I have noticed that I keep describing myself as this laid back, easy-going, non-scene gay. For a while I thought that was ok. I thought I was describing myself to a "T." And I still believe in that. But last night I finally found the courage to go to a Meetup. I'm sure it looked like I was a deer in headlights because one guy grabbed my arm and pulled me into the group! He told me he was tired of me walking around the room like I was actually having fun, and from there I began to open up. The guys I met were awesome, and I was surprised at how the ones that I really made a connection to weren't the type of gay men I thought most were. They were like me. But that's my problem. I found myself continuously trying to define who I was by how un-gay I was. I kept saying things like, "I'm the straightest gay guy you will ever meet." In some ways that is true, but one look at my ipod and it tells a different story. But I tried to keep telling them that I was this guy who didn't like dressing up, hated clubs, loves sports, and is not "flaming." And that word hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually felt really bad about saying it because I realized that the guys I had assumed were like that were just themselves. And it dawned on me that maybe I keep saying the things that I say because I am trying to prove to myself that I am a "normal" gay guy. I was the one who had the figurative flashing billboard above their head saying "Stand back, this is straight gay guy." Of course as the night wore on I got really close to a handful of guys, and they were immediately receptive and inviting towards me. I had never felt more free to talk without being found out I am gay. And now I am just struggling with the whole image. How can someone be gay without looking gay? And I think we all know the answer to that one. I don't feel like I have to change who I am, but for some reason I keep fighting the idea that who I am as a gay guy, and a person in general is ok. Any advice or shared stories?
I don't have any stories. I would say just be yourself, everyone is different, there is no mold of how a gay guy should look or act. I do have a question about meet ups. I went to meet up.com but there doesn't seem to be anything in my area. Are there other sites you know of to find meetups? I really want to make new friends and hangout with people that I don't have to pretend with. Thanks
You can actually start your own, there is a cost, but it could be shared by the members who sign up (possibly). Someone just started one here in Montreal, I signed up and look forward to getting together with them.
Okay... image: I'm happiest and most at peace when I feel most queer. If I start to feel 'normal' -- I mean, what the hetero world thinks of as 'normal,' I get way depressed. Hetero-normative to me, means our oppressors, the bigots, the capitalist bloodsuckers, the patriarchal power-hungry homophobic rulers and bosses. Everything I don't want to be.
I guess I'm a bit unclear on the issue. Are you concerned because you're focussing on being "non-flaming" (non-flammable?) rather than on just being yourself? Or are you reluctant to adopt new behaviours that match your new understanding of yourself? I suppose that, in both cases, you may just be just a bit too self-conscious. For myself, if I have changed at all (and I have) it is primarily a function of removing inhibitions that I had imposed on myself. Perhaps calling these inhibitions is too strong, let's say that I matched my appearance and behaviour with my understanding of myself at the time. Accepting that I am gay has meant that I can be myself just that much more, and that I am allowed to take pleasure in dressing better or feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am not significantly more "flaming" by any means, but I'm not afraid anymore to cross my legs "that way" if it is more comfortable, or to dress a bit more freely...more to say that I have given myself permission to care about these things.
