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I think I was doing the wrong thing...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by thoughtbubble, Nov 30, 2013.

  1. thoughtbubble

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    Hello everyone,
    Before I start with my dilemma, I will say some things about myself. I am a 21 year old living in the US. I am in college and live with my parents.
    My parents do not know I am gay. I have not yet told them. During the past month my boyfriend has sometimes stayed over. In my mind I did not think this was wrong. I though, hmm I think it's ok because I pay rent.
    Now I am feeling like I have been disrespecting my parents. I know my patents would not let a girl sleep over if I was straight. I have noticed that my mom does not like him coming over.

    I love spending the nights with my bf, and it does not feel good knowing he won't be able to spend the night over anymore; unless I get my own apartment.

    Do you think that I'm in the wrong? Should I not have my bf over anymore?
    I'm thinking of "right-ing" my wrongs. I am planning on conning out to my mom. And I hope one day she will be ok with him.
     
  2. TJ

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    I don't think you're really in the wrong.
    Sure, it seems honorable of you to stop having your bf over, but what about just talking to your parents to see what they think?

    If you talk to them and they say you can't have him over, so be it. No harm done.

    But they could be totally cool with it.

    If you come out to them, they'll know he's your bf anyway, so I suggest you talk to them about it and see what they think. :slight_smile:
     
  3. CthulhuFhtagn

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    Hi :slight_smile:

    Do you have any idea how your parents would react to coming out to them? Because I know that's what I would do. But from your wording, it sounds like they might not accept it instantly? I guess my suggestion would be to come out to them as soon as you feel comfortable.

    Is there any way you could get your own apartment in the event that your parents completely freak out? Make sure you have a back-up plan of some sort if you're going to come out and have any suspicion at all that things will turn sour.

    Best of wishes! (*hug*)
     
  4. thoughtbubble

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    I do have a back up. I can always get a small apartment. I work, so thankfully that is not an issue.
    I don't think she will like it but I think time will help
     
  5. Chip

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    Hi,

    First, I applaud you for caring enough about respecting your parents' boundaries to want to do the right thing. This is a clear indication that your parents did a good job in instilling good values and integrity in you. :slight_smile:

    Now onto the actual issue. It's a bit of a complicated situation, I think. Since it is your parents' house, it's reasonable for them to set boundaries and say, for example, that it isn't OK for you to have "overnight guests" (in quotes, because we know what we're talking about here.)

    Where it starts to get hazy is when you start paying rent. At that point, then you're entitled to have some say in what happens in the space you're essentially renting from them. Are they still entitled to impose rules? I'd say probably yes, in the same way that if you rent a room in a shared house, it's not uncommon to see rules like "no overnight guests" not because of any moral concern, but because people want to avoid having live-in girlfriends or boyfriends.

    In any case, I think it's probably the right thing to tell them. For one, because, as you said, if you want to have integrity, then you want to comply with the spirit of their rules and not just the letter. And additionally, because hiding an important part of yourself from your family creates shame for you, and creates a wall between you and your family.

    Be prepared for a bit of upheaval, and the 5 stages of loss (the loss of your parents' perception that you're straight): denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. On the other hand... moms often know, and the fact that she's not excited about your "friend" being around... she may already know or suspect what's going on. But even so, denial can be powerful. Long and short... most parents are eventually fine with it, and unless they're total religious zealots, there's no reason to believe they won't be fine with it also. Just expect that it may take some adjustment.
     
  6. Gingerblond93

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    I'm in a similar situation, although somewhat different, as my bf has not spent the night at my house but I spend a lot of nights at his house. I am 20 and gay and have a BF, who is 18 years older than me. I have not told my parents that I'm gay or about my bf. But like you, I don't want to keep hiding who I am and who I love. It bothers me that I am hiding and more or less living a lie.

    I'm planning on coming out to them with my sexuality and my bf. I think if your parents are like mine, open minded, reasonable, they will continue to love you unconditionally, as you are their son. I;m sure in time your mom will not only accept you for who you are she may actually get to like your bf and see him as part of the family. But only you will know when the time is right, I wish you luck and I'm sure it will be fine.
     
  7. thoughtbubble

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    Thank you for the great response. I think this is what I wanted to hear. I just hope I don't chicken out tomorrow.
     
  8. thoughtbubble

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    Ok so I did it..... And to be honest I don't really feel any more " liberated" or better. The response I received was an "oh". And now everything is as if I don't say anything. :confused: