I am a gay (possibly genderqueer) person and I have come out last year, but I don't know I still dont accept it thee way I should. I constantly blame my sexuality for my life being the crap hole it is. I sometimes wished that repartivie therapy would work because I am pretty sure everything would be better if I wasn't gay. I know this sounds horrible but I sometimes doubt I won't see 2014 the way I sometimes feel. I realised that I was into guys when I was 13, being from a conservative household and being a Catholic (I went to a Catholic school despite being from a non-catholic family I converted when I was 12) I made the idiotic decision to lie a lie and pretend to be not gay, so faked interest in girls in the hope that it was a phase that I would get over. This went on for years, my parents and friends kept on wondering when I would get a girlfriend since thats what teenage boys (well I am not technically a boy but hey I have boy parts) do. At 18 I met a girl, stumbled into a relationship and she fell in love with me , I couldn't love her back and I broke her heart. She hates me I used her to live some self centred lie. When I came out as a gay person to my parents (I don't think I will be able to come out as genderqueer ever I don't think being a guy who sometimes wants to be a girl and cross dresses and passes sometimes, they won't understand) they were disappointed that I had lied to them, that I had hid my self mutilation (I cut when this was going on) and my suicide attempt to them (I couldn't live with myself after I broke her heart for nothing) they were so upset. They don't trust me, I think we are drifting apart, I don't like spending time with them anymore, I want to be alone at Christmas and disappear from their lives their deserve better than a genderqueer kid that is too pathetic to be truthful to them. All I do is ruin lives
You didn't ruin anyone's life, everyone goes through trials and tribulations and its sad that the girls heart was broken but sometimes you have to do whats best for you and you did, coming from someone who was once suicidal myself I think you just need to look at how insignificant your problems are no matter how big they seem, you maybe having some trust issues with your parents but they didnt reject you, you're young and theres nothing wrong with your gender or sexuality. Make sure you find the moments of happiness you have the people who keep you smiling and hold onto them and make sure that these kind of thoughts dont drive you to do anything stupid, because no matter how much you think someone hates you, i'm sure that no-one you know wants to wake up to the news you committed suicide. If necessary take some time away from it all, do what you need to do, its your life, live it to the fullest and don't let these things get you down. Smile .
If you are really feeling suicidal .. is there a friend you can talk to about it in real life? It will help. And I do wonder if depression is driving these thoughts and whether you should do something positive about that with your doctor. ps: If really feeling bad please call a helpline
