Trouble Confessing My Feelings to Her (Super Long) I wasn't sure if this belonged here or in the coming out section. Fair warning, this is long.. but I need to get it all out and if I can get insight, I'd appreciate it. To give you some background I've come out to many of my friends and co-workers where I live, but no one from my hometown including my family. There are a few friends where I live who don't know my sexuality. The girl I like is one of them who doesn't know, as far I know. So Background on the people at play. Lindsey (the girl I like): She's younger then me by 7 years, which is a huge part of the worry. I met her when she was only 17, which may be morally wrong but legally here it's fine. She's now 19. I will go into further details Dustin: This is Lindsey's brother, I knew him two years before I met Lindsey... well really met her at least. I talked to her over the phone once before we met. He knows I like her and he's known for two years. I have a hard time trusting him as he's lied on numerous occasions for attention and power. Lindsey's Mom: I met her two years ago too, and she's became my sort of kind of mom figure since my mom lives 3 hours away. She's very intimidating and hates all of Dustin's friends except me. She tried to hook me up with her son until me, Dustin and Lindsey kept saying it wasn't going to happen. Lindsey is her baby girl and the last child she can have, Lindsey is also very close to her mom. Quick Description: I've liked this girl for two years. There are signs she might feel the same for me. I tried telling her on Saturday but I choked and couldn't do it. I'm so scared of losing her friendship, having her mother (who I also care about) think poorly of me, and frankly getting rejected. Her brother told me she had feelings for me for the past two years but only recently changed his story. None of my friends believe what he says is true, because he only said she didn't like me when there was a potential of us being together. He also kept changing his story on why she's decided she's not into me. Maybe she's not, but there were still signs indicating she does like me. There are less signs lately, but still signs. I don't know what I should do. I've provided more details in the second post so people can disregard if they like, or read how ever much you like. There's a lot. It's all the signs over the past two years basically. ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2013 at 11:23 PM ---------- Extremely-Oh-My-God-I'm-Sorry Description: Now for the story... When I first met her and started to get to know her I tried really hard to not fall for her. There were complications like her age, she's probably straight, and her brother (my friend). Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore and I told Dustin, her brother, that his sister is extremely beautiful. I was hoping he would discourage it (but secretly not), instead he encouraged it and tried to put Lindsey and I in weird (good) positions. For instance, after I told him, he really tried to encourage Lindsey and I hanging out which we didn't really do before. She went swimming with us and he would grab her out of the water and place her into my arms. During this time, when we went swimming, I had gotten a new bathing suit (yeah...just for her). The boys there (Dustin and two other gay men) started looking at me while I was about to take off my shirt and shorts to reveal my bathing suit. At first it started with one of the guys, and as I became embarrassed and called him out on it, the others joined. Some mainly to tease me and they knew I was already nervous with Lindsey being around. And then she started looking at me.. watching me. I took off the shirt first, embarrassed, and then the shorts. She watched me the whole time and then looked me up and down at the end. While we were swimming, she spent most of the time with me (maybe because I was the only other girl). However, one time she started bathing at a lawn chair off the side of the pool and I started swimming over by the guys and talking. Every now and then I'd look over at her and glance her looking at me and then swiftly turn her gaze. the boys and I were well enough separated that it was definitely me she was looking at. Later Dustin get's her alone, and comes back to me. (given this is all hearsay) Saying that she says that I'm cute. I shrug it off and say, that doesn't mean anything. Plenty of people who aren't interested in me call me cute... like a puppy D: ... And he said no... I know the way she said it, it was definitely something. The next day him and her go out to eat Subway and she tells him she thinks she's interested in a friend of his... that's a girl. Since he only had two girl friends, one which was his girlfriend, he guessed me right away and she confirmed it to him. She talked to him about it and asked him how I'd feel about it. He told me he shrugged and said "I don't know". Because he didn't want to reveal I was gay. But I told him it was probably the wrong thing to say, she wanted support (I think). - Sign number two - We hang out more, but only with Dustin as I use him as an excuse to hang out with her. But everyone says she seems to pay special attention to me, but they can't tell if its romantic type. We were hanging out at my place, which Dustin was staying at, at the time. Lindsey had over her best friend Danielle with her. And I showed them a game called Portal, which is fun to show people who don't play games (and it's normally fun for non-gamers). I showed Lindsey the controls by putting my hands over her on the controllers and showing her which button does what. She gets the hang of it, but Danielle asks for my help on how to play. She's on the couch, so I go over to her... I didn't want to be obvious in my feelings so I sort of show her the same way I showed Lindsey, but not really touching her hands. Lindsey, who had already figured out how to play, sits over to the couch next to her and says she needs help again. I smile at her and help her again. Afterwards