I can't do anything right I just want to die

I feel like the family screw up

I'm the youngest of 4 kids I'm the only boy and only mistake of them all of them every one was wanted planed but I was a mistake unwanted they probably wish I wasn't born. I'm 19 but I don't even drive and I had to stay back a year in school because I'm so stupid. I've never felt like I belonged here or that anyone ever really cared. I just got into collage and they act like it's no big deal. I'm also the only one who's gay I've never felt like they really accepted me for it. I mean yeah they say thing like " what ever makes you happy or whatever you want " but it feels forced or like they feel the need to say not like they mean it. My sister is going through a lot she was raped a few years ago and it was really hard on the family. A few weeks ago she was sexual assaulted by a coworker boyfriend and she reported it but the coworker is being a bitch and clams that my sister was asking for it and was willing. She's having a hard time and she has reported it to the police but they don't do shit so my family's circled the wagons around her. I know it's Petty but I feel they always take care of her problems first and mine last. Our grandfather dead around the same time as the assault. I know my father was upset understandably so and I never really knew him. He got very bitter and mean toward the end but still I was upset but she got all the attention and I feel like a monster because I'm mad at her for it. But I have problems to and no body cares. I feel so torn I go thought periods where I feel okay like I'm worth something but then I crash into deep depression and I feel like scum it's almost always centered around the fact I'm gay or I want to crossdress I'm so fucked up I don't even know what I am. I feel so much more confident when I'm a girl and I was already mistaken for one so I was kinda use to it. It's getting hard to get out of my depressed states and they're longer and deeper. Normally I feel like shit, call myself a few names maybe bite myself or scratch my arms and then I when I'm slowly feeling better. I get ideas for drawing or painting and they are good granted dark but good. now it's so deep I don't think of anything I just go blank till all I can think about is killing myself and how I'm worthless or how everyone would be better off without me. I've got at least 5 suicide notes but they all seem wrong I don't know what to say I truly want to make it easier for them I printed off a list of sites and groups for families of suicide to help them. But I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I try and try to do it but I back out like a coward. Then I wish I would have when I had the chance. I hear voices tell me I'm stupid and I should have done it that I'm worthless and a burden to my family . It's getting so bad I spend whole days in bed I just couldn't get up I couldn't think of a reason or get the energy I just wanted to die. I also swear I'm seeing thing every time I'm alone I see these naked white figure they hide behind thing or disappear when I try to look at them they just appear out of the corner of my eye and then they are gone. Only one time did one stay when I look directly at it. I was at work and I was talking to my coworker and I saw him they said I was crazy because I was looking at nothing but I could swear he was there. It just looked at me like it wanted something. It was awful. It had no face no hair and it was so thin I could see bones and the mouth and eyes under what looked like skin and it's hands where all bloody and the wrist had cuts I think. I just stood there till someone called my name and I got back to work and he was gone. But I won't take any pill I'm not crazy and I won't be treated like a damn schizo. Drugged up and throw in a hospital to die in a cage like an animal I just won't. My dreams are really fucked up I have this dream at least ones a week where I'm in this warehouse ( I work in one so I'm in there a lot) but it's all weird there's red light and flashing things and I can't see or breath. I run after something grabs me and I stop and look ahead to see me standing alone in a spotlight. Then I look up at my self and I start screaming in pain and I start bleeding from my eyes and mouth and crying and then I get ripped apart after I let out this scream and then I wake up. I also think I'm addicted to porn well more online role playing like sexting or chating online I started like 3 years ago and I really liked it not just because I got off but he told me he liked me that he missed me when I was gone and I was the best part of his day now I have 6 "partners" and I can't go a day without checking my mail. I keep thinking they are waiting for me I really should make sure they see me. I just love they attention they are the only people who notice when I'm gone. I don't even care that they call me a whore or just want to use me. Then I feel dirty and wish I could stop. I really think I should talk to someone but I have no friend that I would tell this to. My family looks at me like a failure and I don't trust therapists. They don't care you go in they put up with you for a hour and they shove you off to cash their check. Even if I did how would I see one or tell my parents I want to see one. " hey you don't care about me because your to busy with your favorite so I want to vent to a total stranger and pay them upwards of $100 can you drive me there ?" Please I'd be yelled at for hours. I tried to talk about how stressed I was but all I got is " it's adulthood it suck get over it". Is that all I have to look forward to 70-80 years of soul crushing pain and feeling worthess and stupid ? I just feel so trapped like the best thing would be for me to lock myself in my room and just kill myself . I'm stuck in a job I hate but I have collage to think about and I haven't learned to drive yet so I got to do that before I can leave. Everything is just piling up and it's crush me I have to talk to someone I mean like really talk. I'm super shy and I don't do social events or met people I don't know what to do nothings working I use to be able to handle it by myself but now it's controlling me. I have no idea what's happening I feel like the world is normal one second and a completely different place the next. I know my dreams are stupid and I couldn't ever fill them but I foolishly keep thinking about them despise knowing they are unrealistic. I don't have anywhere to turn what should I do I'm gonna break. I hate myself so much I hate everyone I just want to disappear I should have dead at birth I shouldn't have even been born I wasn't even wanted! What do I do ?

 

No they don't they're to busily caring about their favorite they don't notice a thing about me I'm the mistake they never wanted me. I can't talk to them they'll just think I'm bing selfish

I don't deceive love or respect. You have to do something to earn respect I'm nothing no one can love nothing I'm worthless. I don't deceive my life everyone is prefect around me I'm broken. I wish I had done it when I had the change.