got invited to a potential gay holiday party

I think the best idea would be to go to this party without any hopes. Don't go with a type of guy in mind or a goal to achieve. Just go there, try to relax and have fun. If you meet some nice guys that's good, if they're not your type then that's fine. At least you will enjoy yourself without putting any pressure on yourself.

 

Just go, if you don't like it you can always leave. Chances are there will be some "straight acting" guys but you would never know unless you go. The key to meeting someone is putting yourself out there, you'll have bad experiences and good ones, it's just part of the game.

Good luck!

 

^All excellent advice above, but I would go a little farther. You have to understand that if you go with the attitude that you won't talk to effeminate guys, you are closing yourself to the possibility of discovering something new, you are pre-judging them before even getting to know who they are.

Keep yourself open to possibilities. Try to really see everyone as unique people, not some idea you have in your head. If you do this, I guarantee you will be surprised at how interesting people, as people, can be.

 

We all have personal preferences; however, it sounds like you're stereotyping too a degree that is preventing you from experiencing something based on what others might be like. If nothing else, this party can be an opportunity to meet friends or just socialize. Please don't offense to my statements, I understand what you're saying and see your status as "resistant to acceptance."

 

If you're going, good luck.

And to be fair, in my first post, I did say I understood it is your preference.

 

You realize of course that what you're saying is exactly the same as a straight guy worrying if there'll be any girls with big boobs on the party he's going, because he doesn't want to waste his time, right?!

That guy would say: "It's not that I have a problem talking to girls with small boobs,but i do not want to be surrounded by them."
Head --> out of your butt!

I will be honest with you. Deal with whatever it is yo have to deal with before going "out there"... There's PLENTY of people criticizing effeminate gay guys, we don't need that sort of attitude inside the community...

 

Hm. Perhaps, instead of going to a party (or any social function that someone has been kind enough to invite you to) with the primary goal of finding potential dates, it might be better to see it as an opportunity to meet and socialize with other human beings. That way you are able to have a good time whether you encounter any potential dates or not.

Life is about more than getting laid and it is perfectly possible to meet, have interesting discussions, and even become friends with people who you have no sexual attraction to for whatever reason. Or who may be quite different from you.

Todd

 

Being more comfortable with one set doesn't automatically explain, or justify, discomfort with another. Like not wanting cooties. Are you not comfortable in yourself? Do you think you might be perceived as 'effeminate" (men who are able to be comfortable in their whole sexuality, not just the heteronormative appearing parts)... might be perceived as effeminate if you are seen in too close proximity with these men? Seriously. I hope you give this real thought.

On the positive side--be yourself like what you want in other men. Dress like a lumberjack... or whatever. There's a whole tribe of bears and lovers of bears who want big hairy well built muscle guys who don't look in any way, 'effeminate' ... though Bear loving Faeries I know, like on occasion to wear silky slips and combat boots.
Hey, gender borders are prisons. Go for what you desire, but our Queer tribe has many clans. Gay get-togethers I've gone to, men embrace when they meet. And don't exclude cause a guy may not be one's future lust buddy. That mutual affection, and the freedom to express it, is the most liberating thing that will ever happen to you.

Being afraid or resistant to hug a guy cause you or others might think he's the kind you'd like to fuck, is SO hetero-homophobic. Work on it. You'll feel better about yourself.

 

I wonder whether people would come down so hard on a gay guy who expressed a dislike of masculinity?

 

I think you should go, if nothing else... to expose yourself to challenging environments.

You'll probably be surprised at plenty of 'straight acting' people there

 

Ahem. Speaking as a guy who lives in a part of the country where black people make up a very large, possibly majority, of the population and having lived in a part of the country where a very large, possibly majority part of the population was Hispanic, and being racially mixed,I've never felt any need to be around 'people like myself' in that sense. In fact I've never really worried about it since I define 'people like myself' as being other human beings and pretty much stop there. Just sayin.