they begin playing and having fun, both sitting on the couch. I'm sitting on the floor and my friend Daven to the left of me with chips in front of us. My friend Daven (who I trust without a doubt) kept noticing that Lindsey was glaring at him. He was sitting close to me, and he thinks the types of looks she was giving him were jealous looks. He wants to tell me but can't so he decides to text me. His phone was in my bedroom charging, so he gets up to go get it. During that time Lindsey quickly hops next to me to sit stating "I'm going to sit next to Jen (me) where the chips are". I smile at her again, oblivious. Until Daven comes back out, and sits at the dining table (with view to see the game) and texts me that Lindsey was giving him weird looks when he was sitting next to me. Thanks... Daven...for turning me red while I'm sitting to Lindsey. --- Sign Number Three --- This is both a negative sign and a good sign. But Lindsey went away on a cruise with her mom. While on the cruise she got to meet a lot of people her own age. She met a guy and started having feelings for him. I found this out when I came to visit them after they got back from the cruise and her mom teased her about it. Lindsey denied it but later Dustin told me she does have feelings for him but also has feelings for me and she's confused because she doesn't know which one to follow. I know for a fact she at least had some feelings for him. But when I went over to visit her and her mom, and I heard this I became jealous. Lindsey felt like going to her bedroom, and was showing me pictures of the trip, she left me an open invitation to join her to see more pictures. I followed and either she or I close the door (I forget who). She had a shirt on with names of her friends on the cruise signed on the back. She was trying to find her friends on facebook but was having trouble finding this one girl, because her last name was signed illegibly. I asked her to let me help (the signature was located at the top of her back), I used my hand to bring her hand away from her back, as I did it she moved her hair the rest of the way. This is where I get bold (because I was jealous), I follow the name on her back and trace it with my finger. The last name looks like it says "Kay" in cursive. The y ends right at the spine of her back and as my finger comes down the y it follows down her spine a little further as I say I think it says Kay... As my finger is going down her spine she exclaims "Oh!". When she did this her back became straight and it sounded as if she may have found it pleasureful. I pulled my finger back right away and my face began to feel warm. I was right behind her so I couldn't see her face, nor could she mine. But then she said "Let's look that up!" She covered it up so well, I'm not sure if she exclaimed in pleasure at my touch or because I may have found the name. --- Sign Number Four --- Lindsey and I became closer and started hanging out without using her brother as an excuse. Her mom called me once and said thank you to me for spending time with Lindsey, that she really enjoys my company and thinks I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread. I found this flattering but I felt a little guilty too, I don't want her mom thinking later the only reason I spent time with her is because I like her. I did invite Lindsey to go see the Three Musketeers movie with me. It's our favorite movie, but I don't think it's because it's good, but because it was the first movie we saw together and the first time we hung out just us. However, this was far later on and would be about the fourth time we'd go see the movie, and we'd be going to the dollar movies. So the setting, we've seen this movie many time before, so while it's enjoyable it's nothing special. But she accepted my invitation to the movie. When we get back to her place (which she lives with her mom), I go inside for a bit to say hi. When I get in Lindsey goes straight to her bedroom to "get ready for bed". Odd I thought. During that time her mom tells me that Lindsey cancelled plans with a friend to go with me, that her mom made her choose between plans and that she chose mine easily, even though we'd already seen the movie plenty times before. At this point, we start to notice Lindsey's taking awhile to come out of the bedroom, which her mom mentions "what's taking Lindsey so long". And then she comes out, hair freshly brushed, and these short shorts.................. I didn't know I had a thing for legs until I met her. She comes sits on the couch and looks cold. Her mom mentions how it's strange she'd wear shorts if she was so cold, that she should go put on something warmer. But she says she's fine. I leave shortly after. --- Sign Number Five --- So the Three Musketeers comes out on DVD, and I get it. I propose that Lindsey and I watch it at her place (big screen TV and at the time my place was small). The day before I get some of her favorite things to have when going to the movies, except for Mr. Pibb as there is none in the area (except the theater). I get there....short shorts....gah what is she doing to me. We go into the living room, her other brother (not dustin) is there but he goes into another room and stays there for most the night. I think her mom was out on a date. We start watching the movie but her dog is in between us while we are watching the movie (and is the only space between us, he's a weener dog). He's laying on his back, as I cup my hand around the back of him (kind of) and pet his belly. Lindsey keeps playing with his front feet that are standing up in the air. They keep bouncing as she pulls them back towards his lower feet (where my hand is cupped). Her hand sort of bounces back every time to. And then her hand falls backwards into my cupped hand. Unfortunately I have no recollection of the events that followed. As the best feeling I've ever had swarmed over me, I was completely lost. And then she moved her hand away. I think it lingered...at least for a moment. Maybe she didn't