anyway to live. You just have to do the little things and go through with it no matter how hard it is for you.

    If there are any LGBT groups where you live, I would suggest just getting on the mailing list. Then, get the names of a couple of the officers of the group (president, social committee, whatever) and email them asking to meet up with you addressing your concerns. I found a lot of people are very receptive to meeting up and helping people who are looking to meet new people through whatever group they are apart of. If there are absolutely none, and depending on your age, I might consider that your long-term happiness might be better moving to a bigger city.
     
  11. Amerigo

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    i know that feel dear one. i know it very well. *hug*