As far as wanting to be around 'masculine' guys. I think the issue that several people are having here is that, despite your protestations to the contrary, the way you are stating things carries a rather strong flavor of contempt for fem guys. And I say this as a guy who's probably at least as masculine as you are, possibly more so (as it matters).

If you're not attracted to fem guys, fine. You're attracted to who you're attracted to (something that many people have said on this forum more than once). But in your posts you've basically gone beyond that to make statements to the effect that you're worried about the prospect of even having to associate with fem guys or being around their mannerisms or behavior. That you don't like the idea of being 'surrounded' by them, even if only for a few hours. Sorry, but those sorts of statements seem to go beyond the level of simple non-attraction and into the realm of actively looking down on people. And people generally don't react well to being looked down upon. So, while it may not be your intention to give this impression, and it may indeed be totally at odds with what you actually feel...that is still how you are coming across.

You say you really want to meet masculine gay guys. Bear in mind that some of us not only aren't bothered by fem guys, we count them among our friends. Which means we occasionally go to their parties (yay for you!). But we also don't like people looking down on our friends (possibly a problem for you).

Ultimately, I can't help but wonder if your feelings in this area are at least partly rooted in still struggling to accept yourself (since you indicate you are indeed struggling). One of the things I've seen several times on EC are guys who are afraid of accepting that they are gay or bi because they think they will suddenly stop liking the things they like or become like the stereotype of a gay man, or no longer be how they conceive of themselves. None of which actually happens btw. But it leads me to wonder - is the urgency of your desire to find other masculine gay guys at least partly driven by the need to assure yourself you aren't the only one out there? Just a thought.

On a totally different note, you might see if there are any LGBT sports teams or meetup groups in your area. Most major cities have LGBT flag football, soccer, or rugby teams, and larger area have just about any sport you can think of. There are also LGBT Meetups for hiking, sports, motorcycling, car enthusiasts, and much else. Members of these groups (some of them anyway), may fit what you are looking for.

Todd

 

This all seems pretty obvious to me...

Cantaccept just wants to be around people that he can relate to for once. Why are some people being so judgemental?




Cantaccept, I think that you should take the advice of the first two posters. Go no matter what and just try to have a good time. Theres almost certainly going to be at least one person there who you will get along with. You never know, they may all be exactly your type and what you're looking for. How often will you get a chance like this?

Good luck!

Your friend,


Robert

 

Hm. You seem to be in a very 'you're either with me or against me' kind of space. If/when you come up for air from that, you might consider the following:

a) No one, myself included, has called you homophobic in the course of this discussion.

b) What I actually pointed out was that the way you seemed to characterizing fem guys could be interpreted rather negatively regardless of what your actual intentions might be. Looking at another thread you've posted on since this discussion, I see I'm not the only one to suggest that.

c) I went back and re-read the thread and the only person who seems to have descended to the level of name calling would be...you.

d) As part of my post to you, I suggested various potential sources or resources that you might use to meet guys who you might have more in common with. If my intent was to attack you, this seems like a rather odd way to go about it, nu?

Also, and in the same vein as my final point - you might go online and look up the group known as Gaybros. They maintain various Facebook, Tumblr, and related sites and (last I checked) were raising money for a website. They've also been profiled in a couple of online news sites. I'm not entirely sure what I think about them, but again they may be a resource for you to find people you have more in common with. YMMV.

e) I'm going to assume that the command to get off the thread was pure hyperbole since you have essentially zero ability to make me do anything.

I hope you have fun at your party.

Todd

 

You're right - we femmes do get a bit testy. Only because we are always treated like some giant elephant in the room that should be left to die.

On top of that, what's a "gay" party? Will you all decorate unicorns and shoot glitter in the streets? Seriously...go, have fun. Frankly, if you're that against feminine gays, then how did you get invited?