realize or maybe she did it on purpose. Afterwards, she'd play with his feet but her hand wouldn't bounce back like it did. When we went to the movies together, she used to (she only did this for the first 6 months or so that we knew each other) go for the popcorn when I did and would push my hand aside with her, kind of in a playful way. The day I finally get the courage to grab her her hand when she does it and hold it, she stops doing it. --- Sign Number Six --- Rewinding a bit because I forgot about this, this was when we went swimming a lot together, in about the first 6 months we were getting to know each other. Dustin and his friends wanted to throw a birthday party for her at my apartments pool. But I couldn't make it because of work, until very late. But I got her a gift and signed a card we got for her. When I was at work, my boss could see I was down, and I told him what was going on. My boss back then was the best ever and let me go early. I raced towards home, and texted Dustin, so we can keep it a surprise for Lindsey. I get home and Dustin's there, just coming out of the restroom, perfect timing. I put on my bathing suit and we go to the pool together. As we walk in, she notices Dustin at first and then looks at me. She's in the hot tub with some guys, friends of Dustin, all mostly gay but I'm still jealous. However the moment she see me she stand straight up out of the hot tub with her arms in the air and yell's "Jen!" She was definitely excited to see me and that made me happy. She comes over to me and gives me a hug. At that point of the party, it's really just her and I hanging out and the guys butting in every now and then. We're inside the pool, near the steps talking. She says thank you for the gift and that she loved what I said int he card, it was hilarious. She gives me another hug, but this time in the water (reminder: she's in her bathing suit). Her arms wrap around my neck and her body comes up against mine, with her knees up and her whole weight on me. Unfortunately I wasn't ready for this and didn't have a solid footing and end up sinking into the water, she let's go shortly after. ---- Other Stuff ---- Most of this happened in a two and half year span and all mostly at the beginning of our friendship. Recently I went to six flags with her for fright fest. I got.. um... surprised by a zombie growling behind my ear and without realizing it I clinged to her arm until he went away. I didn't realize I had been doing it. My friends from work were also there as a get together thing but me and Lindsey stayed solo most the time. My best work friend and her girlfriend meet up with us towards the end of the night. They both know I like Lindsey but I have trouble talking to them. There was a troll cave thing that, let's call her S, wanted to go through but her girlfriend, my best work friend, B didn't want to. So Lindsey and I decide to go with her. Before we go in she says she should stay together and wraps her arm around one of Lindsey's arms. No way! Me too, I wrap my arm around her other arm and we walk forward into the cave. While in there a troll comes up to Sara and freaks her out and she breaks away form us, I'm holding on to Lindsey's arm still and we move a way, I let go of her arm and watch Sara get freaked out (for a little bit until I decide to rescue her). I was watching Sara but out of the corner of my eye Lindsey looked a little dejected that I let go. Perhaps I'm reading too much into this. At Six Flags our hands kept bumping into each other and I kept accidentally touching her and vice versa. On the way home she does something I find adorable, I have trouble saying that though and instead say "That was...the best thing... ever...today...(rambling)... Actually, that was adorable" She giggles a bit into her hand, possibly in a bashful way. We hung out again on Saturday, just her and I, at my place, where I cook and we watch a movie (yes it's a romantic one too, but we're girls). We lay next to each other ont he couch at one point, by accident. And she was dressed amazingly. She's normally beautiful but you could tell she put additional effort into it as well. There's also one point where she stares into my eyes for a bit while I'm cooking and I keep asking her "what?". She said something before that but I couldn't hear her because of the kitchen. Other then that not much. But I was supposed to tell her then and I am beating myself up for not telling her. I'm so scared to and I really don't want to, it could ruin everything but what do you guys think? On the downside she sometimes takes forever to respond to my texts or doesn't respond until I send her a different text a few days later, where she apologizes for missing my text. She's told me int he past she's really bad at that and her brother as well but it bothers me a bit. I also feel the signs are not as prominent as they used to be and I wonder if Dustin is right, maybe she isn't into me anymore and I missed my chance. The thing is, he's changed his story about it so many times, and there's holes in his story that I don't believe him. My friend thinks its because it's his hold he has over me. Before Lindsey came into the picture, I had a lot of power over Dustin, but in a negative way. I treated him horribly and had him do everything I bid. I'm not really like that but because I could be I liked it, but then I realized it was bad and stopped. But this was shortly after Lindsey came into the scene and he may think that Lindsey is the reason he established some power, I just decided to be a friend rather then a dictator. We also had a falling out and Lindsey brought us together for the most part. My friend says he has that between us and can hold it over us for attention from both her and me, but I can't let him have that power. I've never been with anyone, ever, nor have I ever confessed my feelings to anyone. I suppressed any type of feelings I've had for a long time and have only started opening up more since I met Lindsey. Please give me advice on what to do.