 

cantaccept,

There you are again! Remember me from NoClue's thread? I just found your thread and thought I'd say hi and maybe flip you some more shit, but only in a kind, loving, yet straight-acting way. ha ha

As I remember from your previous posts on NoClue's thread, you kinda had a cynical and pessimistic attitude. Definitely a glass is half-empty kinda guy. Well I can kinda relate, I'm that way myself sometimes. Of course, I tend to be more the philosophical type who wonders why we've been given glasses at all, and why must we always demand that they be full? Why aren't we ever happy with half a glass?
hmmm. Que sera sera.

On your post to AKTodd,

I think you were being overly snotty and defensive to AKTodd. I've seen his posts on multiple threads and they're certainly quite a read, but I've never seen much in them to suggest he's anything but a fair-minded individual who tries to look at a situation from multiple angles and give the most genuinely helpful advice he can. I think you were a bit hard on him and should cut him a break.

And also, while I find your cynical, pessimistic attitude something of a turn-on, as I'd love to sit with you in a garage somewhere, smoking cigarette after cigarette and bitch about how life sucks. I have to admit, your kinda kissing a gift-horse in the ass here. YOU GOT INVITED TO A GAY PARTY - A PARTY FULL OF ATTRACTIVE GAY GUYS AROUND YOUR AGE WHO ARE HORNY & PROBABLY ALL UNATTACHED.

::checks my calendar::: Nope, no awesome gay parties on my agenda.
Hmmm anyone else? Oh wait yeah, a lot of this site has so many people still in the closet or too confused about their sexuality to be sexually functional yet, they won't be living it up at any gay parties anytime soon, and even for most of us after we come out we don't get invited, or even know enough people in our social circle to form a "gay party".

So yeah, maybe when you're at your gay party, you can think of us when you're there, living it up, having fun. You know, when you're surrounded by tons of cute guys at this party, all of them sexually compatible with you, feeling all isolated and alone, could you maybe have one drink for us? LOL

Now with that said, I have to admit, I'll probably fly my flag over in your fort on this issue. I can understand completely how you feel. I, myself, prefer masculine straight acting men. I certainly wouldn't let that stop me from being in a relationship with anyone, regardless, if I like them as a person. There are definitely different flavors of gay.

I can also understand why you feel alone and isolated because while the effeminate guys kinda blaze out there, the straight-acting guys are camoflauged.

A friend of mine, he likes to watch that GregoryGorgeous on youtube. Greg is a young guy who looks stunningly attractive as a woman. Most straight guys would be surprised (and very disappointed) to find out she is a he. My friend, (also gay), finds him wildly attractive in his female form, I've watched enough of his videos with my friend to see Gregory dressed as both a boy and girl. And for me, its strange how it happens, I see an attractive woman before me, that I have no sexual energy for and the make-up comes off, hair gets ruffled, the girl clothes come off and jeans and t-shirt go on and before my eyes I can feel the sexual energy I have for this person changing as it happens. Its the same person, yet physically-- masculinity, or an equal balance of feminine and masculine, is a turn on for me.

I don't see anything wrong with admitting you like a more masculine male. Granted, I think after you've dated a while, one tends to get a little more comfortable with yourself and your partner, I think you might find those lines greying at times when you're together. And yes, I am a white guy and I would generally prefer a white partner, not exclusively of course, hell if I was in Alaska/Northern Canada and there was a hot eskimo dude up there, I'd go melt his igloo into a puddle, no problem! (granted inuit tribes generally don't live in igloos anymore, but that'd spoil the effect of hot gay igloo melting action).

The point is, sexual preference is our last bastion of personal preference. More than just environmental and a culmination of life experiences, some of the formulas we use to determine if someone is "hot" is hardwired into us and is to this day still somewhat magical and hard to define how we arrive at those conclusions. Lets leave our sexual tastes to the individual and not try to bleach it down with prejudices about being prejudice, or host affirmative action bedrooms for the sake of equality -its okay to be a little selfish.

So go to that party and find yourself a nice straight-acting guy who's just a tad more fabulous than the other boys and have a great time!